Three Posts In One July 18, 2006
I had my nuchal translucency scan today. Apparently everything looked ok, but the odds won’t be calculated until my blood work results come back. That should take about a week.
After I walked into the ultrasound room the first thing the tech asked me was, “Is this your first pregnancy?” I replied that it was actually my fourth. She then asked, “So, you have three kids at home then?” Um, no. Gotta love being a freak.
After the tech was done with all of the measurements she asked if I wanted to know the sex. She then said that she “thought she saw something down there.” She printed me a picture of it, and there’s definitely something. Still way too early to know for sure, of course.
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Saturday we received an invoice in the mail from our clinic. It was for the storage fee for our frozen sperm. The letter said we could pay the $300 or sign the enclosed form to have the sperm disposed of.
We only have one vial left, but it’s still a vial of hard won sperm. Dan had to go through surgery for us to get that.
It didn’t take us long to decide what to do. $300 is a drop in the bucket to keep our options open. I think that if this cycle hadn’t worked then we would strongly think about having it disposed of. We would be moving on to other options anyway. Having this cycle work (so far-knock on wood) changes that.
We don’t know if we’ll actually get a kid out of this, and we certainly don’t know if we’ll go insane enough to jump back on the damn IVF roller coaster to try for a sibling should things actually work out. It’s good to know that we have the option to do so if we so choose, though.
All I know is that I can’t even wrap my brain around the current situation. There’s no way I’m about to make any major decisions about future plans. I consider that $300 a way to postpone any major thinking on the issue.
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I found out yesterday that my brother and SIL have found my blog. My brother sent me the nicest email about wanting to respect my privacy, etc. He said that he was glad that I’ve found such wonderful community of understanding women. So am I. I still haven’t emailed him back. I don’t know quite what to say. At least it’s not as strange of a situation as when my in-laws found my blog.
What a Day July 15, 2006
Man, yesterday was a long day. It was quite productive, though.
First up after we got to Houston was my OB appt. It was so weird being in the waiting room. I turned to Dan and said, “Um, there are people with bellies in here.” So surreal.
We both really liked the OB. She works with IVF patients a lot, and you could tell. She said she liked us because we were persistent. I replied that we were really just stubborn. It seems like she gets the IVF veteran war wounds stuff as much as anyone could without going through it themselves.
We discussed a couple of my main issues including the MTHFR stuff and my wonky cervix situation. She was familiar with all of the MTHFR issues and was more than fine with my Lovenox usage. We also discussed the need for prenatal testing given our IVF history and miscarriage history.
I’ll be having the nuchal translucency/ultra-screen test done on Tuesday, so I’ll be making the trip back over for that. The lab that does those tests is also doing a study on early fetal sex determination through a DNA blood test. Apparently it’s about 95% accurate. They do that test when they do the ultra-screen, so I’ll be having that done as well.
Assuming I somehow manage to make it to the 18 week mark, my OB wants me to consult with a high risk OB when I go in for the level II ultrasound. She wants to bring someone in to weigh in on both the Lovenox issue and the cervix issue. My OB said they’re going to watch me like a hawk after everything we’ve been through, and she obviously means it. I’ll also be going back for my next regular appointment in three weeks instead of the usual four.
Amazingly enough I didn’t have to have any blood tests yesterday. I had scrounged through my massive file of test results and pulled out everything I thought was applicable. Sure enough, I’ve had everything they normally test for. Fine by me. I did get another ultrasound yesterday which is always a good thing. Things looked great, so that was reassuring.
I have to admit that the appointment was pretty overwhelming to me. I left there with my head spinning. It still doesn’t feal real. I’m going to be 12 weeks tomorrow, and it still hasn’t sunk in yet.
After my appointment we grabbed a quick bite to eat and got our insurance stuff worked out at the agent’s office. Then it was on to the house. It was good seeing it again. It had been a while.
Our inspection went well. He found mostly minor stuff common to new construction. Nothing majorly worrisome, though. The one big thing that he found was that they forgot to put in roof vents. Oops. We had the meeting with the builder right after the inspection, and we’re getting upgraded ones for free because of it.
We went through a ton of stuff with the head builder like where all of the shut off valves and stuff were. I hope Dan remembers all of that. After we were done with all of the house stuff we hit the road again and headed back home.
I think I was delirious when we finally stumbled through the door. It was well worth it, though. It was quite a day.
