No Big Surprise May 20, 2005
I just got the call. I’m officially 0-4. I didn’t even get to raise hell when I went in for beta this morning. Apparently both my RE and IVF coordinator decided to take the day off. More on that later, but I’m actually on my way out the door to go to my consult. I’m really interested to see what the new RE has to say about this mess. Should be interesting.
Seriously, I Can Take No More May 19, 2005
I really wanted to write a non bitchy post today. Guess it’s not going to happen. I’m so on the edge right now.
I finally got my records in the mail. However, they were not complete. There were several things missing including my endo biopsy reports. I called my RE’s office and spoke to the person who handles the records and was told that she had just assumed I already had those. Um, hello. I specially told her that I needed those. It was even written on the damn record request form.
That’s not the thing that’s pissing me off, though. When she went back through my chart she could only find the report for the beta 3 integrin biopsy. No report for a standard endo biopsy was anywhere to be found. When she asked for clarification on this, she was told that the standard biopsy was never performed. What the fuck? I was told that the result was normal. Did someone just lie to me about that? I sincerely hope she’s mistaken or I will be throwing a fit. A big one.
This conversation occurred at 8:00 this morning. I was told that my IVF coordinator would call me so we could talk about the situation. Now, more than 6 hours later, I have not received a call back.
Ok, I just called back since no one had called me. Apparently my IVF coordinator left for the day without returning my call. I’m raising hell tomorrow morning. Can you see why I’m so ready to be out of there?
FRED is also pissing me off. I broke another one out this morning and watched the stick for the full 10 minutes. Negative. No surprise. None at all, so I went back to bed. Of course, I had to look at the damn thing again after I got up an hour later. There was the faintest hint of a second line. It was colorless, undoubtably undetectable to the non infertile’s eye, and obviously showed up way beyond the time limit. Can we say evaporation line?
I know it’s an evap. I’ve had them before. I know it means NOTHING, but it’s just enough to fuck with my head.
I really could use a drink right now. My blood is just boiling thinking about how I am being treated by my clinic. It wasn’t always this way. When I was fresh meat I was treated very well. Now that I a four time loser, and they know I’m out of there after this cycle, I’m being treated like total shit. It just pisses me off to no end.
So, if anyone hears some major bitching and yelling tomorrow morning, that will be me. I cannot wait to get this beta over with so I can get the hell out of dodge. If I never set foot in that damn office again it will be too soon.
Sleepless Nights May 17, 2005
I’ve been awake since 3:30. It sucks to not be able to find sleep.
I caved this morning. FRED was as fucking snow white as he ever could be. I don’t know why I ever thought that there was a chance that wouldn’t be the case.
I’m 8dp6dt. It’s not too early. That’s my result. I’ve been through this shit before. I know how it works. Or doesn’t.
I wonder if I’ll ever know what it feels like to find success in this fucked up IVF world. It’s looking less and less likely.
I woke my husband up with my sobbing this morning. Now I’m just numb.
I need to start the grieving process for the fourth time. I can’t bear to hear “maybe it was too early” or “you never know until beta.” I just don’t think I could deal with that right now.
I really hope sleep finds me soon. It’s hard to sit here and listen to the thoughts in my head. So damn hard.
Feeling a Little Too Normal May 15, 2005
I always have “symptoms” during the 2ww. Of course they’re always hormone induced, but they’re always there. Let me list my “symptoms” this time around:
Umm… I’ve got nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have to say it’s very strange. No sore boobs, no cramps to speak of, no ravenous hunger, no bloating, nada. I’ve always had all of these things messing with me during the 2ww. What’s up this time around?
Well, I did get a cramp in my calf in the middle of the night last night. Does that count? It’s pretty sad when I’m forced to make up symptoms. If I didn’t have personal knowledge that I had just been through a FET cycle, there’s absolutely no way I could tell by how my body’s feeling. I just feel so freaking normal.
