The Heck If I Know How I’m Feeling March 14, 2006
I haven’t really been blogging about how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess that’s mostly because my feelings are all over the map. It’s not uncommon for me to feel one way one day and the complete opposite the next.
I went through a stage of not wanting to do the FET at all. I mean seriously, if anyone thinks I have even a tiny chance of this thing working after having transferred 17 high quality embryos, 14 of which were blasts, in the past with nothing to show for it then they’re seriously delusional. I have no hope of it working. That’s just not possible at this point. Plus, the thought of putting my body through the birth control pill/Lupron torture is just too much sometimes. I know how I get on that shit, and it’s not pretty.
Mostly, I’m just tired. So bone tired. It’s so hard to go through it all time and time again only to be disappointed each time. It takes so much out of me.
The only thing that’s kept me in a forward trajectory towards the FET was knowing that I couldn’t leave those four embryos in the deep freeze. I need to transfer those suckers before I can close the door on IVF.
However, today I find myself getting antsy to cycle. The absolute lack of hope, the dread of the evil drug side effects, the extreme tiredness, it’s all still there. Those don’t shake off easily. The thing is that I absolutely hate feeling like I’m doing nothing. I hate waiting, too. I am so not good at this being patient stuff.
I just want to fucking do something. Yes, I’ve been doing my research and reading books for our next step, but it doesn’t feel like action. Even though I know that it’s going to take something other than this FET for me to become a mom, I can’t help but want to proceed. Not because I want to do the cycle, but because I want to do something, anything.
It’s only been about a month since the chemical/beta fiasco. That means I’m only a third of the way through the wait for this damn FET. Blah.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll go back to not wanting to do it at all. At least then I won’t feel so damn antsy.
Muchas Gracias February 21, 2006
Thank you. You see that I meant it when I said that this crap had brought some of the best friends ever into my life.
Now It’s Over February 17, 2006
My beta was 1.5 today so we can now officially close the book on this cycle. I am very glad that I’m done being stuck for the time being.
Right now I feel an intense need to educate myself on our available family building options even more so than I have in the past. I bought Helping the Stork and Adopting After Infertility after the miscarriage last fall. I’ve pulled them back out the past couple of days. I reread one yesterday and am in the process of reading the other one again today.
Also, since we’ve moved since last fall, I now have a whole new library at my disposal. I’ve made note of the adoption books that I want to check out and will be going to stock up on them shortly.
It helps to read. It helps to think about something other than the upcoming FET. It helps to know that whatever path we may decide to go down, we will be parents.
I read something the other day that got me thinking. It actually made me feel sorry for myself a bit because I’m the “failed cycle girl.” I know it’s nice to read blogs of people who have beaten the odds. Obviously I’m not one of them, and I guess that can seem depressing at times to not only me but to people who read my blog.
You know what, though. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want anyone else to either. Yes, my lot so far in this reproductive pursuit has totally sucked. That’s pretty much an understatement. I may not be the poster child for IVF (ok, I know I’d be the very last one considered for that position) but I will get my happy ending. Be damn sure of it. Someday, somehow it will happen. Maybe not in the way I originally imagined it would happen and maybe not in the time frame I would have hoped for, but I will be a mother one day.
Until then I can focus on what I’ve gotten out of going through all of this shit: finding some of the best friends that I could possibly have, knowing that my marriage is solid as a rock, discovering that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be, and learning that I can survive anything.
Peeking Out from the Cave February 16, 2006
I’ve been pretty quiet, off in my own little cave, for the past few days. I honestly haven’t been having the easiest of times. Things have been really tough going lately. I guess that’s to be expected, though.
I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that our child will come into our lives through a way other than IVF. Yes, we do have four high quality blasts in the freezer. Yes, technically that gives us another chance, but I don’t really believe it does. I really don’t believe that IVF will ever work for us. I think we could do more cycles after this next one and never find success. This isn’t just me giving up hope. It’s me facing reality.
There’s got to be something going on with our embryos. I read a post by someone else who’s husband also had obstructive azoospermia. They had done 4 fresh cycles and 4 FETs without success. On their last cycle they did PGD, and none, not a single one, of their embryos were chromosomally normal. It wouldn’t surprise me if the same thing was going on with us. Of course, we’ll never know for sure, but it think it’s a distinct possibility.
It’s really hard to start thinking seriously in terms of other options when we’ve been at this IVF stuff so long, when we’ve devoted so much time, energy, heart, and money to it. I know it’s going to be time to move on after this FET, though. I finally know.
