If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another May 18, 2005
You’d think yesterday would been enough to deal with for one week. Oh, no. The universe just couldn’t stop there.
This morning my husband went off to work like he usually does, or so I thought. He came back rather quickly, though. The stupid car battery was dead. Oh, the joys of having only one car. Gotta love the fact that we can’t buy a second one, because we’re pouring all of our money into this failing IVF venture.
Anyway, we had to find someone to jump start the stupid thing, and then all I could do was sit here hoping that my husband would make it to the auto parts store. Thankfully he did, and a little while ago I got a message from him that “Operation New Battery” was complete. I’m glad he made it, but what a pain.
Another current pain in my ass in “Operation Obtain Records.” Apparently getting my records from my RE’s office is like pulling teeth. I’ve been requesting these records forever. I need them for my consult on Friday. First I was told that they would be ready for me to pick up on the day of transfer. Didn’t happen. Then I was told that they would be mailed out mid week of last week. Didn’t happen. Then after much hounding on my part I was told they would be mailed out Friday at the latest. Well, I still haven’t gotten them.
I called today to find out what the hell was going on, and got put on hold for 20 minutes. AAAAACK! My brain’s about to explode. I cannot wait to get the hell out of there.
Can anything be easy? Even just a little? I’ve never asked for the easy way out of this crap. Never. I never expected this IVF stuff to work on the first try. I never thought that we wouldn’t have to sacrifice financially, physically, and emotionally. I just don’t get why we seem to have to travel the hardest path possible.
On a totally unrelated note, thank you. Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday. Not one of you said anything along the lines of “just wait for beta” or “you never know” or “maybe you just tested too early.” Thank you for that. I just can’t handle that shit right now.
And if anyone’s wondering, no, I didn’t pee on another damn stick this morning. I just couldn’t face another lone line again today. This is hard enough without that.
This Is Harder Than I Expected December 23, 2004
It’s not like I haven’t been down the failed IVF road before, but I didn’t expect this time to be this hard. It wasn’t initially. I had an easier time with the negative HPTs and beta this time around. Don’t ask me why, but I did. The aftermath, however, is a different story.
I’m feeling like shit. I guess it’s to be expected since the hell that is the post failed IVF period is currently upon me. Man, it sucks. I can’t wait for it to be over. I’m sure the fact that I’m eating ice cream all day long isn’t helping things either. I’ve been working out every day this week, but I’m sure it’s not enough to combat the amount of ice cream that has entered my body.
Besides feeling like crap physically, I’m having a tough time emotionally. I’m sure part of that has to do with the fact that all of this is happening pre-Christmas. It’s not a particularly good time to go through this, but I guess there never really is.
It’s harder this time because I’m staring down the road at another fresh cycle. Last time I knew that we could do a FET with our frozen embryos. Not that a FET is a walk in the park, especially when Lupron’s involved, but this is different. It’s just so much more expensive. The financial part of all of this is tough. It’s tough to spend that kind of money when you know perfectly well that you may have nothing other than a broken heart to show for it.
I hate that I’m feeling bitter, but I am. It hurts to read about all of the recent pregnancies out there. Not that I’m not happy for all of my friends in blogland and on message boards, but it’s just another reminder that it’s not me. I don’t want to be jealous when I see moms out walking with their little ones in strollers or get pissed when I get those Christmas family photos in the mail, but I just can’t help it.
I’m really not looking forward to going to my parent’s house on Sunday. It’s going to be so hard to see the rugrats (ie. my parent’s great-nephews) reveling in the whole Christmas thing. It’s also hard, because as much as my family loves me, they just don’t get it. How could they? They haven’t been through this IVF hell. I know that no effort will be made to keep the focus anywhere but on the little guys. That’s just how it always is, and it’s going to be especially tough this trip.
I know that I will survive Christmas. I know that I will survive this next IVF, but damn it, this is so fucking hard.
“It’s a Menstrual Miracle” December 22, 2004
Those were the exact words that I uttered to my husband this morning. My period finally showed, taking a mere 7.5 days after my last PIO injection. I have directed the period fairy to make a beeline for those in need, but I don’t think she takes directions well. I did my best, girls.