I did experience the lovely “having to pee at all hours of the day” and “I can’t get enough sleep” side effects earlier on during the 2ww, but they’ve tapered off. I guess my body’s just used to the progesterone now. If I wasn’t getting jabbed in the ass nightly, I swear I wouldn’t know I was being doped up with PIO either.
Now that I’ve actually vocalized this I’m sure I’ll be inundated with “symptoms.” I’m sure the never ending cramps are just around the corner.
Isn’t it fun how it’s possible to obsess over even the lack of symptoms? I’m just having a ball.
Look What I Got For My Birthday May 14, 2005
What could be more perfect for a girl in the 2ww than that? I actually sort of panicked at first, because it seems that there’s some kind of run on FREDs this weekend. It took trips to three different stores to finally find one that had any in stock. I won’t be breaking them out yet. That’s not how I want to spend my birthday or our upcoming anniversary. They won’t stand a chance after that, though.
So, another year older, another year… umm. I don’t know about wiser, but it’s definitely been quite a year. Tonight my hubby and I are going to see the Houston Ballet. I couldn’t think of a nicer way to spend my birthday.
It’s pretty damn obvious what I’m wishing for this year. Oh, man. Please let it come true.
Has It Really Only Been 4 Days? May 13, 2005
I can’t believe I’m only 4 days past transfer. Could time move more slowly? I highly doubt it. Hopefully things will move a tad more quickly this weekend.
This 2ww feels different. I don’t know if I feel different physically (I can never remember how I’ve felt from one 2ww to the next) or if I’m just in a different place emotionally. Either way, it’s different.
I guess I’m just handling this 2ww differently. I’m freaking out in ways I never have before while suppressing some of my different, more notorious freak out urges.
Even though I’ve got my second opinion consult scheduled, I’m not freaking out about Plan B right now. I know I totally did last cycle, and it wasn’t pretty. The time between transfer and beta is not a good time to be making important decisions, so I’m putting all of that on the back burner. Yes, I’ve got a back up plan in the sense that I’ve got that consult scheduled, but I’m not doing the whole “What the fuck are we going to do? Another fresh cycle? Adoption? Donor?” freak out thing this time around. It actually feels kind of strange not to be worrying about that.
I just know that my true feelings about the next step will come out on beta day. They always do. So, I guess there’s just no point in spinning my wheels about that stuff right now. Plus, it’s not like I don’t have enough other stuff to keep my mind reeling. Oh, the fun of the 2 week wait. Anyone got a time machine they could lend me?
Way Too Freakin Early May 12, 2005
This is getting ridiculous. What’s up with this insomnia? Every night since transfer I’ve been waking up around 3:30am to pee and then can’t go back to sleep. Same thing happened tonight. I tried to go back to sleep for an hour but finally had to get up. I’ve been out of bed for over half an hour and still feel like I’m nowhere near being able to go back to sleep. Thus my posting at 5:00. I’ve never had this kind of insomnia with any of my other cycles. I’m thinking this is going to get old fast.
I realize I’ve been just a tad on the psycho side the past couple of days. Evidence here and here. I think I’m going to try to chill the fuck out, though. Seriously, like I don’t have enough to deal with without flipping the fuck out on a daily basis.
This 2ww has just seamed harder from the get go this time around. I don’t know if it’s just because each subsequent 2ww gets harder or what. It’s just so much harder this time.
Nonetheless, I’m going to attempt to not go psycho for a little while. I guess we’ll see how long that lasts.
I Think I’ve Done It May 11, 2005
I’ve managed to thwart Hope. I kicked her ass good, and she’s currently residing in the Intensive Care Unit. How dare she try to mess with me.
It wasn’t that hard to do actually. I read my post from yesterday a few hours after I had written it, and it just struck me. Who am I kidding? There’s no chance of this working. I should know better than that. Forget all of the embryo quality, lining thickness, ease of transfer crap. None of that matters. The fact of the matter is that this crap doesn’t work for me. It just doesn’t. I never get that lucky. Reality set back in quickly yesterday afternoon.