Best. Invention. Ever. July 13, 2006
My doppler arrived yesterday, and I have to say that I’m in love. It took me a while to find the heartbeat at first, and of course I have to admit that not so wonderful thoughts crossed my mind while lying there searching for it. I finally found it, though, and man that is some sweet relief. I even found it again this morning with minimal searching. I think that’s the best $25/month I’ve ever spent.
It makes me feel better going into my OB appointment tomorrow knowing that things aren’t dead in there. Of course, I still feel totally weirded out by going to a normal OB instead of my oh so familiar RE. I mean, I am so not normal.
Tomorrow is going to be an action packed day. We need to hit the road by 7:00 in order to make it over to Houston in time for my appointment. We also have our house inspection scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I imagine neither one of those are going to be quick. We also have to squeeze in a trip to the insurance company and a meeting with our head builder. We might even manage to find a minute or two for a quick meal while we’re at it. Then it’s back on the interstate for the long drive back home tomorrow night.
I imagine we’ll be stumbling through the door around bedtime, so there probably won’t be any updates posted until Saturday. I really hope things go ok tomorrow. On a different note, here are a couple of updates.
House update: We got our appraisal info yesterday and all looks good. The house appraised for more than we’re paying for it, so we have one more thing we can cross off of the list.
Kitty update: I took Muffy to the vet yesterday for her fluid treatment. She was not a happy camper as evidenced by the slashing she gave my arm. We’re going to do one more treatment at the vet’s office at a time when Dan can accompany us and then we’ll try to do it at home from there on out. I think it will be less stressful for her that way. Hopefully the subq fluids combined with the continued use of her prescription food will keep her feeling ok for the time being.
Progress July 7, 2006
We’re making a little progress on several fronts. I went back to the eye doctor on Wednesday, and it appears that the drops have done their job. I even get to start wearing contacts again starting tomorrow. Thank freaking goodness, because I’m beyond sick of wearing my glasses.
Things are starting to come together on the house front. We found out this week that our appliances and backyard sod have been installed which means we can get a few other things going now. Our inspection is scheduled for a week from today, the 14th. That seemed like a good day since we’ll be over in Houston anyway for my OB appt. The completion of those installations has also allowed for our appraisal to be ordered.
It’s nice to have grass in the backyard now. It makes it look like a real house instead of a construction zone.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
It’s also nice to see what the kitchen looks like with appliances as opposed to seeing it with holes.
BEFORE:
AFTER:
We still have a lot to get done before we close at the end of the month, but we’re getting there. I’m just glad things are moving forward.
Moving Right Along June 21, 2006
Things are coming along on the house front. We found out yesterday that we’ve been officially approved for our mortgage and that our interest rate has been locked in. Those are definitely good things.
Up next are the appraisal and inspection. Both of those will have to wait a bit, though, until the house is 100% finished. The two things we’re waiting on are the installation of the appliances and the sodding of the backyard. The appliances have been ordered, so that one shouldn’t take too long. However, it may be a little bit of a wait until the backyard can be sodded. It’s just too wet right now due to all of the rain in recent days. Things will have to dry out before they can get started on it. Good thing we’re not in a hurry.
What’s not moving right along, however, is the wait until my rescheduled ultrasound on Friday. I’m still so scared that things aren’t going to work out. It’s so funny to me how differently Dan and I are dealing with the current situation. I’m still in denial, afraid of saying too much for fear of jinxing anything. Plus, I’m still so far off from thinking things might actually be ok.
Dan, on the other hand, has turned into Mr. Positive. He’s just so sure that everything is ok and will continue to be that way. I guess this is his way of coping just like I have my way, but it’s just so opposite of how I’m feeling. I think we’re driving each other a bit crazy because of it. He drives me crazy with his liberal use of the p-word while I drive him insane with my negative talk. I guess it’s a good thing we can balance each other out a bit.
Dan’s been great, though. He keeps asking me if I want him to take off Friday to come with me to Houston. I keep hedging on my answer. The truth is that while it would be nice to have him with me, both for the actual ultrasound and for the long drive, I can’t help but think that he needs to go to work on Friday in case he needs to take off a day of work for D&C purposes if we get bad news.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get out of the habit of expecting everything to go to hell eventually. I mean, I have good reason to think that way. I just can’t imagine things working out and being able to break that thought process. It just doesn’t seem possible.
I guess it’s a good thing I’m hanging around Mr. Positive these days. Just think what I’d be like otherwise.
A Bit Discombobulated June 11, 2006
I’ve been a bit of a mess this week in multiple ways. Yesterday morning while attempting to prepare breakfast I dropped our pepper ball into a bowl of raw scrambled eggs. Um, yeah. That thing was done for. Then I turned on the wrong burner on the stove. I was quickly banned from the kitchen for the rest of the morning.