It’s weird to know. After every other failed cycle, I was so ready to jump back into another cycle, to give it another try. When we started out doing this IVF stuff, I honestly thought it would work if we just did enough cycles. I’ve come to realize that’s just not the case now.
I think I’ve kind of surprised myself by not thinking in terms of doing another fresh cycle. I’ve never been in this place where it wasn’t a given (in my mind anyway) that we’d keep on cycling.
We have a while before the FET since I have to take a cycle off and then have to do the never ending medicated FET protocol. I’ll be taking that time to do some real soul searching. I’m sure my husband and I both will.
Oh, and when I said in my last post that I was glad that this cycle was over, well that wasn’t technically correct. Of course it’s over in terms of knowing how things turned out, but unfortunately I still have one more damn beta to look forward to. Yes, the torture continues. I have to have betas done until my number has dropped all the way to negative. I’m assuming that tomorrow will be the day since the wrath of the post failed cycle period has decided to grace me with it’s presence today. Hopefully we’ll be able to officially close the book on this cycle after my beta tomorrow.
The Beginning of the End February 13, 2006
Beta was 10 today. I’ve got mixed feelings about it. I really am relieved to have it over. I didn’t want this dragging out any longer than it already had. I’ll take a chemical over an ectopic or a miscarriage later on any day.
On the other hand, I can’t help but feel the loss. It’s not that I ever thought this was going to work out, but man, it still hurts. A lot.
I’m feeling stronger today than yesterday, though. I talked to my mom last night and she asked me how I was doing. I replied that I was doing my best to hang in there. She said that she had no idea how I did it. I told her that I didn’t have any other choice. That’s the truth. You either keep hanging in there or you die. So, hang in there it is.
I really feel like this is never going to work for us. There are no real answers as to why it hasn’t, but I suspect that there’s got to be something funky going on with the chromosomes of our embryos. I don’t know how else to explain the failed cycles, chemicals, and miscarriage. So even though we have four high quality blasts in the deep freeze, I have to admit that I don’t have much hope for them.
Maybe this is just what we have to go through to eventually find the child that is meant to be ours. I know a lot of people don’t like to think that way, but it’s something that helps me get through all of the unimaginable heart break. I can honestly say that I have no clue how our child will come into our lives. It doesn’t look like IVF is going to do the trick, so it will probably be in some other way. I do know this, though. I am not going to stop fighting until my arms are no longer empty. I have to believe that surviving days like today will all be worth it in the end. How else can I get through this? I have to hold on to that. And I’m holding on tight.
Sometimes It’s Hard to Hang In There February 12, 2006
I think I do a pretty good job of hanging in there despite all of the shit that’s been thrown my direction, but sometimes it takes a lot more effort than others. Today is one of those days.
I knew the wait for this cycle to officially come to an end wouldn’t be easy. Hell, I’ve had plenty of experience with the hard road. I know it really, really well. I’m just tired of having to hang in there all the time. I mean, this shit can wear a person out.
Worn out I most definitely am. I’m tired of never catching a break. I’m tired of watching good news pop up all around me but never having any of it for myself. I’m tired of the constant reminders. They’re everywhere, you know.
It’s really fucking hard to fight the multiple failed IVF cycles/multiple losses double whammy. A negative beta would have been easier. It just would have. I hate being a teeny, tiny bit pregnant. It’s just harder.
I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of feeling like a freaking embryo graveyard. I’m tired of feeling like a failure.
I know none of this is my fault. I know there’s nothing I could have done to change how any of this has gone. I know there are no answers to the “why’s.” Trust me, I know all of that. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, though.
I just want a fucking baby. I don’t get why that’s too much to ask for. I don’t get why it has to be so hard.
I know I’ll survive this. I always do. I know that I’ll be able to brush myself off and get back in the game one more time. I have to. I know I’ll find the strength to do so once again. I’m tired, though. Very tired.
Because I Haven’t Been Tortured Enough February 9, 2006
I guess the universe decided it wasn’t done fucking with me after all. Beta was 18 this morning. Crap.
This does not mean that this is going anywhere good. It just means things are going to be dragged out even longer. A beta of 18 at 11dp5dt is shit. Plus, we really have no clue if it’s really risen much if any since my betas were done at two different labs. It’s just more torture.
I had a feeling this was going to happen. Things can’t ever be easy. I’ve come to expect that.