In case Hope gets any ideas about leaving the ICU before beta day, I’ve come up with a couple of plans to thwart her further. Plans in which the assumption is made that this cycle is going to go nowhere past beta day.
First of all, I’ve booked my husband and myself tickets to go visit his family in CA over the Memorial Day weekend. You see, if this cycle actually worked I wouldn’t want to fly then because the trip would fall between beta and the first ultrasound. Take that Hope.
Secondly, I’ve already scheduled a second opinion appointment to talk about the possibility of doing another fresh cycle with a new RE. I actually scheduled this appointment a couple of weeks ago. When I scheduled it originally I was trying to time it so that the appointment would fall about 4 or 5 days after beta. Well, since my FET cycle got delayed due to my lining issues, my consult now falls when? Oh, yes. On beta day. I thought about rescheduling it, but that’s what Hope would want. Not gonna happen. I’m keeping it the way it is.
So, I think I’m now winning the battle against Hope. That will teach her to fuck with me.
Beating Hope Back With a Stick May 10, 2005
I have had zero hope throughout this entire cycle, and that’s the way I like it. It makes for a softer landing come beta day. But somehow that bitch Hope snuck back in yesterday. I hate that bitch so much.
I was doing so well, and then we had a relatively easy transfer yesterday. I’ve always felt that my difficult transfers were our achilles heal in all of this. It’s been the common denominator in all of our previous cycles. The fact that yesterday’s transfer was so much better resulted in Hope marching back through the door.
I’m doing my best to remind myself of all of the reasons why this isn’t going to work. Let’s review:
1. We transferred some seriously slow poke embryos. Those embryos were lower quality than the other 8 blasts we’ve transferred previously. The fact that they were 8 cells on day 5 and somehow managed to make it to blast on day 6 does not bode well.
2. My lining wasn’t great this cycle. It was far from it. I’ve had much thicker linings in all of our previous cycles.
3. Hello, we don’t have a great track record. We’ve already done 3 cycles without success. Why the hell would this one be any different?
But that little voice that keeps reminding me that we’ve never had a good transfer before won’t leave me alone. I know that difficult transfers lower success rates, and that fact won’t leave me alone either. There’s another thing, too. I’ve always bled after my previous transfers. Obviously that’s not a good thing. I did not have a single spot this time, though. Not a single spot.
That bitch Hope is also making me question my reasons why I know this won’t work. Somehow the following thoughts have crept up since transfer:
1. I’ve seen people get pregnant from low quality embryos before, and it’s not like ours were terrible quality. They’re average quality. Plus, if they managed to make it to blast on day 6 they must be fighters.
2. Yes, my lining wasn’t the best this cycle, but I’ve seen people get pregnant with thinner linings than that. I even read a study where a couple of people got pregnant with 4mm linings. My 7.5ish lining is much better than that.
3. Well, if people with multiple failed cycles never found success then there wouldn’t be a Pregnant Vets board on IVFC. Plus, look at Julie, Tertia, Menita, and Brenda to name a few.
AAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Stop it Hope. Seriously.
I absolutely hate getting my hopes up even a little bit. It makes this so much harder. God, I want this to work so badly, but I cannot get my hopes up. I just can’t.
So, if you need me I’ll be beating the crap out of Hope. Hopefully her ass will be good and kicked by the time I post again.
Relieved Does Not Even Begin to Describe It May 9, 2005
Yesterday was hard. The whole mother’s day thing combined with my pre FET freak out just about did me in. I survived, and I’m glad I did.
I made it to transfer today, and I cannot tell you how relieved I am. After waiting forever and a year to learn about our embryos, we found out that all 3 of our blasts survived the thaw and did not lose anything in terms of quality. Can’t ask for anything better than that. We transferred 1 grade 4 and 2 grade 3’s (1-5 scale with 5 being highest). This is our lowest quality transfer thus far, but I’m just so glad they all made it.
