Coast Is Clear, I Think May 29, 2010
So, I kinda took my blog down for a few days. I’m back now, though.
My mom was visiting this week, and I was showing her something on my computer. I stupidly forgot about the perma-links at the top of my browser, one of which is to my blog. She said, “What’s Manana Banana?” Um, nothing?
I didn’t know if she’d go Googling or not (she knows the origins of the title of my blog,) so I shut down things for a bit. This wouldn’t have been the first time a family member has found my blog. Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law have found it in the past, independently of one another. My brother found it, too. It’s really not hard to find. I’ve asked them all to respect my privacy, and I hope that they have respected that.
This is my safe place. It’s also a place where I connect to others. So, there’s just no going password protected for me. I’ve seen what searches lead to my blog, and I’m not about to turn my back to those who are going through hell. At the same time, though, I’d like to think this is a place I can write without anyone looking over my shoulder.
So, I’m just going to assume that that’s the case. (Ahem, just in case anyone is reading that shouldn’t be.) I need this place, and I need others to be able to have access to it, for my benefit and theirs.
So, that’s that. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Down for Maintenance May 26, 2010
My blog will be on hiatus for a few days while I track some stats. I haven’t done that in a couple of years but feel the need to do so now due to a potential leak of said blog.
Not too much to report anyway. Staying busy with all of the house stuff. Haven’t sold ours. Haven’t found a new one. Still trying on both ends.
I’ll be back when the coast is clear.
Free to Good Home August 3, 2009
I’m in the process of redoing my office and am going through all of my books in the process. I’ve got a few infertility books that I no longer need if anyone is interested. (I have no idea if anyone who these would be appropriate for even reads my blog anymore, but I thought I’d offer them up anyway.)
The first two I bought before my first IVF cycle. I found them helpful, but I do think they’re geared more towards someone just starting out in the IVF world. They are:
The other two I bought after I had a few cycles under my belt and was researching other options. I thought they were both really great books. They are:
Helping the Stork: The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination
So, if anyone would like one or more of them just shoot me an email (address in the sidebar,) and I’ll pop them in the mail.
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ETA: The first two books have now been spoken for.
Another Year, Another Blogiversary April 19, 2007
Three years ago today I started this blog. I really didn’t know where I was going with it when I started it. It wasn’t like I really intended it to be a record of our multi year infertility saga. I guess no one really plans for that, though.
I also don’t really know where I’m going with this blog now. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t had this place to vent while going through all of the IVF crap, but things are different now. I’ve somehow managed to come out on the other side with a son. I honestly didn’t believe it would ever happen, but it did.
I don’t really need to vent anymore. I can honestly say that I’m happier now than I ever have been. Sure, I’m finding some aspects of parenting to be challenging, but it’s nothing like the challenges of the IVF days.
I don’t really feel like a “mommy blogger.” Hell, I still have to pinch myself most days. I guess I just don’t really know what to post anymore.
I don’t think I’m ready to stop blogging, and I know that even if that were the case I’d leave my blog up. I know what it feels like to be googling away trying to find someone going through something similar. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found solace in a fellow blogger’s words.
As weird as it may sound, I guess it’s going to take some time for me to get used to not being an infertility patient. IVF was my life for a good chunk of time. I invested everything in it. It truly consumed me, and that’s how it had to be. I wouldn’t have been able to do it any other way.
Now I’m using syringes to give Adam medicine instead of sticking a needle on the end to jab myself for the umpteenth time. Am I thankful? Hell yes. I’ve never been more thankful for anything in my life. Is it still an adjustment? Yep.
I guess part of me will always see myself that way, though. It goes deeper than seeing myself as one half of an infertile couple. There’s a chunk of me that I think will always identify with being an IVF patient. We just went through too much to ever forget it, ya know.
However, I do want to be able to move forward at the same time. Remembering what we went through to get Adam is what is making me the kind of parent I’m turning out to be, but thankfully I’m now also able to put the bitterness and sadness that I experienced for so many years to the side and focus on living my life with our little guy.
So, who really knows where I’ll head with this blog. It sure has saved me the past 3 years. I wonder if it will take me through the next 3.