I’ve felt a bit uneasy all week. An obvious reason for this would be tomorrow’s ultrasound. I’m still terrified of bad news. It just doesn’t seem like things could all possibly work out at once.
Another reason for my uneasiness is the new house situation. At first I thought it was just the first time homebuyer issues coming into play. I finally figured out that that wasn’t it at all. I can handle paperwork, and I can handle all of the other bureaucratic crap that comes along with it. I can even handle handing over a big chunk of money. I’ve become a bit numb to that after writing so many huge ass checks for IVF cycles.
It dawned on me the other day what was really going on. I’ve been feeling guilty. You see, no one else in my family could afford to buy a house like that. Our house will be about three times larger than my parent’s house, the house my two brothers and I grew up in. It feels weird to be buying a big house when it’s just us right now. I know it will make more sense in the future, but it makes for some conflicting feelings in the present. I’ve been trying to reconcile my guilt about it, but it’s hard. I just don’t want to make anyone feel badly.
I guess it is just a strange feeling to me to have something great to look forward to. I’m so used to getting the short end of the stick. I’m also so used to sacrificing financially for this little IVF venture that it seems foreign to me to be buying this house. I guess it will just take time to sink in like everything else.
I have to admit it’s been nice to have a distraction. It really hasn’t made this week go by any faster, though. I’m sure the clock will be ticking very slowly until tomorrow as well.
It’s Been a Big Week June 7, 2006
I was all set to write a post today about the frustrations of house hunting, but it looks like I don’t have to because we found ourselves a house. It’s been a very surreal week.
We went and looked at a few more houses while we were over in Houston on Monday. We found a new construction house we liked but wanted to sleep on it. When we called back on Tuesday we found out it had been sold that morning. I know our experiences make it seem that houses are just flying off the shelves where we’re looking, but that’s not actually the case. It’s just the houses we end up liking that seem to be swept out from under us.
Anyway, the builder had another house with the same floorplan that had an additional bedroom and bathroom. That plus some additional upgrades made it higher priced than the one we were looking at buying. After some thinking and some negotiating with the builder’s representative, we decided to go for it.
I’m a little overwhelmed at the moment. Not only is buying your first house a huge step, but it just seams unreal to me to be buying this particular house. It’s huge to me. It has 5 bedrooms and 4.5 baths. I don’t know what the hell we’ll do with all of that, but we wanted a house we could grow into. I guess this fits the bill.
Here it is.
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On a separate note, I just want to express how much all of your comments on my last post truly mean to me. Many times I have sat and cried while I read the comments to my end of cycle posts. I couldn’t hold back the tears as I read all of your comments to my most recent post, but for once I was not crying tears of sadness. Thank you for that.
Denial Meets Distraction June 1, 2006
I’m still firmly planted in denial land but thought it might be a good idea to through a little distraction into the mix. You can’t have too many coping mechanisms it seems.
We decided to move ahead with the house stuff and submitted an offer on the house we had our eye on. Getting all of that paperwork completed was definitely a good distraction. Unfortunately we found out this morning that our offer wasn’t selected. Someone else decided to submit an offer on the same day and when they found out that they were in a multiple offer situation, they upped their offer to above listing price.
I’m bummed because we really, really liked that house. We’ve been looking for a month and a half and haven’t found anything we like nearly as much. Oh, well. I guess that’s how things go. To be honest, I didn’t think we could have both the house stuff and other “not to be named” stuff both work out well at the same time. We’re not that lucky. If I were given the choice, you know which one I’d choose.
So, we’re back to the drawing board with the house hunting stuff. We still have time, but it would have been nice just to have it done.
As much as the distraction has been good, this house stuff has made me a little more nervous. Adding one nerve wracking wait on top of another isn’t always the best idea. Of course I can’t help but wonder if not getting this house is the beginning of things starting to unravel. I know it’s not a rational thought, but it would be just my luck.
I guess I really just need to focus on living in denial land for now. My mind goes too many ugly places otherwise. Ok, let’s give it a shot. Ultrasound? What ultrasound? House? What house? See, it’s working already.
On a Lighter Note May 24, 2006
Ok, I think my drama queen freakout is over at least temporarily. Sometimes I just need to lose it so that I can keep it together. Does that make sense? Probably not, but the point is that after letting out my fears and having a good cry yesterday, I feel better today.