So, I get to start birth control pills on Christmas Eve. What a fantastic Christmas present. Speaking of presents, I am so not into all of that this year. I have no desire to do the whole gift opening thing. Santa screwed me over on the only thing I wanted, so what’s the point. Yesterday my brother called me to ask what my husband and I wanted or needed for Christmas (leave it to the men to wait til the last minute). My reply was, “Either 15K or a baby, whichever you come across first.” Not so tactful an answer, but what the hell.
At least I get to start preparing for round three instead of constantly looking back on this failed cycle. It’s a small consolation, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.
Has Anyone Seen My Period? December 21, 2004
Seriously. The darn thing is missing. My last PIO injection was Tuesday night. That’s right, a week ago. After my fresh cycle, I got my period four days after my last PIO. Obviously that didn’t happen this time. I’m definitely ready for it to show up. Until then I am still in the midst of this failed cycle. Once it shows, I can start birth control pills on day 3 and get started on this next cycle.
Speaking of PIOs, my left glute is still tremendously sore. I can’t lay on that side. I can’t lean up against anything with that side. Hell, I can’t even touch that side. I figure things will finally settle down in the soreness department just in time to start the darn PIO torture once again.
So, I guess I’m in limbo, both cycle wise and Christmas wise. I’m still not totally sure what to do about the whole Christmas situation, but I guess we’ve come up with what’s going to happen. We’re going to stay in town for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and just enjoy each other’s company. No Christmasy stuff, just hanging out. We’ll then go to my parent’s the day after Christmas for a few hours. It’s only a 2.5 hour drive each way, so it won’t be too bad. I really don’t even want to make the trip at all, but I know that would cause all kind of trouble. So, we’ll bubble wrap our hearts and make the trip. It’s definitely not what I would have chosen to do for Christmas, but then again I wouldn’t have chosen to have my heart broken, either.
Eyeing the Valium December 17, 2004
I feel like crap. My hormones are crashing, and I’m experiencing some hard core PMS. Thankfully there’s a Valium hiding within my IVF drug stash begging to be taken. You see, since I had my transfer done under anesthesia this time I couldn’t take the Valium. This is very convenient for the aftermath of the BFN. The Valium didn’t do much for me during my first transfer, but hopefully it will take the edge off of my cramps from hell and overall shitty mood. We shall see.
0-2 December 15, 2004
It’s official. My beta was negative. Again. Fuck. I knew it was coming, but it still sucks so damn much.
We’ve still got some fight left in us, though. I’ll be starting birth control pills again once my period shows up in order to do another fresh cycle. Is this what I hoped for when I started on this IVF roller coaster? Hell no, but I’m not ready to move on. We’re not ready to move on. We’ve got to try again. Sure, my checkbook is trembling away, my body is dreading the torture, and my heart is so fragile after being broken yet again, but I just can’t give up right now.
So, it looks like the IVF saga of Manana Banana will have at least one more chapter. Who knows if or when it will ever have a happy ending, but the hope that it might one day is enough for me to keep trying, at least one more time.
I want to thank all of you, my blogging friends, for your kind words. Knowing that a lot you guys have been through this and so much more helps to remind me that I have the strength to keep going, too. Thanks for the inspiration.
Fuck You Fortune Cookie December 13, 2004
Saturday my husband and I went out for Chinese. When we were done eating I opened up my fortune cookie and found the following fortune:
Your trouble will cease & fortune will smile upon you.
I was so excited. I just knew it had to be a sign. I even saved the damn thing. I never save those things.
Well, I broke out the FREDs yesterday morning, and you guessed it, I had one fucking line staring back at me yet again. I guess you must have to ask for the special two lined version from the back of the store or something, because I keep getting the not so good one lined ones. I tested again this morning (10dp5dt) and of course it was negative again. I didn’t expect anything different.
I didn’t blog about this yesterday, because I really couldn’t here stuff like “You never really know until beta.” Trust me, if I haven’t gotten a positive by this point, I’m not going to. I’ve walked this road before. But, I decided I owed it to all my blogging friends who have been there for me through all of this and to myself to get all this out there.