The Stork Has Landed January 11, 2007
The big day has finally arrived! Adam Daniel was born last night at 9:44 pm. He weighs 6 pounds, 10 ounces, and is 19 inches long. He gave us quite a scare by being reluctant to start breathing after being born, but he got going after a bit of stimulation. He also had some trouble maintaining his breathing in the transition nursery, and so he spent the night in the Level II NICU under observation. He did a great job overnight, though, and we spent some time with him there at 4:30 and again at 6:00 this morning. He is now in the room with us and doing great, although very sleepy after all that hard work.
What a Difference a Year (or Two or Three) Can Make January 1, 2007
I just went and read through my last posts of 2004 and 2005. It’s not like I don’t remember, but reading it brings it back to the forefront.
We’ve had some tough years. We started trying to conceive at the end of 2001. Dan got his azoospermia diagnosis towards the end of 2003. 2004 was spent with a ton of testing on Dan’s part, some on mine, two surgeries for him, and IVF #1 and FET #1.
2005 brought IVF #2 and my first chemical, FET #2, IVF #3 and the miscarriage that followed, as well as the passing of our sweet kitty, Dixie.
Then came 2006. We started the year off with IVF #4 in January and ended up with another chemical. Thankfully we had some to freeze and spent April and May doing FET #3.
And then, somehow, our luck changed. I’ll never understand it. Not in a million years, but it did. After some concerning non doubling betas, we got to the part that we never had before, a heartbeat. I continued to be scared ultrasound after ultrasound, but somehow they all managed to go well.
Then at the end of July we bought our first house, a definite milestone for 11 year veteran apartment dwellers. A couple of weeks later we moved back to Houston from our one year jaunt over to Lafayette.
2006 wasn’t all smooth sailing. Our Level II brought some concerning news at the end of August. (Thankfully most of it has now been resolved.) Then we lost our sweet kitty, Muffy, at the end of November to renal failure.
December was spent in an attempt to prepare for the little guy’s arrival. Yesterday, the last day of 2006, marked 36 weeks of this pregnancy. It was definitely a nice way to bring in the new year.
This pregnancy made 2006 an unbelievable year. I never thought it would happen. Throughout every episode of anxiety, every second of disbelief, I have truly enjoyed this experience. Now I sit here at the beginning of another year anxiously awaiting the little guy’s arrival. We’ve only got two weeks left, give or take a little bit.
I honestly don’t think I would have been able to appreciate this experience as nearly as much as I have if we hadn’t gone through all of that other crap to get here. It sucked beyond belief to have to go through, and I hate so much that other people are going through that kind of hell right this very minute, but I have no doubt that it changed my outlook on things.
I am still incredibly nervous that something will happen in the next couple of weeks to make my dream turn into another nightmare, but I’m hoping with all of my heart that 2007 brings with it a safe entrance into this world for the little guy. That would truly be a dream come true and would make the long journey more than worth every second of it.
Christmas Wishes December 25, 2006
There are lots of things swirling around in my head right now that I could have blogged about today. However, there’s one thought that keeps coming back to me.
I know how hard the holidays can be when you’re infertile. The past few Christmases have been extremely hard for me to get through. This is the first year in a long time that I haven’t cried sad tears this time of year, and I so wish that the holiday season, and today in particular for many people, didn’t have to be so heartbreaking.
So, my wish this Christmas is that if you’re still in the trenches, whether it be that you’re dealing with the aftermath of another failed cycle, or popping pills and shooting up in anticipation of starting a new one, or waiting for a referral, or just waiting to figure out what comes next, that this is the last holiday season that you have to spend in that place. I wish for that so much.
Birthday Wishes December 14, 2006
Someone I know and love is celebrating a big birthday today. It’s Dan’s 30th.
I really hope he has a good birthday. He so deserves it. He’s such a great husband, and he has been such a wonderful partner throughout all of this pregnancy stuff. That actually comes as no surprise since he’s always been a fabulous partner through everything including all of the ups and downs that came along with infertility and IVF.
I still hate that Thanksgiving sucked, but I have to say that it warmed my heart to watch Dan stick up for me 110%. It’s not like I doubted that he would, but even thinking about it now just makes my heart swell. He’s definitely a keeper, that one.