Now this doesn’t mean I’m not still scared or that I think this will actually work out. I’m too jaded for positive thinking. I am attempting to chill the fuck out, though. I think I’ll make it to Saturday in one piece. However, all bets are off after the results of beta #3.
Oh, and I know it seems like extra torture to have to wait until Saturday instead of having #3 done tomorrow. I understand the reasoning, though. It would suck to get an ambiguous number Thursday only to have to make the trip over on Saturday anyway. It actually works out better for me since Dan will be able to make the drive over with me on Saturday when he wouldn’t have been able to on Thursday. Definitely a good thing.
Ok, on to the lighter stuff. You wanna hear my shot story from yesterday? It’s one to add to the IVF memory book for sure. I have to do my PIO shots in the morning this cycle since the damn suppositories are supposed to be done at bedtime. Of course my AM shot time just happened to fall right in the middle of my drive over to Houston yesterday. There really was no good solution, so I ended up giving myself a PIO injection in a bathroom stall at McDonalds. It was quite an experience to say the least.
My distraction from all of this stuff has been house hunting. Things are sort of moving along with that. We found a house we like, but it’s overpriced and the sellers really aren’t budging. I think they’re trying to recoup their 6% Realtor commission even though they’ve only lived there less than a year and a half. The house hasn’t appreciated that much in that length of time, but it appears that they’re ignoring that fact.
We’re not in a rush, so we’re taking our time with it. We’ll probably go back in a couple weeks to look at some more houses. Who knows, maybe the sellers of the house we like will get more lenient if their house sits on the market for a while.
It has been kinda fun to look at different houses and get an idea of what we like and don’t like. Carpet in the master bath? Um, no. Dead trees in the front yard? No thank you. The owners of one of the houses we looked at even neglected to remove a dead bird off of their patio. Yuck.
We’ll figure out the house stuff eventually. Just like I hope we’ll figure out everything else.
The Results Are In May 21, 2006
I managed to find some wireless to steal borrow, so I get to post before we get back late tonight. Beta was 153. I go back on Tuesday for beta #2. Off to find a house now. Thanks so much for all of the good wishes. You guys rock.
Eight Years Ago Today May 16, 2006
Dan and I are celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary today. You would think that having a birthday and an anniversary in the two week wait would provide a good distraction. You can only be distracted so much, though. The wait is still torture.
I am so thankful that I’m going through all of this with Dan. When I start in on my doom and gloom stuff he is quick to remind me that no matter what happens with this last cycle that we’ll make it through it together. I have no doubt that he’s correct. We’ve already made it through so much. We’ll make it through this, too, hand in hand.
And while we’re speaking of Dan, I’d like to mention that he’s volunteered to write another From the Husband post this week. I’m sure it will be more interesting than reading about my two week wait torture. It’s always the same thing anyway, right? I want to find out, but I don’t. The fake symptoms are torturing me. I don’t think it worked. Blah, blah, blah. I’m interested in reading my husband’s take on the wait for beta and IVF in general. Much more interesting, I think.
Happy Anniversary, honey. Smooches! I couldn’t make it through this crap without you.
Adventures in Progesterone May 8, 2006
So, I got through my first ever experience with progesterone suppositories last night. Yes, I’m on my seventh cycle and have managed to avoid them to this point. They’re not exactly my idea of a good time, but I guess I’ll live.
I have to do my PIO shots in the morning this cycle since the suppositories are done at bedtime. This is a major change for me since I’ve done my PIO injections at night during all of my previous cycles. It’s just much easier to remember that way.
Last night I told Dan that I should put a post-it on the front door as a reminder to do the PIO in the morning before he left for work. He reassured me that wasn’t necessary because he’d remember. You know where this is going, right? At 9:30 this morning it hit me that we had both forgotten to have him give me my shot before he left for work. Of course by that time he was across town at work and my shot was already late, so I had no choice but to do it myself.
Well, before I did it I uttered some choice words in my husband’s direction through a couple IM’s. He apologized profusely and even offered to come back home to do it. That wasn’t necessary because I just sucked it up and pushed that long ass needle into my flesh. Fun times.
On a completely different note, I thought I’d answer a couple questions from the comments of my previous post. Ann Marie asked if I’d be doing acupuncture before and after ET on Friday. The answer is no. I’m actually going to a teaching clinic to cut down on costs. $30 a session is much better than $85, but the clinic doesn’t have Friday morning hours. I will, however, be having a session done before we head back on Saturday. The reason I wanted to do acupuncture in the first place was because of my lining. Now that I’ve started progesterone that lining isn’t going to grow more, so doing a session for that purpose is pointless. I’m going on Saturday because I feel like it won’t hurt, plus when you pay for four sessions you get the fifth one free. I’m so not one to pass up something that’s free.