Despite everything, I’m still hanging in there. I don’t really know how, but I am. I guess if you live through enough dissapointment, you just get used to it. I expect the hard road, and that’s usually what I get.
I really do wish this was easier, but there’s nothing I can do to change how things have played out in the past or how things will play out in the future. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep on going.
So, what next? I have to stay on all meds (and I’m so excited about that fact) and go back for yet another beta on Monday. The hope is that it will have at least started to fall by then. I don’t want this to drag out forever. Some resolution would be a welcome change.
Thank you all for your support throughout all of this crap. I couldn’t do it without you.
What’s Worse Than a Negative Beta? February 7, 2006
That would be a beta of 7. Mother fucking 7. Just high enough so that we can’t offically close the book on this cycle yet.
Today was tough in more ways the one. The drive over and back to Houston sucked more than usual. I got stuck in some massive construction traffic both ways, but on the way over I was really stuck. The “sit there with your car in park while you watch people get out of their cars” kind of stuck. I took me an hour longer than it usually does to get over there. It would have been even longer if I hadn’t hauled ass during the second half of the drive to make up some time. So, I was there later than I was supposed to be for beta, but I didn’t really care as long as I was there in time for my appointment with my RE.
I got my blood drawn, grabbed a quick bite to eat, and then headed in to talk to my RE. You wanna know what’s weird? Getting your beta results in person. You think over the phone sucks. This was worse. The lab actually called my RE right in the middle of my follow up. You know, I was really prepared to hear that it was negative. Finding out that it was 7 threw me for a loop.
My RE didn’t really have any answers for me. I didn’t expect him to. I never expect answers during a follow up. Usually there are none to be had. He said that this should have worked for us by now.
We discussed plans for my FET. He wants me to have one natural cycle before starting the prep for the FET. Then I get to do the oh so fun and never ending medicated FET protocol including BCPs, Lupron, Vivelle patches, and PIO. With the break cycle and the length of that type of FET protocol (about 7 weeks) I won’t be able to transfer again for 3 months. That sucks so badly. I really, really wanted to get another shot before my would be due date in mid April. Not gonna happen.
All of these FET plans are assuming that this is a chemical that we’re dealing with. If it’s something nastier like an ectopic then who knows what’s going to happen with the plans.
So, after my follow up, I grabbed a FET price sheet (boy are the FETs expensive at my clinic) and headed out. To add insult to injury, I had a not so pleasant elevator experience on the way out of the hospital. I got in on floor 7 only to have it stop on floor 5 to pick up more people. In walks a woman with big round pregnant belly holding fresh off the press ultrasound pics. It took all of my power not to completely lose it right then and there. By the time I got to my car, I was bawling. Yeah, this has been a good day.
This is obviously not a situation that’s going to end well. I have to go in for a repeat beta on Thursday to see if it’s dropped down in the negative range. I’m hoping that it will because the last thing I need to deal with is beta hell or worse, some crappy ectopic situation.
I’m getting beta #2 done in town. I need to make some arrangements tomorrow to get it done at the IVF clinic here, and that always proves to be a pain in the ass. It will be better than making the drive again, though.
So, yeah. That was beta day in a nutshell. I’m freaking worn out. I’m glad days like today don’t happen everyday. I’d never make it.
Sometimes You Just Know February 6, 2006
I really did want to be wrong, but I knew I wasn’t. It didn’t matter how many times people told me that it wasn’t over, I knew what I was feeling. I know my body pretty darn well.
This was confirmed this morning by two different brands of HPTs. As expected, they were both negative. I’m 8dp5dt today, so I have no doubt that it’s over. I’ve broken out the HPTs on all five of my previous cycles, and through 3 BFNs, 1 BFP, and 1 chemical, they have never led me astray. I have no reason to believe they’re lying to me now.
I called and talked to my IVF coordinator this morning to see if there was any way I could get in to see my RE for my follow up when I go in tomorrow for beta. I’m sure this isn’t customary, but I really want to talk to my RE before proceeding with the FET and I’d prefer to do so in person. I also didn’t want to make a separate trip over to do so.
My wonderful IVF coordinator did some creative scheduling and got me in to see my RE at 11:30 tomorrow morning. I still need to be there by 10 for beta so they can get the results back the same day, but I’m glad I’ll be able to do both while I’m over there tomorrow.
What kills me is that I really thought this was our best shot. I was diagnosed with the MTHFR stuff and was being treated for it. I had a stellar cycle. We had awesome blasts to transfer. The not knowing why this stuff doesn’t work for us is very hard to deal with.