I can’t wait for him to be a dad, and I’m so very thankful that instead of another sad birthday spent mourning the latest failed cycle or loss that this year we can look forward to the future. This morning Dan told me that he dreamt of the little guy last night, that he was here and we were a family. I so hope his birthday dream comes true.
Happy Birthday, honey!!! I love you so very much.
Choppy Seas November 29, 2006
I don’t always expect things to be smooth sailing. I truly don’t. I’ve learned that’s impossible. However, it is hard when things seem to pile on at once.
I haven’t blogged about Thanksgiving yet, because Muffy deserved her own post. That was enough tough stuff to put out there at once. Thanksgiving sucked, though. Boy, did it suck.
My mother in law came into town early which turned out not to be a great thing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like my toes were stepped on more. I spent a ton of time and energy planning everything out in advance, and it was beyond frustrating to feel like someone else was taking over my gig.
Things came to a head right as we were all getting ready to sit down for dinner Thursday night when my MIL turned to me and in a not so pleasant tone said, “Amanda, just relax.” Oh, you know I can’t get enough of that phrase. She kept going, and I lost it and headed toward the bedroom in tears. Dan tried to explain things to his mom, but she laid into him, too. He joined me in the bedroom, and we hung out in there with the kitties while everyone else ate dinner. Lovely, huh?
Things just went downhill later in the evening when we were attempting to “discuss” things with his mom. It was pointless. Hell, she even accused me of hating Dan’s brother. I have no freaking clue where she got that one since there’s not a hint of truth there.
One thing I’ll never forget is that when I mentioned that watching my cat grow closer and closer to death by the day was putting me under a tremendous amount of stress without having to deal with the other drama, she stood up and yelled at me, “This is not about the cat.” Three days later Muffy was gone. If you can’t understand how having my beloved furball go downhill affects me then you’ll never be able to understand me period.
It was all just a mess, and I’m glad it’s over now. I don’t think I’ll be hosting another holiday like that again anytime soon. Or ever for that matter.
The stress of the past couple of weeks is taking its toll. I had an OB appointment today, and I’ve only gained 1.5 pounds since my last visit 4 weeks ago. I had actually gained more but ended up actually losing weight over Thanksgiving. My fundal height measurement is now behind by a week and a half as a result. I know it’s the stress. I’ve cried more tears in the last week than I have in a really, really long time.
I go back to the OB in 2 weeks. Hopefully things will pick up, both on an emotional level and from a weight perspective, by then. I know I have to live the grief that comes as a result of Muffy’s death. Oh, how I miss her so very much. However, I’m choosing not to focus on my MIL’s drama. I’m venting about it to get it out of my system, but there are so many more important things in my life to focus on right now: honoring Muffy’s memory, making sure Salvador is loved and snuggled, taking care of the little guy, and getting through it all with Dan. How can the drama be more important than all of that? It just can’t.
The Big 3-0 November 20, 2006
I hit the 30 week mark yesterday. That’s just unreal to me. I mean, we have at most 9 weeks left. I can’t wrap my brain around that at all.
There are other things going on right now that are keeping me from really digesting the whole 30 week milestone. The big one is that Muffy isn’t doing well at all. We’re watching her display the same exact symptoms that Dixie did towards the end of her battle with renal failure. It’s impossible to predict how much time she has left with us, but I don’t think it’s a whole lot. I’m trying to stay strong and make sure she’s well taken care of and loved, but it’s impossible for me not to feel like an emotional mess over the whole situation.
We’re also hosting Thanksgiving for the first time this year. Both Dan’s family and mine will be in attendance, so that makes for a total of 14 people including the two of us. Everyone except one of Dan’s brothers who lives in town will be staying over at least one night. We’ll have 13 people sleeping here Thursday night. It’s going to be a full house. I guess those 4.5 bathrooms will finally come in handy.
While I’m glad everyone will be able to get together for the holiday, the timing isn’t too great given the whole Muffy situation. It’s not like these things can be planned, though. I just hope it all works out.
Twins! September 24, 2006
No, not that kind of twins. Car twins.