Leggy asked if there was any house news. We did make progress this weekend on that front. We determined that we didn’t like the interior of the new construction house that we had our eye on. We did, however, find a house up for resell that we liked. It’s yet to be determined if the timing of closing will work out, but we’re considering it. I really feel like we must get through this cycle before making any major decisions on the house front, so hopefully in a couple weeks we’ll have more of idea of where things stand.
Change of Plans May 4, 2006
There will be no truckers honking at me Friday morning, because I’m no longer having my ultrasound done on Friday. No, I didn’t cancel it, but I did manage to reschedule it.
You see, Dan and I have been planning to head over to Houston this weekend to meet with our realtor to start house hunting. If I had my ultrasound appointment on Friday then I would be driving over and back Friday and then back again Saturday morning. Too much damn driving.
Normally my clinic doesn’t do FET scans on the weekends, but I got them to make an exception for me. Now my appointment is scheduled for Saturday morning. The only catch is that I have to be there at 8am, so we’ll head over tomorrow evening after Dan is finished with work.
Saturday is going to be a packed day. I’ve got my u/s at 8, we’re meeting with the realtor at 10, then with the mortgage people in the early afternoon, followed by my acupuncture appointment at 3. We’ll then hit the road and stop by my parent’s house for dinner on the way back home. We ought to get at least something accomplished out of all of that.
I guess I should be really excited about all of this house hunting stuff. The truth is, though, that I’m not at this very moment. First of all, I really care a lot more about how my lining is going to look Saturday morning than anything else that’s going to happen that day. Secondly, it makes me sad to think about buying a huge house with no little ones to fill up the bedrooms. Ok, that makes me downright depressed. I also can’t help but think that part of the reason we’ll be able to afford to buy a house is that we won’t be doing any more IVF cycles. It’s hard to accept sometimes.
Dan keeps saying that he hopes all of this house stuff goes smoothly and we end up with the one we want, etc. All I can think is that I’d gladly keep living in a little apartment if it would mean that this cycle would work. Sure, I think it’s fabulous that we can finally buy a house, but I’d give it up in a heartbeat if I could finally have my long awaited for baby.
Man, I’m depressing today. Maybe devouring my newly purchased bag of mega peanut M&Ms will help cheer me up. Dan will be home from New Orleans this afternoon, and I know that will definitely help. All of this crap can just be tough at times, ya know?
Happy Blogiversary to Me April 19, 2006
Two years ago today I started this blog. Wow, has a lot happened in those two years. If you had told me two years ago when I started this blog that I still be in the trenches then I think I would have lost it. Good thing we get to take this crap one step at a time.
When I started this blog I really had no idea in which direction it would go. It didn’t take long for it to go in the infertility direction. My first post written on the topic started with this paragraph.
What do you what to be when you grow up? I think I’ve pretty much always known – a mom. Sure, I think I could have done a number of things, but I know in my heart I was meant to be a mom. I want to have a family with my amazing husband. Well, as things turn out, you can’t always get what you want and certainly not when you want it.
I still feel that way. This crap can’t change that feeling that I have deep down. That was written before Dan had even had his first surgery. We didn’t even know then that we’d be doing IVF for sure. Good thing I had a realistic outlook about it from the get go. From that same post:
My husband’s surgery is scheduled for this Tuesday, the 27th. I know we’re both really nervous about it, but it will give us some really important information. It will let us know whether the Dr. will be able to attempt a complicated reconstructive surgery to fix the situation or whether our next step will be IVF. We’re hoping for reconstructive surgery for a few reasons: it will most likely be covered be insurance (IVF won’t be) and if it’s successful, that will be the end of things. With IVF, we’ll have to have multiple procedures to have more than one child. Plus, unlike many people believe, IVF isn’t a sure shot. Some people aren’t successful at all with it, and many people take multiple times for it to produce a viable pregnancy. Plus, there’s the whole money thing. $15-20,000 a pop is a lot of money.
Ok, the $ thing makes me laugh now knowing that I was freaking over the cost of one cycle. I’m just so glad that I really understood the odds with IVF even before we started. Not that it really helps now, but it’s nice to know I never went into it expecting things to go easily.
So, from there we had Dan’s biopsy and then a few months later his second surgery, the reconstructive attempt that failed. That then led into our four fresh cycles and two FETs, and now a third. That’s a lot to pack into two years.