I know that rarely in similar circumstances there are miracles that occur. I’ve heard of the people who never got a positive HPT even after their positive beta, and I’ve heard of the people who started out with a super low beta and are holding their little ones right now. That kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me, though.
I really don’t get why we’re so unlucky. We’ve transferred five excellent quality blasts (2 last time and 3 this time) with nothing to show for it. We’ve put ourselves through so much and nada.
So, it’s out there now. I’m going to ask you guys a favor if you don’t mind. Please don’t get my hopes up. I have zero hope for this cycle, and that’s how it needs to be. It makes for a softer landing. I will go in for my beta on Wednesday even though I know I’m not going to like the resulting phone call. I’m not asking for you to give up hope. I know how much harder it is to give up hope for someone else than it is for yourself. At least it always is for me. So, hope all you want, just keep it a secret from me, ok? I really do love you guys for hoping when I can’t, but I’m already starting to accept the outcome of this cycle, and I need not to backtrack in that process. I need to start healing and start moving on.
I really am pissed at that damn fortune. I think I’m going to burn it.
Flip Flopping December 10, 2004
I’m suffering from a major case of “I want to know right now/I never want to know” syndrome. One minute I think it’s going to take a safe or something to keep me from the HPTs, and the next minute I’m ready to throw them out. I really do want to know if this worked. I just don’t want to find out that it didn’t.
I’m just really afraid to get that negative again. I’m afraid to feel that sad again. I’m afraid of the thought of doing IVF yet again.
There’s seems to be a lot of people getting pregnant all around me right now, in the blogworld, the message board world, the “real” world. I guess some people would look at that as a good sign, but I’m having trouble doing that. All I can think is that there’s no way
that luck will continue for me.
This is hard. It doesn’t help that I’m jacked up on hormones. I guess one of these days I’m going to have to face the music and find out my fate. The thought of another failure is looming over me big time, but that teeny tiny voice inside me that pops up every great once in a while to remind me that there is a chance, even if it’s a small one, that this could have worked is enough to get me to face this head on.
6 Days Down, 6 Days to Go December 9, 2004
I’ve survived half of the wait between transfer and beta, but I know the second half will be much tougher. I’m starting to get a little antsy. I just want to know. Is that really too much to ask? I had fleeting moments of hope during the first few days following transfer, but not so much now. I want this to work so badly, but really what are the chances? Statistically we know that they’re not fabulous. Less than 50% to be sure, but that’s not taking into account the luck factor. You can add a big fat zero to that part of the equation. That’s got to bring down our odds significantly.
I’ve been feeling like total crap the past few days. I wanted to blog yesterday, but I just couldn’t. I kept having to go lay down throughout the day. This progesterone is really kicking my ass. This big FET worthy dose of PIO is just bringing me down. I’m so beyond tired that’s it’s unbelievable.
Of course I’m all up for feeling like total crap if it means anything, but we all know that “symptoms” during the two week wait are total bullshit. I hate not being able to trust my body.
Last night my husband and I had a quick HPT conversation that went a little like this:
Him: “So, when are you breaking out the FREDs?”
Me: “Wednesday.”
Him: “Today’s Wednesday.”
Me: “Next Wednesday. Beta day.”
Him: *confused look crosses over face*
Me: “I’m not telling you, because I don’t want to ruin your birthday.” (His bday is next Tuesday.)
Him: “Do you really think you’ll be able to test without me being able to tell how it went?”
I guess he’s got a point. I’m definitely not waiting until beta day. I need some time to prepare for that. It sucks, though, that I could very well be bringing a huge damper on the whole birthday situation. I mean, who wants to celebrate a birthday when you’ve just received horrible news. I guess I could look at the flipside, but that’s hard for me to imagine. Who knows when I’ll be breaking out the HPTs, and who knows whether they’ll make for one hell of a birthday present or not. I sure wish I knew.
Where’s the Fun One? December 6, 2004
Now that I’ve been on PIO for a full week, the side effects are kicking into high gear. I’m experiencing most of the same ones as last time (sleepiness, excessive hunger, cramping, peeing at all hours of the day) but for some reason I’m missing out on my favorite from last cycle: boobs. That was the only side effect I thought was fun, and somehow it’s just not happening this time.