Dan and I bought new cars yesterday, Accords to be more exact. It was a long time coming. The process wasn’t as bad as I had prepared myself for. We went the internet salesperson route and got a really good deal with less hassle.
I thought I would be fine with one of the lower end models, but after seeing the EX with leather that Dan wanted, it was a pretty easy decision. So, our cars are identical except for the color. Mine’s the silver one.
I told Dan yesterday that after that we’re done spending money. After the house, the furniture, the cars, well I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I feel fortunate that we’re now in a place where we can do this, though. It’s amazing what happens when you’re not dropping $75K on IVF.
Of course it’s crossed my mind like a billion times that I’m jinxing things. All of this stuff will mean absolutely nothing if the little guy doesn’t make it. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but it’s impossible not to for a paranoid nut like me.
Today, though, things are good, and I’m very, very grateful. I hit the 22 week mark today, too, so that’s definitely a good thing as well.
Meds Up for Grabs September 7, 2006
If any of my fellow out of pocketers are cycling right now or in the immediate future and need either Repronex or PIO, I have a little of both that I’d like to donate. I have four vials of Repronex with an expiration date of 10/06 and one bottle of 100mg/mL PIO (the double strength good stuff) with an expiration date of 9/30/06. If you can use either or both, please shoot me an email. My address is over there in the sidebar.
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Both the Repronex and PIO have now been spoken for. I wish I could play Santa with IF meds more often.
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Maggie has generously offered her leftover meds for donation. She has 6 Follistim cartridges (600IU), a follistim pen and 6 ganirelix acetate injection 0.5 ml. If you’re interested, send me an email so I can pass it along to her. Thanks Maggie!
That’s a Crapload of Furniture August 25, 2006
Today was our big shopping expedition day, and man did we do some damage. Good thing we have practice handing over large sums of money after going through all of our cycles.
We purchased things for several rooms:
-A table and chairs for the breakfast area
-A table and chairs for the dining room
-A desk for Dan’s office
-A sofa and matching chair along with a leather chair and ottoman for the living room
-A coffee table and end tables for the living room
I think that’s plenty for one day’s work. We had most of it picked out ahead of time, so it didn’t take too long to walk into the various stores and hand over our credit card.
Some of the stuff was in stock and some will have to be ordered. As nice as it would be to get it all right away, it will be fun to have new stuff arrive every week or so for the next month.
There’s not too much going on right now besides the house stuff. I am most definitely getting spoiled by the fact that Dan is taking time off from work. I love having him home. Unfortunately, we’ve got to pay for all of this house stuff somehow so he’ll have to head back to the firm a week from Tuesday. Don’t think I won’t be enjoying the heck out of our time together until then, though. I know what kind of hours he’ll be working once he starts back.
I Love Me Some Internets August 20, 2006
Yesterday we finally got our own internet connection up and running. Thank goodness. I was starting to go a little crazy. So was Dan. It’s still surreal to be living in this house, but each day it feels a little more like it’s actually ours.
One thing about moving from a tiny apartment, one whose furniture was purchased during college, law school, and the days of massive IVF spending, to a nice new house is that we’re going to need to do some serious furniture shopping. We went and scoped things out on Friday and found some things we liked.
We’re going to have to wait just a bit before we can start making major purchases, though. Making our down payment and paying closing costs pretty much put our bank accounts into shock, but thankfully Dan will be receiving a nice clerkship bonus when he starts back at the firm. Then it will be time to do some serious damage.
There’s not a ton to report on the pregnancy front. I hit 17 weeks today, and I’m still a big scaredy cat. I’m just so worried that my body is going to fail the little guy in there. My MTHFR stuff puts me at a higher risk of preeclampsia, and having my cervix manually dilated so many times in the past may put me at an increased risk of incompetent cervix. I can’t help but worry about that stuff.
I am so very grateful to have gotten so far, but I just cannot sit back and relax as some people have suggested I do. I can’t buy baby stuff. I can’t decide on a name. I just can’t assume that everything is going to work out. I can hope, though, and that’s what I’m doing every second.
We Made It August 16, 2006
Oh, I’m so glad we’re done with that. The movers came Monday morning, and after some apartment cleaning we hit the road and headed to Houston Monday afternoon. I think the hardest part of any move for me is disrupting my kitties, but they fared the trip well.