Wanna hear even more good news? I had by far the easiest transfer yet. It only took about 15 minutes, and my cervix didn’t even have to be dilated. My RE still had to mess with the tenaculum, but it went so much better than my previous ETs. They also took a peek at my lining, and it looked at least as thick as it was on Wednesday, so that was good news as well.
So, I survived today pretty much unscathed. Everything went so much better than I expected. Now I just have to survive the 2ww. Beta’s on 5/20.
It’s Gonna Be a Long Night May 8, 2005
I hate the day before a FET. It’s so hard not to worry about the thaw. I have no clue if we’ll have anything to transfer tomorrow morning, and the thought of fighting to get to this point only to not make it to transfer is just too much.
I’m also worried about the transfer itself if we make it that far. Man, I wish I could have a normal transfer where my husband gets to hold my hand while we watch the happenings on the ultrasound screen. Instead, my husband will be sitting in the waiting room while the anesthesiologist takes his place. Plus, just going into the transfer knowing how my previous transfers have gone just makes for a bad experience. I don’t want to worry about whether or not the transfer will even be possible or how much manipulation will have to be done to get the catheter past my biatch of a cervix. I hate that.
There’s one thing that’s keeping me from really stressing out, though. I’m tired. So freaking tired. My husband and I went to visit my parents yesterday and did not get the best night’s sleep. Between that, the fact that it is so freakin dark and stormy out right now, and the fact that I’m in a PIO induced coma, I’m about to crash. Might be for the best. It sure would be nice just to fall asleep and not wake up until it’s time to leave tomorrow morning.
A Visit From a Long Lost Friend May 5, 2005
I have this friend, and let’s put it this way, we have a history together. We haven’t seen each other in a while, though. Yesterday said friend and I got reacquainted. He even came over last night for a booty call. Oh, yes he did. And guess what? My husband even got in on the action.
Yep, my good friend PIO and I are two peas in a pod once again. God, I missed him so much.
Obviously, we’re going ahead with this FET. I got my blood work back yesterday, and it looked good. My P4 was 0.3, so that was good, and my E2 was 2044. Holy shit! That’s quite an E2 for a FET cycle. I guess we can rule out a low E2 as the cause of this thin lining situation.
So, if any of our embryos survive the thaw my transfer will be Monday at 9:30. I’m definitely ready to get this cycle over with.
Warning: I’m in a Bitchy Mood May 4, 2005
I mean seriously. I hate this IVF shit so much. I hate when it fucks with me, and I hate it even more when it fucks with my friends. One of my good IF friends who I met online and then actually had the pleasure of meeting in person and who I’ve cycled with time and time again got another damn BFN today after she had seen a faint line on a HPT this morning. And my dear friend Julianna is currently getting tortured with low betas. I hate the universe for not leaving my friends alone.
If it that wasn’t enough, things didn’t go as well as I had hoped at my appointment today. They never do, do they? My RE measured my lining a bunch of times, and it ranged from 7.2-7.9mm. Not great, but at least it was a pretty triple stripe. So she basically left it up to me. Cancel and try again with my next cycle or schedule the ET. My RE likes to see linings measure at least 8, but she’s seen pregnancies with linings as thin as 5.
We’ve decided that as long as my blood work comes back ok (should hear about that a little later) that we’re going to go ahead with the FET. It’s not like I have any hope anyway, so what’s a little thin lining added to the equation. I’m just tired and ready to get it over with. So, if my blood work comes back ok and we have any embryos survive the thaw my ET will be Monday at 9:30. I’m really not sure if this is the right decision, but I would hate to start all over again and not get a better lining and end up wasting a month. Or worse yet start all over again and then not have any embryos survive the thaw.
I’m just in a shitty mood now. My friends are hurting, my cycle is not going well, I’m totally hormonal, and my keyboard is possessed for some reason or another and the cursor is going berserk turning a simple posting experience into a nightmare.