I really think this may never happen for us. All I could think of while I was sitting there waiting for the magic 10 minutes to pass (even though I knew that if those lines hadn’t popped up within the first few that they weren’t going to) was that I’m never going to be pregnant again and that I’m never going to have a bio kid. I want both very, very much, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.
You can try with all your might, you can cycle and cycle and cycle, you can pour all of your money into the pockets of your REs, but that’s not always enough. I wish I knew what it would take to finally have my dream fulfilled. Maybe it won’t ever happen no matter what I do. That thought just breaks my heart.
I Couldn’t Do It February 5, 2006
I’ve got some HPTs just waiting for me to break them out of their shiny new boxes. When I bought them I thought I might test this morning. I’m 7dp5dt today, so they’d be pretty reliable at this point. I just can’t do it, though.
I just want one more day before the world falls in on me for the sixth time. I’m pretty sure I know what’s coming, and I just don’t want to see it yet.
I do have to know before the phone call, though. I have to. No matter how scared I am of getting bad news from FRED, the thought of waiting to find out through that damn phone call is terrifying. I need the heads up before then. Since beta is on Tuesday, it looks like tomorrow morning is it. I’ll be peeing on sticks in less than 24 hours whether I really want to or not.
On a lighter note, thanks for the compliments on my new look. I really like it. I got inspired after seeing the changes over at Inconceivable. Many, many thanks to my husband for helping me with the technical stuff. I was just so not in the mood to deal with all of that FTPing crap. Fiddling with a WordPress theme is not the easiest thing to do. It was a good distraction to work on switching things over yesterday. And we all know that distractions during the 2ww are a very good thing.
What a Pain in the Ass February 4, 2006
I think Dan hit a nerve while doing my PIO shot last night. Holy crap, it hurts. When you consider how long I’ve been doing these damn shots (15 or so weeks over the course of six cycles) I guess stuff like this is inevitable.
I managed to fall asleep last night and was doing ok until Muffy woke me up for her 5am feeding. I just couldn’t go back to sleep after that. There is no position that I can sit or lay in that doesn’t hurt. Plus, as a fun bonus, I can barely walk. Forget crossing my legs. I always cross my legs in one form or another, so now I feel completely wonky having to sit here with both feet on the floor.
I remember this happening before in a previous cycle. I guess there’s nothing I can do but wait for it to get better. Well, that and complain about it.
I still can’t shake this feeling that this cycle didn’t work. I’m just completely convinced that I’m headed towards a negative come beta day. It doesn’t matter how many people try to convince me that how I’m feeling in this 2ww shouldn’t be compared with how I felt during the 2ww I got pregnant, I’m not buying it.
I’m not having any of the symptoms I had by this point last cycle. Not one. My boobs have turned out to be a pretty darn good pregnancy litmus test. Sore boobs= positive beta. Lack of sore boobs= negative beta. You guessed it, they’re not the least bit sore this cycle. Last cycle they had started by 6dp3dt and were continuing to drive me crazy with their hope inspiring properties on 7dp3dt.
I’m 6dp5dt transfer today and nada. No sore boobs, no memory loss, no exhaustion, no nothing. I know, I know, plenty of people get a positive beta without symptoms. I just don’t believe that I’m one of them. I could believe that if this was my first cycle and had nothing to compare it to. I know how I felt when I was pregnant, though. And yes, I know every pregnancy is different, but that still doesn’t change where my mind stands on this one. I’m convinced. And there’s just nothing that can be done to change that. I just have to hope that I’m wrong.
What a Difference a Protocol Can Make February 2, 2006
I thought it might be interesting to do a side by side comparison of IVF #3 and IVF #4.
| IVF #3 | IVF #4 | ||
| Long Lupron | Microdose Lupron | ||
| no break after previous FET cycle | forced break due to m/c | ||
| 4 weeks on BCPs | 10 days on BCPs | ||
| 375IU of stims entire cycle | 450IU dropping every two days down to 225IU | ||
| trigger on day 12 | trigger on day 9 | ||
| E2 1201 at trigger | E2 7542 at trigger | ||
| 7 eggs retrieved | 30 eggs retrieved | ||
| 5 mature | 22 mature | ||
| 4 fertilized with ICSI | 18 fertilized with ICSI | ||
| 3 embryos on day 3, all 8 cells and above | 18 embryos on day 3, 16- 8 cells and above | ||
| transferred 3 on day 3 | transferred 3 on day 5 | ||
| none to freeze | 4 blasts frozen | ||
| result: pregnant but miscarried | result: ???? |
What a difference, huh? I mean, looking at that you would think that those were cycles from two different people. IVF #3 bordered on poor responder territory and IVF #4 was just the opposite. Crazy.