The movers dropped off our stuff yesterday afternoon, and we’ve been busy unpacking ever since. We have our cable and phone working now, but alas no internet. As you can see that hasn’t stopped me from getting online, though. Hopefully it will be working soon, so we can stop “borrowing” our neighbors wireless.
It’s definitely been strange moving from our tiny apartment to this house. It’s very nice, though. It’s been so funny watching the kitties explore every nook and cranny. I don’t think they know what to think about this place. Salvador is definitely enjoying the stairs. Running up and down them is just plain fun for him.
Dan has a few weeks off before heading back to the firm, so we definitely have some time to get settled in. I think we’re both looking forward to just hanging out together in the new house for a while.
One Last Night August 13, 2006
Tonight is our last night in the apartment. The movers are coming tomorrow morning, and we’ll be making the trip over to Houston in the afternoon/evening. I wish I could say that we’re 100% packed up and everything, but um, not so much. We’re making a ton of progress and will be by the end of the day, though.
I can’t believe we’re moving tomorrow. And I really can’t believe we’re moving into that house. It still hasn’t suck in that that’s our house.
I am excited, though. Dan and I have been living in apartments for over 10 years. It’s going to be strange to finally have a house, but I know it’s going to be a wonderful kind of strange.
In non-moving news, I got the results of my AFP test back. I really wasn’t patient enough to wait for someone to call me so I called my OB’s office Friday morning. It had been a week since I had the test done, so I figured that the results should be back. I left my message and waited.
Well, I got tired of waiting and was afraid that I wasn’t going to get a call back and thus would have to wait the weekend, so I called the lab where I had the test done. They gave me the results right away, and they were good. My risk of neural tube defects is 1:6682.
So, I guess the next time I post I’ll officially be a Texan again. Hopefully we’ll get our internet hooked up without problems, but who knows. I guess I can always “borrow” a neighbor’s wireless if need be. Gotta have our priorities, ya know.
Jam Packed Weekend August 7, 2006
I barely know where to start with all of the happenings this past weekend. We got a lot accomplished.
We drove over to Houston early Friday morning in time for my OB appointment. That went well, and my OB didn’t even bat an eyelash when I asked for an ultrasound. She really took a lot of time showing us everything which I appreciated. I can use all the reassurance I can get. I hit the 15 week mark yesterday, and things look like they’re on track so far.
Then I headed over to a different office for my AFP appointment which was totally weird for me. I’m so used to having blood drawn out of my arm that it took me by surprise when the nurse just wanted a finger prick. Hopefully I’ll get those results back by the end of the week.
Friday afternoon we had our blinds installed, and our refrigerator and washer & dryer were installed Friday night. It’s nice to see the house coming along a bit.
Dan’s family was in town for a visit, so we got to spend a good amount of time with them which was nice. Sunday afternoon before heading back I went to the baby shower of a really good IVF friend who is now adopting domestically. I hadn’t been to a baby shower in years, but I was glad I could make hers.
To my complete and total surprise we actually had mail in our mailbox when we returned home to the apartment last night. I was so relieved not to have to march over to the post office today and straighten that out. In other mail news, we got our house mail keys this weekend, too. It was definitely a good weekend on the mail front.
The movers are coming a week from today, so now I’m just trying to get crap done. And boy is there a still a lot left to do.
Moving Sucks August 3, 2006
I know I should be really good at this by now given the fact that this will be our umpteenth move. (I think it’s #10, but I lost count along the way.) I don’t think practice really helps much in this situation, though. It’s still not fun.
Our apartment is getting really crowded with boxes and we’re not even done with half of the packing. I have no idea where to put the rest of them. I guess moving into a house four times larger than this tiny place doesn’t seem like such a bad idea now.
Then there’s all the fun to be had dealing with utilities, mail, etc. I called the cable company today to inquire about new service at our house and got so frustrated after learning it would be about $140 just for installation (they charge per outlet and we have a bunch of outlets) that I told them I would call back next week (when hopefully they’ll have some kind of deal running).