I wonder how I will feel when I get off of this roller coaster (or when I’m forced off). I don’t know. I have no clue what I’ll be writing about on my third blogiversary. Do I expect to have a kid by then? Nope. I can’t expect that anymore. I hope I will, but I don’t expect it.
Ok, so this didn’t turn out to be such a happy post for my “Happy Blogiversary.” What can I say? I’m on Lupron. Seriously, though, just knowing that I’ve made it through these two years (and almost 2.5 of dealing with IF before I started blogging) in one piece feels like quite an accomplishment to me. I can be happy that I’ve made it this far. I just know that without this blog, and without all of my blogging friends, I wouldn’t have. So, thank you all. You all are what makes this a happy blogiversary for me.
Weekend Wrap-Up April 16, 2006
Where to begin. This was a pretty darn busy weekend. Well, I guess we’ll start with the obvious: I survived the due date. I was hoping the build up to the day would be the hardest part, but the actual day was really tough for me. I do have to say, though, that I’m feeling a lot better now that I’ve gotten through it and am now on the other side of it.
We had quite a wake up call on the drive over when we barely managed to avoid being part of a multiple car pile up on the interstate. We watched it all happen right in front of us, but Dan managed to slam on the brakes in time to avoid adding to the pile. I think there ended up being five or six cars involved, and one ended up pointing in the wrong direction. Scary stuff.
We did a ton of neighborhood cruising in Houston, and I think it was a pretty successful trip in that regards. We definitely narrowed down the neighborhoods/areas of town that we’re interested in looking in. The whole home buying process is completely overwhelming to me, but I’m sure we’ll manage to get through it.
I went to my first ever acupuncture appointment on Friday. I have to admit that I liked it. They did the electro acupuncture stuff on me to help with blood flow to the uterus, and that was quite interesting. I could have done without people staring at my tounge and asking me questions about my bowels, but whatever. I guess that comes with the package.
Things are beginning to progress a little on the cycling front. My period showed today so that means I’ll get to start patches and reduce my Lupron dose on Tuesday. I cannot wait to get some estrogen into my system again. This Lupron is doing me in.
So, I guess that’s the weekend in a nutshell. It definitely wasn’t as I had planned, but it ending up being ok overall.
The Best Laid Plans April 13, 2006
I knew it was going to be important for me to do two things tomorrow: spend lots of time with Dan and have some fun distractions planned. (I’m sure I don’t need to repeat it since I’ve been a blogging fool about it, but tomorrow is my would have been/could have been due date.) So, I decided that this weekend would be a good time to make a trip over to Houston to scout out neighborhoods for when we move back in August. Dan has the day off tomorrow, so the timing worked out well.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before on my blog before, but we’re planning on buying our first house when we move back. We’ve lived in apartments for way too long, over 10 years now, so it’s definitely time. We’re excited about it, and I thought it would be nice to be able to use tomorrow as the day we start the process. Focusing on good things to come sounded like a nice distraction to me.
In addition to the neighborhood scouting, I thought some shopping (I’m in dire need of new sandals) would be fun, too. I also scheduled my first ever acupuncture appointment for tomorrow. That decision probably deserves its own post since I’m completely and totally a western medicine gal. I mean, I’m finally relenting on cycle #7.
Here’s the short version. The reason that I decided to do it this cycle is because my lining tends to be stubborn on FETs, and I have no desire to have to go through this never ending suppression again if I happened to get canceled. So, it’s really not a “I hope that if I add in this additional component that I’ll magically have a successful cycle” thing. It’s more of a “I really don’t want to have to go through this shit again or transfer embryos with a sub par lining” sort of thing.
Back to the subject at hand. Like I said, I’ve been planning all of this for a long time and have been looking forward to it. I booked us a nice hotel for tomorrow night and everything.
You know that things can’t ever go smoothly, though. Monday we found out that my in-laws had planned (and I use the term “planned” loosely) a last minute trip out this way. They’re going to be flying into Houston late tonight and will be there while we’re there and then will be coming over here on Saturday, the day we are also returning.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like my in-laws. Dan doesn’t get to see his parents very much since they live across the country, so it’s good that he’ll get to spend time with them. However, this puts a major wrench in my plans. It was so very important for me to spend tomorrow with Dan. Just Dan. It’s a private day for us. I needed for it to be that way.
Now it’s not going to be. I’m sure we’ll be spending a good deal of the day tomorrow with them so instead of being able to be sad if I need to, I’ll have to put on a happy face.