There was one saving grace for me today, though. I got to meet a fellow Houstonian IFer who I met through my blog for lunch today. She was great, and it was so nice to be able to sit and talk about all of this IVF crap with a real live person, one who really gets it. So, thanks Jen. Thanks for keeping my day from being a total disaster.
I’ve Got Nothing May 3, 2005
Seriously, I’m just a big ball of blah. I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing pretty well at keeping numb about this cycle or because I’m doped up on Estrace. I’m definitely feeling like crap while all of these hormones are pumping through my body. I’m guessing I’ll feel more of something or at least have something of semi importance to report after my ultrasound tomorrow.
I just don’t feel as invested in this cycle. I guess that’s because I was never really sure if this cycle would make it to transfer. Still don’t of course. Plus, I just have no hope of it working. I mean, why on earth would it? I see no reason to believe that a transfer of slow poke, not so great quality embryos would work when our other three cycles with beautiful embryos didn’t. That’s assuming they even survive the thaw which I’m definitely not assuming.
I can’t help but feel blah when thinking about thin linings, slow poke embryos, and having no chance at all. So, I’m just gonna curl up in my blanket on the couch and wait for tomorrow to get here.
Still in Limbo Land April 29, 2005
I didn’t get the best news at my ultrasound today, but I didn’t get the worst either. I guess there’s something to be said for that. My lining has thickened some but not quite enough. It’s up to 7.5mm. The good news is that those follicles are completely gone, so I can safely stay on the Estrace for a little while longer to see if we can get my lining to thicken up some more. So, I’m upping my Estrace again and going back for another ultrasound on Wednesday. We should know then whether we’ll be able to schedule the transfer or have to cancel the cycle.
At first I was really disappointed with this news, but I guess I need to look on the bright side. I’m not cancelled…yet. And having my hypothetical transfer pushed back a few days will also push back my hypothetical beta. This is actually a good thing, because if I had gotten the go ahead to schedule transfer today and we actually ended up with embryos to transfer then my beta would have been on our anniversary. Not a good thing. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like a negative beta.
Let me not get ahead of myself, though. To worry about beta dates you actually have to have a transfer scheduled and actually have to have embryos survive the thaw. Who knows if either of those things will happen. Right now I’m just going to focus on getting my stubborn lining to thicken up a bit more. That’s enough to worry about.
Paranoia Runs Rampent April 27, 2005
I definitely get paranoid while cycling. Ok, not just while cycling but more so while in the midst of this IVF crap. I just feel so superstitious about everything.
One way this paranoia manifests itself is in how I deal with my meds. With a FET I have lots of oral meds to take. I have one of those massive pill organizer things that has four separate compartments per day. I have to use this contraption or else I’ll forget to take everything I’m supposed to. Anyway, I only fill up the pill organizer through the next turning point in my cycle. Like this week I have my ultrasound appointment on Friday morning, so I only filled up the thing with my meds through Friday morning. There are no pills in the Friday afternoon, evening, or beyond compartments.
I can’t fill the rest of them up because I don’t know if I’ll be getting any further in this cycle than Friday morning. It just feels like I could jinx it or something. I do this even when cancellation doesn’t seem imminent.
I had to mess with my system today, though. I don’t have enough PIO to get through the entire weekend should I get the go ahead to start on Friday, so I had to order more today. It was very hard for me to order a refill “assuming” that I wouldn’t get cancelled on Friday, because I’m so not assuming that. I had to do it, though, because I would be PIOless should I actually get to proceed with this cycle.
I’m such a fruit loop that something like ordering a refill can get to me. It’s just that having meds lined up in my pill organizer or ordering a refill that I don’t know I’ll use makes me feel like I’m assuming that things will proceed as they should. The thing is, though, that I know what can happen when you just assume something’s going to work or even if you just hope it will. Nothing works out as planned in the crazy IVF world. At least not for me. That’s why it kills me to do anything that even remotely seems like I’m assuming things will work out, because I’ve learned better than to do something as crazy as that.
