Manana Banana

What If? July 18, 2010

Several weeks ago I checked my mail only to find something from my IVF clinic. It’s weird to see that name in your mailbox after you’ve closed the door.

It turned out to be the annual statement for our sperm cyropreservation fees. Hmm, I thought. That’s odd. Didn’t we use our last vial of sperm on our “one try for a sibling” cycle this past spring? We did, didn’t we? Of course, I got it on the weekend so I was left to ponder over it until I could call the office Monday morning.

I couldn’t help but wonder what if there was some clerical error and we really did have another vial on ice? What would we do? Would we cycle again? Hold onto it? Have it destroyed? It’s hard to let yourself go there when you know the door is closed, but I couldn’t help myself.

I called that Monday, and the only clerical error was that someone had billed us when they shouldn’t have. There was no more sperm.

Most of the time I’m so busy living my life and chasing after my precious little man that I don’t think about the “what if’s.” Sometimes, though, they creep in.

Every now and then I think about how things would be if that pregnancy had implanted in my uterus instead of my tube. I think about what it would be like to be pregnant again. I think about what it would be like to have two. How can I not? Not after everything I went through.

Then I am reminded of reality. There are no more chances. I am lucky to be alive. I really am.

I love Adam more than anything, and I am so, so lucky to have him. So lucky! I don’t know how we got away with a live birth given our history, but I count my blessings daily.

Yes, I think about the baby that could have been. Sometimes, I do. It’s not every day. Just ever so often the “what if’s” creep in.

We are not the typical fertile couple. We can’t just procreate at the drop of a hat. We can’t decide what our “ideal” family size should be. It’s not that easy here in infertile land.

We are fortunate, though. We never thought we’d get to parent, and yet, here we are. We have a 3.5 year old who can make one forget about all of the other stuff in a split second. I guess one can be lucky and unlucky at the same time.

So, when the “what if’s” creep in, no matter how soul sucking they can be, I remind myself about what is. The Amanda that was stuck in IVF hell with no actual child in sight wouldn’t flinch at the “what if’s.” That’s why I can appreciate what we have. I know that there’s a difference between having nothing and having everything even when everything has an asterisk next to it.

Posted in : Life after IF
Author : amanda

Comments»

1. lisa - July 19, 2010

The what ifs are so hard. I find myself doing that with Julia all the time. What if her brain had formed normally when she was in utero? What if she was a typical 4 year old? If I let myself go there it can be a very dark place. But…then I remind myself how lucky I am to have her period. I think of parents that have lost a child and feel selfish for having gone there. It’s impossible not to, and so important not to beat ourselves up for doing so. I agree that one can be lucky and unlucky at the same time.

So how is Adam doing these days with his allergies?

2. Erin - July 19, 2010

Adam sounds like such a wonderful little boy—I am so glad that you have him! Those “what ifs” are horrible, but it sounds like you’ve got a good grip on them.

3. Mirella - July 20, 2010

Beautifully written, Amanda! The ‘what ifs’ always creep back – no matter how busy you. Something can trigger them or sometimes they just appear. I still do it now when I think about the miscarriage I had before Jack or the fact that I could have had 3, then 2 kids with Jack’s cycle. Ultimately, I am eternally grateful for the one! I am about to start and try with our last 3 embryos. I am trying to keep my emotions in check, but it’s hard. I am not sure how any of this turn out, but I do know that I am approaching it differently than I did with Jack. Now there is Jack and no matter what happens with this next and last cycle I will always be luckier than I could have imagined for having been blessed with him.

I am glad that Adam can make the ‘what ifs’ vanish with a smile – a funny action – by just being there! I know it is that way with Jack. He gives me the strength to deal with the hand that I am dealt and I can’t put into words how incredible that is.

4. Jane - August 4, 2010

I also have a fertility problem, and I sometimes wonder if I may have another baby. But my life is at stake because I tend to have a high risk pregnancy. So I’m also stuck with the what ifs. Thanks for reminding me that I don’t have to ponder so much about it because I also have a four year old whose rocking my world. She’s a blessing!

5. Miss X - August 4, 2010

That would definitely have been tough. “What if’s” are unavoidable sometimes. I am so, so glad you have Adam.

P.S.
Good luck on the house! I’ve fallen off the earth lately and never post anymore. Just know I am thinking of you always!

6. linda - August 7, 2010

Ahhh the “what ifs” will drive you batty Amanda. None of us can help but to do that though. I’m so glad that you have Adam. :)

7. Nadia - August 19, 2010

I love your way of writing and expressing yourself, Amanda. You have every right to wonder, and yet you just have this burning love for your son which is so profound and admirable. You are handling this all with such a healthy mindset. God bless!

8. niobe - October 18, 2010