Of course I’m sure my in-laws don’t remember what tomorrow is for us. It’s just so frustrating to be planning this entire thing and now it’s not going to be how I imagined. I know I just need to suck it up, but it’s hard.
Hopefully just venting about it will help. I’m taking a risk by doing so, because I know that both my MIL and FIL have found my blog in the past independently of each other. They were both asked to evacuate the premises for the sake of my privacy. I guess we’ll find out if that’s happened. Or not, I don’t know.
I just hope tomorrow goes ok. I imagine the build up to the day might very well be harder than the actual day, but I could be wrong. I guess we’ll find out.
I Don’t Get It March 30, 2006
I don’t think I will ever be able to understand the unfairness in this infertility world. It’s just not possible to comprehend. Why, oh why would the universe be so cruel to Julianna? I know there are no answers. I hate that.
There are some people I’ve met while going through all of this IVF stuff who hold a special place in my heart. Julianna is most definitely one of them. She’s always been there for me. I wish I could do more to be there for her while she’s going through hell. That’s what it is. Pure hell.
I truly wanted this for her as much as I do for myself. It’s killing me that it didn’t work out for her. I fucking hate the universe for this.
I’m so very sorry my sweet Julianna. So sorry.
Big Easy Photo Album March 12, 2006
I wanted to take more pictures in New Orleans than I actually did, but since most of my out and about time was done solo, I didn’t always feel comfortable whipping out my camera and writing tourist across my forehead. Not that it’s not safe to go out by yourself during the day, but it is a big city and things have changed since Katrina.
The damage around the city wasn’t hard to find. (All pictures are clickable to enlarge.)
Here’s a building with significant damage that I snapped a picture of on the way out of town.
This is a blurry shot of a totally blown over billboard taken while we were driving on the interstate.
Blown out windows were a common sight.
Fencing down along the side of the road.
Piles of debris along side a building. Proof that there is still much work to be done.
This high rise with massive window damage is right by the Superdome.
Speaking of the Superdome, here’s a shot of that infamous building. It’s scheduled to reopen in late September.
A refrigerator thrown out on the curb, a common site after a major hurricane. In Lake Charles after Rita they took all of the discarded refrigerators all to one location. It was quite a sight to see such a massive fridge graveyard.
I don’t know if anyone remembers the reports of fire in the French Quarter in the aftermath of Katrina, but here’s where that building used to be. It was right across the street from the hotel we stayed at.
The streets of the French Quarter were so empty in places that it was eery.
This photo speaks volumes to me. An entirely empty section of Cafe Du Monde with members of the waitstaff sitting in the background. I never thought I’d ever see that place not buzzing and overfilling with customers.
It wasn’t all depressing. Beignets and hot chocolate from Cafe Du Monde can put a smile on just about anyone’s face.
All I can say is YUM!
The Saint Louis Cathedral was just as beautiful as ever as we strolled past it after our beignet feast.
The sight of this gorgeous arrangement of roses inside our hotel lobby was a nice little pick me up every day. I loved looking at them because they reminded me so much of the roses we used in our wedding.
This shot taken from our hotel room was a nice reminder that rebuilding is taking place and progress is being made.
After seeing what New Orleans looks like six months after Katrina, I can only imagine what it looked like immediately afterwards. It truly is humbling. New Orleans will rebuild, though. People down here are tough. I’m sure it won’t ever truly be the same, but I’m looking forward to a time when the streets are bustling with people and music once again.
Putting Things Back Into Perspective March 9, 2006
I remember the feelings I had when Hurricane Katrina hit over six months ago and then again when Rita hit. Katrina hit New Orleans and the surrounding areas between the time that I found out on ultrasound that things were over with my pregnancy and the time that I physically miscarried. It was such a difficult time, but the aftermath of the storm gave me perspective. It all just hit so close to home. Rita hit even closer to home since it affected my family directly.
I got the same overwhelming feeling driving into New Orleans on Monday that I did the first time we drove into post Rita Lake Charles. The feeling of loss was just palpable. It’s so hard to see that damage firsthand.
New Orleans is definitely different now. I mean, how could it not be? A lot of things struck me about how things look now, but a major one was the lack of people. It’s not like the city is empty, but I’m so used to the crowds of New Orleans that it just felt weird there this week. It was eery.
It’s sad to see how many places are still closed. Those local business make their livings off of tourists, and it’s sad that that’s not happening right now.