I Gotta Get Me One of Those April 26, 2005
I’m thinking of bidding on this. Or even better, this one. That one’s portable. They both come complete with vaginal probes, so I’d be set.
Wouldn’t one of those be awesome to have? I’m thinking that all infertiles in a given community should pool their money and go in for one of those puppies. Wouldn’t you pay to have a share of an ultrasound machine? I think I could find enough infertiles in Houston who would gladly contribute a few hundred bucks to have an u/s machine at their beck and call.
Just think how handy it would be. Need to know how your follicles or lining are doing during a cycle? No need to wait for your next appointment with your RE when you’ve got an u/s machine on hand. Finally get pregnant and are having dead baby thoughts? No need to sit and worry because your doctor won’t let you have another ultrasound for three weeks.
I’m dying for an ultrasound. I need to know what the hell is going on in there. Is my lining getting thicker? Are those follicles behaving themselves? I have no damn clue. And thus my mind is going crazy. I swear I can feel my left ovary. Is it because those follicles are growing or is it all in my head? I don’t know. I need a fucking ultrasound!
So, who’s in? Should we start a collection?
Keeping It All In Perspective April 24, 2005
It’s really hard when I’m in the midst of a cycle, especially when that cycle is going to shit, for me to be able to take a step back from it all. I get so invested in a cycle that when something totally crappy happens, like it did on Friday, that I lose it. Completely. That’s understandable, but sometimes I need to remind myself to look at the big picture.
One thing I’ve learned from blogging is that my emotions follow a pretty predictable pattern while cycling. It’s not easy to see this while in the midst of it all. In fact, it’s almost impossible, but by being able to read back through my posts written during past cycles it’s easier to see.
There comes a point in every cycle where I feel like I honestly can’t ever do this crap again. Ever. I just get to the end of my rope, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Friday was one of those days.
Even though I felt lower than low, and even though I am still so discouraged, I know that things are going to be ok. Eventually. Yes, I feel like crap now, and I may feel like it’s the end of the world on Friday when I get cancelled or on beta day when I get another negative. But, eventually I’ll be able to crawl out of that dark hole. I know I will. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. I’ve been through all of this crap before and survived, and I can do it again.
That’s the only thing that’s getting me through this right now. Knowing that I have it in me to do it. I don’t feel like it, but I know from past experience that I do. I know that the lows aren’t over for this cycle. They’ve very likely just begun, but I’ll make it. I just have to.
I Can’t Win April 22, 2005
Seriously. I mean nothing can go smoothly. I went in for my ultrasound this morning and things went from bad to worse. First, they wanted to charge me $200 more than I was told I would have to pay. I fought that one hard and won, but it was a major struggle. Then after I had been waiting a while to be called back I had to go to the bathroom. You know where this one’s going don’t ya? Oh, yes. They called my name while I was in there, so I had to wait some more. I finally got to go hang out in one of the ultrasound rooms with my pants off for a good 20 minutes before I got my turn at the dildocam. I thought about doing it myself for a while there.
Someone finally came to do my ultrasound, and I did not like what I saw. My lining only measured 5-6mm. It was a lovely triple stripe, but it was way too thin. Ugh! Not what I was hoping for today. I also had a few small follicles on my left ovary. My RE doesn’t think they’ll be a problem since they’re so small. If they had been follicles that were at risk of ovulating they would have been much bigger. The largest one only measure 6mm. It’s still a little disconcerting, though.
So, I have to keep on with the Estrace and go back in a week. If my lining has decided to get itself in gear and those follicles don’t end up misbehaving then my FET will be the following week. Otherwise I’ll be canceled.
I couldn’t handle this today. I just wasn’t in a good mood to begin with and then all of this crap happened. After my appointment I just sat in my car and bawled. This stuff is so damn frustrating, and it’s kicking my ass. Hard.
Decisions, Decisions April 21, 2005
My husband and I discussed our big dilemma last night. We both came to the same conclusion. We’re going ahead with the FET.