My nose seems to be getting a little bit better, both in terms of frequency of incidence and intensity of pain. I’ll be glad when it decides to stop it all together.
What’s Up With My Nose? December 5, 2004
I seem to be experiencing some weird side effect. My nostril/nasal passage, or whatever you want to call it, is driving me crazy. I’m having intermittent pain just on the right side. It’s like a weird burning sensation. I thought that it could be from the anesthesia, since it started during the ride home from my transfer. I’m not sure that theory holds, however, because it’s still happening. Maybe it’s from the Medrol or something. Who knows. All I know is that it better stop soon. I really have no idea why I always seemed blessed with a plethora of side effects. I also had some spotting on Friday and a little yesterday. My RE said to expect that, though, because of all of the poking and prodding that was required to get my cervix to cooperate.
I started my double dosed PIO on Friday night. Man, that’s a lot to inject. Not only is this more likely to make me extremely sore, the shot itself is a lot worse. The only way I’ve been getting through them is to sing while my husband injects the oil into my flesh. I know, I’m weird. I either sing a Christmas song. Yep, I’m a Christmas geek. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, although it’s yet to be seen whether or not this Christmas will be holly and jolly. Anyway, I either do that or sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” Now, before you think I’ve totally gone off my rocker, I got that from Heathers. I watched that movie so many time during my high school years that I knew all of the lines. There’s a scene in that movie where Winona Ryder is sitting in her car in the school parking lot while Christian Slater is telling her something she doesn’t want to hear. I can’t remember exactly, but probably that he killed the gay football players or something of that nature. So, Winona, aka Heather, puts her hands on her ears and starts to sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” I do that, too, from time to time when I’m trying to block out something.
While I’m on the PIO tangent, I’m going to throw out my PIO PSA. I’ve said this before on my blog, but I think it was in the comments section. A lot of people are prescribed the 50mg/mL version of PIO. Well, it also comes in a 100mg/mL variety which obviously means that you can inject half the amount of oil while getting the same amount of progesterone. I’m sure a lot of people know this, but if I can save even one IVFer’s ass then I feel it’s worth mentioning again.
So, two days down, ten more to go. I’m not going crazy yet, but I’m sure I will be before too long. I went out and bought the most essential two week wait item today: FREDs. I won’t be testing for at least a week, but it’s good to know they’re here when I need them. One good thing about doing a FET is that you don’t have to worry about the whole trigger/false positive thing. So, I’ll definitely be breaking out the FREDs at some point.
Hallelujah December 3, 2004
Before I get to the full report, I just want to thank everyone for their kind comments and good thoughts on my behalf. You guys are the best.
Now, for the nitty gritty. My FET went much better than I expected. Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. (I digress. I guess I’m just in a good mood.) Anyway, no one ever called to tell me that our embryos had arrested, so off my husband and I went to my RE’s office this morning. Once we got there and paid the extra $500 for the anesthesiologist, we were taken back. The first thing I said to the nurse was, “I’m assuming that since you’re giving me this nice getup to change into that at least one of our embryos survived the thaw.” She replied that she didn’t know the details but assured me that we had something to transfer.
After I got into my lovely gown, hat, and booties I got to go into the prep room. Apparently the blood pressure machine thought I was dead, because it kept getting extremely low readings. I then asked my IVF coordinator if she had good news for me, and she went to check with the embryologist. She came back and reported that all three of our blasts had survived the thaw and that none of them had decreased in terms of grading. All three were still grade 5 (the highest). Music to my ears, I tell ya.
The anesthesiologist finally showed up and proceeded to torture me. Apparently he picked the same vein as the previous anesthesiologist had for my ER back in September. The wall of the vein was very thick, and he tremendous trouble getting that darn IV in. Talk about being ouch worthy. I think I managed to only cuss a couple of times, though. That was finally finished, and we were all ready to head into the transfer room. At the very last minute we were told that my husband was not going to be allowed in even though I had previously been told that he would. Of course being the hormonally ramped up girl that I am, I started crying. I really wanted him to be able to see the embryos go in even if I couldn’t. I think mostly I was upset because they hit us with it at the last moment.