Last night we walked down into the French Quarter and walked by Jackson Square and the Cathedral to get to the restaurant we were going to eat at. It just felt empty. Usually there are a bunch of artists in that area and many street performers ranging from musicians to mimes. There was not a single one there yesterday evening. Not one.
I did try to have a good time while I was there, though. I ate a lot of yummy food. You have to do that in New Orleans, ya know. Unfortunately I got sick from some Mahi Mahi on Monday night and wished I was dead, but I made up for it the rest of the trip. I skipped lunch on Tuesday in an attempt to recover from the night before and played it safe with some chicken for dinner but feasted on some fabulous chocolate hazelnut mousse for dessert. Yesterday was a magnificent food day consisting of a fried oyster poboy for lunch and gumbo for dinner followed by the heavenly beignets from Cafe Du Monde for dessert. I had been drooling over the thought of those beignets since I found out we were going to NO, and they didn’t disappoint. Those are always a highlight of any New Orleans trip.
After dinner last night we stumbled upon the shooting of Deja Vu. We already knew that Denzel Washington was staying in our hotel (although we didn’t ever get to see him) because he was making a movie in town, and we found it. We didn’t get to see much movie action, because they were restricting the area some, but we did get to watch a helicopter that they were obviously filming sweep down and around the Cathedral over and over again.
Also, on Tuesday I managed to come back into the hotel at the same time as the entire Hornets professional basketball team. I’ve always felt short with my 5′3″ frame, but stepping into an elevator filled with pro b-ball players made me feel teeny tiny.
I managed to do a little shopping, although a lot of stores still hadn’t reopened, and I walked down and spent an entire afternoon at the D-Day museum. It was great.
You know, I didn’t use this trip as a way to escape infertility for a few days. I still read blogs and posted on my boards. I even brought one of my adoption books along. I didn’t need to escape that.
I did need to put in all in perspective, though. There were people, including one of the judge’s former clerks who we ran into in the lobby, who are living at the hotel we stayed in, and I’m sure in hotels around the city. That’s their home now because they lost absolutely everything in the hurricane. Can you imagine that? And think about all of the people who aren’t fortunate enough to be able to afford to live in a hotel, people who cannot afford to return to their hometown. It’s all very sad.
We didn’t venture into the hardest hit areas of the city, but I saw enough to really leave an impact on me. It all served as a reminder to appreciate what I have and not to constantly focus on what I don’t.
The Other Half Hurts, Too January 10, 2006
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that our partners in crime in all of this infertility/IVF stuff have a hard time with it all, too. I mean, it’s the woman who is sticking herself with needles, flooding her body with hormones, having a majorly long needle stuck in her nether regions come retrieval day, etc. We are not the only ones dealing with the emotional aspects of all of this, though.
I think, generally speaking, that men are just quieter about all of this stuff. They don’t talk about it all the time like we women tend to do. When you add up all the time I spend blabbing about this stuff on message boards, on my blog, in the comment sections of other blogs, out loud to my husband and others, you could say that I’m talking about this stuff all the time.
My husband’s not like that. He doesn’t post on IVFC or post about IF or IVF on his blog or gab to his friends about this stuff. And when we talk about it together, I’m sure I’m the one monopolozing the converstation.
It doesn’t mean he’s not dealing with it on a daily basis just like I am, though. I know he is. This crap affects him, too.
Last night Dan came home from work in a grumpy mood. I mean, the man was so damn grumpy. I gave him a hug and started in on the “what’s wrong” questions. Is it work? Is it us? Is it etc, etc? No, no, no, he replied. And then I asked if it was the IVF stuff. Bingo.
It turns out that he had received an email from one of his good friends from law school. In the email, the friend discussed his child and child to be. This obviously got to my husband. It would have gotten to me, too.
I know it’s hard on Dan to think about his two best friends from law school. One has five children. Yes, 5. The fourth one was an oopsie baby, and the fifth one was really an oopsie baby. The fifth was conceived after his friend had a vasectomy.
Dan’s other best friend from law school, the one who sent the email yesterday, is in an uber fertile relationship, too. You see, he was married while they were in law school, albeit unhappily. He met someone else, knocked her up (the oopsie baby trend continues) and got divorced from the other chick. He and his new wife are now expecting their second.
Both of his friends know all about the infertility and IVF stuff. They’ve been supportive, but I know it’s got to be hard for my husband to watch how their lives are turning out reproductively speaking while we spin away on the IVF hamster wheel for what feels like forever.
Honey, I know that you’re not as vocal about all of this stuff as I am, but I know that it’s so damn hard for you, too. I’m sorry, and I love you.
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