I think I’m just throwing my hands in the air with our current mail situation. When we got the keys to the house after closing we were told to take our settlement papers to the post office where they would give us our mail box key. We made our way to the P.O. only to learn that they did not have our key and did not know when they would have it. Our name got added to a sizeable list of other people waiting for their keys. We’ll try again when we’re in Houston this weekend, but I’m not holding my breath.
On top of that, Dan found a note in our apartment complex mailbox this evening that some dimwit in the office had placed in there letting the post office know that we had moved out. Um, hello. We’re not moving for another week and a half, you morons. They have our notice and our August rent, so I don’t know how they could be confused. So now I have no clue where our mail is going. It was too late to go to the P.O. today to straighten it all out, so I’ll have to wait until Monday since we’re leaving early tomorrow morning to head over to Houston.
I know it will be soooo nice when we’re all settled in the house, but right now I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. It sure does help to bitch about it on my blog, though.
Home Sweet Home (now with test result update) July 28, 2006
We are now officially homeowners. Yesterday Dan and I kept asking each other what the hell we were doing. Buying this house has been a pretty surreal experience.
Closing went smoothly and was easier than I expected. We got the keys to the house shortly thereafter and got to hang out in it for a bit in order to figure out a few things. We even managed to fit in a trip to the store to order our appliances, a new fridge and washer/dryer, yesterday afternoon before hitting the road to head back to Lafayette.
Dan’s got to finish up his job here so we won’t be moving for a couple of weeks, but we’ll be making the trip back over to Houston next weekend so we’ll get to visit our new home again then.
Unfortunately I still do not have my ultra-screen test results yet, and it’s driving me batty. Each day that passes without those results makes me worry even more. I really, really hope they come back today because the thought of having to wait another weekend is something I don’t want to think about right now.
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I was supposed to get my test results through a medical voicemail system. I finally had enough of dialing the darn system over and over again and called the lab. It looks like I’ve been worrying for an extra week. My results were actually back on the 20th. AAAHHH!
What happened was that the voicemail system tells you to input your home telephone number. Well, when they inputted mine into the system they put a 1 before my area code since it was an out of state number. No one ever told me to put an extra 1 in there when I was to call for the results. It’s just insane to me that I had to wait an extra week over a 1.
So, onto the results. Before the screening, my odds for Down’s were 1:713. After the screening, they went to 1:2094. Before the screening my odds for Trisomy 13 and 18 were 1:1299. After the screening they’re 1:>10,000. So, definitely good news.
My early sex determination b/w result was back, too, and it looks like the u/s tech was right with her guess. According to the DNA test, there’s a >96% chance that it’s a boy.
It is such a relief to finally have these results. I think it might even be starting to feel a little bit real now.
But I’m So Good At It July 26, 2006
There are two things that I’m pretty darn good at, worrying and being impatient. It’s just how I’m built. Dan is always telling me that I don’t need to worry. My reply is always “yes, I do.” Not that I like to, but that’s how it is.
My ultra-screen results aren’t back yet, and it’s making me antsy. I had the bloodwork done with my nuchal translucency appointment a week from yesterday. This feels like an eternity to wait for the results. Especially since I was told that they would take a week.
My anxiousness over the situation is showing up in my dreams. Last night I dreamt of two not so pleasant things: not being able to find the heartbeat with the doppler and of a second trimester delivery/loss. It was horrible.
The other thing adding to the mix is the fact that we’re closing on our house tomorrow. TOMORROW! Oh my goodness. It’s beyond insane to me, and it’s making me nervous.
So, yeah. I’m a big ball of nerves for the moment. Hopefully things will get better soon. I would love to get some wonderfully relieving test results back soon and then have a smooth closing tomorrow. That would definitely help.
There is one big milestone that’s helping right now, though. I’m 13w3d today. Now, there are multiple ways to calculate the trimesters, but if you go by the gestational method (40 weeks of gestation divided by 3) then today is the start of the second trimester for me. I really feel like I need pinched. I have officially made it out of the first trimester. Unreal.
So, I’m hanging onto that while waiting (ever so impatiently) for the other stuff. Hopefully by the end of the day tomorrow I will be a homeowner with test results in hand. We shall see.
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