I gave my hubby a hug and a kiss and headed into the transfer room. I had the nurse check my lining really quickly before the anesthesiologist started his thing, and it looked good. Then I was out. I don’t remember a thing about the ET, but that’s probably a good thing. I got the full report after I had come to a little bit. My RE tried several different catheters, but my cervix was being a major pain just like last time, so she dilated my cervix. She also had to fill up my bladder since I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink past midnight. The oh so fun tenaculum was involved in there somewhere, and once I was dilated she was able to get the hard catheter in and slip the soft catheter containing the embryos right on in there with no problem. So, I had three beautiful blasts transferred.
I can’t even begin to describe how relieved I feel right now. I am so glad that all of our blasts survived the thaw and so glad that my transfer was not nearly as traumatic as last time. I’m thrilled that the catheter containing our embryos was only inserted once this time. The fact that it was inserted and removed multiple times during our last transfer still haunts me. So, I guess I could not have asked for a better day. My beta is scheduled for 12/15. Only 12 more days to obsess about this cycle. I know that the result may be no different from last time, but I feel so much better about how things went this time around. That’s gotta count for something.
Can Someone Just Please Knock Me Out?
I can’t sleep. I’ve been awake since 5:30, and that was after a very restless night’s sleep. The alarm isn’t going off for another hour, but I couldn’t stand to just lie in bed anymore. So, I decided to take some solace in my beloved internet.
I am so nervous about today. I keep wondering when exactly they would call me if none of our embryos survived the thaw. I doubt it would be this early. The waiting is excruciating.
I think it’s quite ironic that I received my first piece of spam email in my gmail account today. Oh, I get plenty of spam in my other accounts, but so far I had eluded the spammers with my gmail account. Want to know the title of the email? “Save on your Vicodin now.” The text of the email included: “You need Vicodin? No need to wait any longer!” My first thought was, “Yes, please. Can I have some right this instant?” I am beyond thankful that I will be getting some good IV drugs today. Well, that’s assuming that our embryos make it to transfer.
You know what’s sad? It’s really sad that anytime I type “IV” I end up typing “IVF” and have to delete the “F.” Anyway, I’m going to go try to keep occupied on the internet until the alarm finally goes off. I hope my next post is a tad more cheerful.
At Least It’s Even December 1, 2004
Well, I’ve now survived my first two PIO injections of this cycle, so now at least my soreness is even. I’ve given thought to just using one side to do all of the PIOs so I would at least have one non-sore side, but I figured I’d probably end up dragging one leg behind me all the time if I took that route. I really don’t know what my deal is with the soreness. I do all the PIO tricks, but they don’t really help. Well, I guess I don’t know that. I guess it could be even worse if I didn’t do the heating, massaging, etc. It’s ok, though. After last weeks lining issue, I’m just glad to have made it to this point. Now ask me again in a couple days after I’ve doubled my dose, and I might have a different outlook on all of this.
I’m starting to get really nervous about the thaw rate. I can’t even imagine going through all of this and then having nothing to transfer. I’m also nervous about my transfer. Assuming at least one of our blasts survives the thaw, then my body will have to be tortured once again during transfer. At least I’ll be sedated. Hopefully heavily. It still concerns me, though, because very difficult transfers tend to result in lower success rates. I only have two more days to worry, though, so that’s a good thing.
Oh, and I have a technical note to throw out there. A couple of people have let me know that they could not comment on my last post. I tried it, and it let me, but who knows what’s up with Blogger. Hopefully the problem is solved, because hearing from you wonderful women keeps me sane.
Even Scrooge Can Have a Good Day November 29, 2004
I have to admit I was tremendously grumpy and cranky during my family visit over the Thanksgiving holiday. I realized that I am feeling bitter a lot these days. I really didn’t feel like feeling all thankful and stuff this weekend (although I am keenly aware of all that I have to be thankful for). I’m tired, both physically and emotionally, of all this IVF crap. I really wasn’t up to hearing my brother complain about some tiny dentist bill while I sat there and mentally tallied up all that we’ve spent this year in the medical bill department and worried about repeating the same next year. I also wasn’t up for the 24/7 reminder that people who shouldn’t have kids do all the time that came with spending the holiday surrounded by my parent’s great-nephews (although they sure are a couple of cuties). It was good to spend time with my family, but it was a tough holiday.