There are a few reasons for this but they all boil down to the fact that there just isn’t enough evidence out there to prove that this beta 3 integrin test is the end all be all with regards to the functionality of the uterine lining. It’s an experimental and controversial test with a wide array of opinions as to its applicability.
The studies are all over the map on this subject. There are studies that show that the beta 3 integrin isn’t consistent among cycles even within the same person. So it could show up on a biopsy one cycle and not the next. There are also studies that show that just because the integrin isn’t present in the mid luteal phase doesn’t mean it won’t be present in the late luteal phase. Some studies show that it doesn’t even matter if it’s present at all. And then there are studies that show that the lack of the integrin reduces the chance of pregnancy. There are just so many different views about the ramifications of this test. Plus, it doesn’t seem like there’s been a proven cause-and-effect relationship between the presence or absence of this type of marker and its effect on fertility.
There’s also my personal situation to consider. This biopsy was done in an abnormal cycle. My body was so screwed up from cycling back to back for 7 months that it decided to bless me with a fucked up 44 day cycle. And there’s the fact that we’ve had implantation. Sure, it didn’t last very long but an embryo did implant.
I saw someone with a similar background post a question on one of the “ask the RE” type message boards about this test. Like me, she had experienced both failed cycles and a cycle that ended in a chemical. She had the beta 3 integrin test done and it came back with the same result as mine: out of phase with the integrin absent.
The doctor replied that the beta 3 integrin is only one of many molecules that are involved in the attachment of the embryo to the endometrium, and that in something as important as embryo implantation, there is significant redundancy built into the system. If one type of cell adhesion molecule is absent then other molecules can take over that function. He went on to say that he didn’t think that the absence of beta 3 integrin should prevent her from trying to conceive, particularly in view of her recent chemical pregnancy which clearly demonstrated the presence of cell adhesion molecules that allowed implantation to occur.
Given all of that, we didn’t feel like repeating the test at this juncture would be the best course of action. Last night we decided that unless my RE had some compelling reason for us to repeat the test that we would go ahead and do the FET.
My IVF coordinator was supposed to either have my RE call me today or at the very minimum speak to her and relay her opinion on the matter to me. I waited and waited for the phone to ring, but it never did. I finally called my RE’s office at 3:00 and apparently my IVF coordinator had discussed it with my RE but she had to leave early to pick up her sick kid from school so she must have forgotten to call me. Thanks a lot. So the receptionist played relay between my RE and myself over the phone. Lovely.
My RE recommended that I redo the test. When I asked why I was told that it was because the test was inconclusive. Um, yeah. I kinda got that part already. You got anything else, because in and of itself that’s not a very convincing answer. I was told that we had three choices and that it was ultimately up to us. We could:
1. Do another endometrial biopsy to have the test redone.
2. Go ahead with the FET knowing that we could lose embryos.
3. Do the 3 month course of Lupron treatment before cycling again.
Let me just go through those options for a sec. 1) Yes, this may give us more answers but we may waste another cycle and another $1,000 to find out the exact same thing: nothing. Even if it showed something different, how would we know what would happen the third time? And how do we even know if the findings really mean anything at all? 2) Um, we have a good chance of losing embryos anyway. Thank you very much. Don’t you always have a chance of losing embryos? I sure do. We’ve “lost” our fair share already. 3) So, you want to put me on a treatment that we don’t know I need, nor do we know the effectiveness of, nor do we know if the “condition” even warrants treatment? A treatment that knowing my body could very likely end up ruining the next cycle anyway? No thanks.
Another reason I’m ready to go ahead with this FET is that I’m ready to get the hell out of my RE’s office. That’s not a good enough reason in and of itself, but I’m so done there. I’m not getting what I need, and I need to move on. The RE that I want to get a second opinion from doesn’t accept frozen embryos from outside labs, so I need to transfer them where I am. After that we’ll be free to go elsewhere.
So, my ultrasound and bloodwork appointment is tomorrow morning. Holy crap. I might actually be cycling again.
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