The truth of the matter is, though, that it doesn’t matter how things go along the way, it’s all about the end result. Will this cycle end up working? Who knows.
Quite honestly, I’m not in a pretty place right now. I’m in a “there’s no way it worked this time” place, and I can’t get out of it. I guess only time will tell if I’m right or not. It sure would be a shame to have such an awesome cycle only to have it wind up failing in the end.
Can You OD on Gatorade? February 1, 2006
When I had my pre transfer talk with my RE on Sunday, I asked her when the risk of developing OHSS would drop. She said two weeks. I don’t know if she meant two weeks past trigger, two weeks past retrieval, or two weeks past transfer because I was too focused on the embryo stuff to ask her to which two weeks she meant, but obviously it means that I’m not out of the woods yet.
I did some googling on the subject and discovered that there are actually two types of OHSS: early onset and late onset. I hadn’t realized that. I guess most of the time you hear about people developing symptoms fairly early on. It appears that’s not always the case.
Early onset OHSS usually starts 3-7 days after trigger while the late onset form starts 12-17 days after trigger. Most of the time the late onset form occurs in response to rising HCG levels resulting from pregnancy. The late onset form of OHSS tends to be more severe than the early form.
Interesting. I guess technically speaking I’m past the risk of developing the early form, and it looks like the chances of getting the late form are only worth worrying about if I somehow manage to get pregnant this cycle.
I’m still drinking my Gatorade like a good girl just in case. I like that stuff as much as the next guy, but even I’m starting to get sick of it. I’ve been throwing some Propel into the mix for variety’s sake.
I’m still trying to keep the protein intake up there, too. I found a way to make those yucky premade protein shakes palatable. Take a heaping scoop of chocolate ice cream, add half a chocolate protein shake, and mix together in a blender. Much better.
I’ve been keeping an eye on my body, too. (Ok, it’s not just because of the OHSS risk. We all know that it’s impossible not to analyze our bodies for “symptoms” during the 2ww.) I’ve managed to gain back a pound from the weight I lost after ER. Not really surprising given how freaking snacky the PIO is making me. Obviously a pound up or down is not something to be concerned over.
The thing that is a tad concerning is the fact that I’ve been experiencing some persistent nausea the past few days. Nausea is a OHSS symptom, but it’s not severe so I think I’m ok as of right now. I can still eat and drink and all that good stuff plus vomiting or anything of the sort has yet to come into play, so I’m not freaking out about it. It sure is a pain, though. Like the extreme tiredness from the PIO isn’t enough to make me feel like crap.
I do remember that when I was popping Estradiol like candy during one of my stubborn lining FETs that I got nauseated from all of the estrogen. I guess this nausea could be as a result of high E2 levels and not necessarily OHSS. Still something to keep an eye on, I guess.
I guess only time will tell if I’m spared the wrath of OHSS. You would think with an E2 of 7542 at trigger that my chances would be fairly good, but I guess you never really know. I have to admit that if my choices are no OHSS and no pregnancy or getting OHSS and actually getting pregnant, that I’d have to choose the latter. We all know these things aren’t up to those of us going through them, though. We never get to call the shots.
What’s in the Deep Freeze? January 30, 2006
We survived the trip back today, and I’m very glad to be home. I got my cryo report call while we were on the road. The bad news is that they had to use two vials of our sperm this cycle so we only have one left. Of course, Dan was very quick to remind me that this was a moot point because of the fact that this is our last fresh cycle regardless of outcome.
That little comment from my husband got the tears flowing on my end. I really didn’t need reminded of finality of all of this. I so just want to focus on this cycle right now.
The good news is that we don’t have to worry about that finality stuff right now after all, because four of our blasts made it to freeze. That is such a freaking relief. It takes a huge load off knowing that this isn’t our last chance.
I was nervous about even some of our remaining blasts making it to the freezer because my clinic has a reputation for being very strict about what they freeze. It’s just amazing to me that we got 7 high quality blasts out of this cycle, 3 to transfer and 4 to freeze. It makes me feel better knowing we’ll have another chance if we need it.
So, beta’s on 2/7, only 8 more days to wait. I guess that’s one benefit to doing a blast transfer. You have two more days to obsess over how your embryos are doing, but it makes for two fewer days to obsess over whether or not the cycle worked.
