What If? July 18, 2010
Several weeks ago I checked my mail only to find something from my IVF clinic. It’s weird to see that name in your mailbox after you’ve closed the door.
It turned out to be the annual statement for our sperm cyropreservation fees. Hmm, I thought. That’s odd. Didn’t we use our last vial of sperm on our “one try for a sibling” cycle this past spring? We did, didn’t we? Of course, I got it on the weekend so I was left to ponder over it until I could call the office Monday morning.
I couldn’t help but wonder what if there was some clerical error and we really did have another vial on ice? What would we do? Would we cycle again? Hold onto it? Have it destroyed? It’s hard to let yourself go there when you know the door is closed, but I couldn’t help myself.
I called that Monday, and the only clerical error was that someone had billed us when they shouldn’t have. There was no more sperm.
Most of the time I’m so busy living my life and chasing after my precious little man that I don’t think about the “what if’s.” Sometimes, though, they creep in.
Every now and then I think about how things would be if that pregnancy had implanted in my uterus instead of my tube. I think about what it would be like to be pregnant again. I think about what it would be like to have two. How can I not? Not after everything I went through.
Then I am reminded of reality. There are no more chances. I am lucky to be alive. I really am.
I love Adam more than anything, and I am so, so lucky to have him. So lucky! I don’t know how we got away with a live birth given our history, but I count my blessings daily.
Yes, I think about the baby that could have been. Sometimes, I do. It’s not every day. Just ever so often the “what if’s” creep in.
We are not the typical fertile couple. We can’t just procreate at the drop of a hat. We can’t decide what our “ideal” family size should be. It’s not that easy here in infertile land.
We are fortunate, though. We never thought we’d get to parent, and yet, here we are. We have a 3.5 year old who can make one forget about all of the other stuff in a split second. I guess one can be lucky and unlucky at the same time.
So, when the “what if’s” creep in, no matter how soul sucking they can be, I remind myself about what is. The Amanda that was stuck in IVF hell with no actual child in sight wouldn’t flinch at the “what if’s.” That’s why I can appreciate what we have. I know that there’s a difference between having nothing and having everything even when everything has an asterisk next to it.