Today, however, I have shed my grumpiness. My lining measured 8.9mm at my ultrasound this morning. Yay! I didn’t even care that I had to wait a year and a day to get called back. After my ultrasound I talked to my IVF coordinator about when my FET would be. Originally she said that they had scheduled it for next Monday, because apparently the lab doesn’t handle the FET stuff on the weekends. I’m really getting impatient these days, so I asked if I could just start my PIO today so we could do my ET on Friday. She left to check with the lab, and when she came back she said, “You got it.” So, my ET is scheduled for Friday at 10am. I’m done with the Lupron (hurray!) and start PIO tonight. I even got her to prescribe me some antibiotics so I don’t have to be paranoid about that situation. I am so glad that my lining decided to get itself in gear over the weekend. Now I can spend my time worrying about the next hurdle: having our embryos survive the thaw.
Shit November 24, 2004
My lining was only at 6 mm. It had to be 8. It had that lovely triple stripe thing going on, but it doesn’t matter because it was only 6. So, I have to continue on with the Estrace and Lupron and go back on Monday for another ultrasound. Best case scenario: my lining just needs some extra time and will be at least 8 mm by Monday, and my transfer will just be delayed five days. Worst case: I’m headed for the dreaded “C-word” ie. cancellation. I’m really not in the best of moods following this news, but hopefully my lining will get itself into gear and thicken up over the holiday weekend. It sure as hell better.
Standing My Ground November 23, 2004
As I’ve blogged about before, my husband and I have decided not to attend the big extended family Thanksgiving gathering this year. I told my mom a while back and thought I made myself clear about the whole situation. Well, when I talked to her on Sunday she asked, “Are you sure you won’t be going?” The question was asked in such a way that it was obvious that she was pulling the guilt trip thing on me. I wasn’t giving in this time, though. I replied, “Yes, I’m sure. It’s just too much this year.” I’m sorry, but the guilt thing is just not going to work this time. For once, I’m being selfish and protecting myself. I do feel a tad guilty, though. Not because of my mom, but because my husband will miss out on the Thanksgiving food that he finds so yummy. I could care less. I’m not really a fan of cranberry sauce, stuffing, pies, and such, but I know my husband’s a big fan of Turkey Day food. He’s reassured me, though, that he’s more than fine with the decision.
My brother emailed me today. He and his wife are bringing their beagle, Tucker, with them. He asked if I would mind walking the dog if we get to my parents house before the rest of the clan are back from the big shindig. I emailed him back to let him know that I wouldn’t mind. I then received a two page reply containing detailed instructions on how to walk Tucker including such items like how to clip the leash to the collar, what words I’m supposed to use before putting the leash on and while out on the walk, how to prevent Tucker from “walking” me instead of the other way around, how to give him a treat afterwards, what to do if he jumps on me, etc., etc. Holy crap. I’m just going to be taking the dog for a walk. Do I really need a two page manual on how to do that?
I really am looking forward to spending time with my family. I haven’t seen my two brothers in quite some time. It’s going to be interesting, though.
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On a totally different note, my paranoia is striking again. My RE does not prescribe antibiotics for FET cycles. It makes me nervous because I know a lot of people take them. I know one reason they’re prescribed is to prevent infection during ET, and since my ET could very likely involve jamming catheter upon catheter into my cervix, I’ve been wondering if I should ask to have some prescribed. So, for all of you experienced FETers, what do you think? Did you use antibiotics in your protocol and do you think I should ask about them?
Is It Wednesday Yet? November 22, 2004
I’m really not a patient person. I get very frustrated when I have to wait for something. This FET has been nothing but waiting, so I get antsy from time to time. My FET has been very similar to my fresh cycle in many ways, but there’s one difference that drives me crazy- monitoring. There’s virtually no monitoring in a FET. In a fresh cycle you get almost daily updates on how things are going in there. With a FET you get nada. I have no idea if my lining is doing what it’s supposed to. I really hope it’s cooperating but there’s no way to know until my date with the dildocam on Wednesday morning.
This waiting leads to a bit of paranoia for me. I’m a paranoid person to begin with, so it’s no surprise, but it’s still annoying. I’m the kind of person who has to double check that the door is locked and triple check that the oven is off. My worst habit is turning around to look at the apartment door to make sure no kitties have escaped to the outside world. I’ll literally turn around and look at the door 3-5 times while walking into the parking garage or down the stairs. I have good reason, but it’s still really OCD like behavior. When we lived in South Bend, Salvador managed to escape one time. I don’t know how we didn’t see him, but he went right through the door as we were coming in one day. Luckily the door to the apartment we lived in didn’t open right outside but to a common area shared by four apartments, so he wasn’t really outside. He finally scratched on the door loud enough for us to rescue him, but I think I was scarred for life from that point on. He, of course, was fine.
Anyway, back to the point. I had some Estrace left over from my fresh cycle that I had bought from Freedom Drug. For this FET I used that up first and then started on the Estrace I had gotten from the Target pharmacy. The pills are from different manufacturers and thus look different. I somehow convinced myself that the pills from Target were not really Estrace. I really thought that my cycle was doomed, because I was taking something other than Estrace. To be fair, I had a tiny reason to think this. When you fill a prescription at Target they give you a printout with various information including what the pill should look like. The description on my paper was different from what was in my prescription bottle. I called the pharmacy, and they double checked the main bottle and said it was correct. Nonetheless, this planted the seed for my later run in with craziness. My hubby came to my rescue, though. He found a picture on the internet of what the Estrace from that manufacturer should lo
ok like and calmed my paranoid fears. I now am focusing on something else to be paranoid over- whether or not our embryos will survive the thaw. There’s always something, isn’t there?
So, basically I’m going crazy from having to wait and wait some more. I’m really glad I’m in the home stretch now. Of course, even if I finally make it to transfer I’ll have to endure the dreaded two week wait.
Disclaimer: I fully admit that I am kooky, but I am not stressed out. So, no one use that darn “relax” word in the comment section, k?
It’s a Miracle November 19, 2004
My husband is on his way home from work right now and will not be going back until Tuesday the 30th. He’s actually taking a vacation, and he so deserves it. He’d been thinking about taking a few extra days off in addition to the two days he gets off for Thanksgiving, and it turns out that he’s actually going to be able to do it. The timing worked out really well. He called someone in the HR department to check on how many vacation days he has left, and he was told that it would probably be a good idea to take some time off. He’s been working at the firm since September of last year and has only taken three days of vacation. He can only roll over a certain number of vacation hours to next year, so he has a couple of days that he’ll lose if he doesn’t get out of the office.
This is a really good time for him to take time off. He’s been working so much lately that he really needs a break. Plus, it will work out well with the whole FET thing. He’ll be able to come with me to my ultrasound on Wednesday (he’s never been to one of those) and will be able to be away from work the entire day of my transfer (assuming everything goes as planned). This will be much better than last time when he had to run off to another state for a clerkship interview the day of my transfer. So, I get a week and a half of husband time. I couldn’t be more excited.
The Two Week Wait November 15, 2004
Of course the most notorious two week wait in an IVF cycle is the time between embryo transfer and the all important beta. However, I’m finding myself splitting this FET into a bunch of different two week waits. First there was the 2ww between starting Lupron and my baseline ultrasound. Then came the two weeks between starting Estrace and my lining check ultrasound (almost half way through this one). Today is the beginning of another 2ww. Assuming my lining’s doing what it’s supposed to, my transfer will be two weeks from today.
I guess it just helps to break this very long protocol into smaller, more manageable chunks of time. There have been several points along the way where I didn’t think I could make it through all of this. It doesn’t help that my FET protocol is over 7 weeks long from first birth control pill to transfer. I have to assume that since I made it through last week, which was literally one of the longest weeks ever, I can make it through the next 2 weeks. I’m actually feeling hopeful today. Not in the “I know this is going to work” sense but in the “I think I just might make it through this” sense.
After thinking about all of these two week waits that make up this FET in my mind, I’ve found that there’s one missing. The one that I’ve never experienced before: the 2ww between positive beta and ultrasound. I don’t know if I can wrap my brain around that one enough to actually think it could happen to me. Oh, how I wish it would, though.
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