Oh, and before I forget, here’s some fun tidbits from yesterday that made ET day memorable:
My anesthesiologist, the one who took absolutely forever and a bigillion sticks to get my IV started, thought that mentioning the fact that he had worked labor and delivery the night before and had attended to a woman who showed up to the hospital in labor while simultaneously being high as a kite on crack would serve as an appropriate form of small talk while attending to an IVF patient on her sixth transfer. Seriously.
Going to the bathroom first thing in the morning was unavoidable and since I couldn’t drink anything because of the anesthesia, my RE got the pleasure of filling up my bladder with a catheter. Let me tell ya how much fun it is to pee for the first few times after that experience.
Dan had a brain blip while preparing my PIO injection last night and ended up sticking me twice. Like my ass wasn’t sore enough already. Thanks, hon. He has since made up for it by doing the driving today and even venturing out to the grocery store without wifely backup.
The truth of the matter is that none of the crap matters right now. I’ve got three embryos in there (hopefully my uterus hasn’t killed them yet) and four more in the freezer. Things are pretty darn good right now.
Embryos on Board January 29, 2006
I was pretty nervous waiting to find out what we had left embryo-wise while we sat and waited our turn to talk to the RE this morning. It turns out that things worked out pretty well.
10 of our embryos made it to blast. 3 were good quality advanced blasts. One was an advanced blast that wasn’t great quality. 6 were early blasts.
The 3 high quality advanced ones were obviously the ones that we would transfer. The poor quality one won’t make it to freeze, but they will watch the 6 early blasts until tomorrow, and we’re hoping at least a couple of those will make it to the deep freeze.
The transfer itself went fine given the cervix circumstances. The anesthesiologist took absolutely forever to get my IV started, though. Absolute torture. He tried my hand and then my wrist and finally resorted to using my arm.
My RE checked for signs of OHSS on ultrasound, and I had a little free fluid behind my uterus but not so much to cause concern.
So, the plan is for me just to chill at the hotel today and then Dan and I will make the trip back home tomorrow. Hopefully by then we will know if any of our other blasts were able to be frozen.
Onward to Sunday January 27, 2006
I was so freaking nervous waiting for my phone to ring this morning. I had visions of learning that all of our embryos had crapped out in the dish. The not knowing is so hard. Hell, it’s more that hard. It’s torture.
My phone rang this morning, and on the other end of the line was my RE. That took me by surprise since I had just assumed my IVF coordinator would be calling. He said he had good news, and I let out a huge sigh of relief.
Here’s our day 3 report. Out of our 18 embryos, we have:
1- 10 cell
2- 9 cells
13- 8 cells
2- 6 cells
They are all grade 4 or grade 4- (grade 4 being highest).
Holy shit! I cannot freaking believe it. Obviously this means we’re on for a day 5 transfer on Sunday. We have to be there at 9am, so we’ll probably head over tomorrow afternoon so we don’t have to get up in the middle of the night.
I talked to my RE about the number to transfer and he said that he had discussed it with the other RE in the practice (since she’s the one who will be doing my transfer) and they are both ok with transferring 2 or 3 blasts because of my history. So, 3 it is. Dan and I have had the number to transfer discussion several times over the course of our cycles, and we’re comfortable with 3 blasts. Hell, we’ve transferred 14 embryos, 11 of which were blasts, over the course of our five previous cycles with nothing to show for it, so I don’t think 3 is too much to ask for.
Ahhh. I feel like I need to take a deep breath. To have our embryos doing that well is just amazing to me. I mean, it’s not like they haven’t done well in the past, but I was still prepared for bad news. I always am.
So, Sunday it is. Wow, I’m still in shock. I so don’t want reality catching up to me this time. I like this good news stuff too much.
As Much of a Plan as One Can Have January 26, 2006
I talked to my IVF coordinator this morning in attempt to sort out all of this travelling stuff and day 3 vs day 5 stuff. Normally at my clinic everyone goes in on day 3. If they want to transfer on day 3, you stick around for ET. If they want to go to blast, they go over your embryo info and then tell you to come back in two days. Well, obviously that would be a pain in the ass for us because of the drive, so they’re trying to work it out so that it’s as easy as possible for us.
It looks like the plan is to take them to blast unless they check on them tomorrow and they look like crap. They know our embryos can make it to blast and we started with a good number, so that’s the plan. They want 6-8 really good day 3 embryos to go to blast, so even if just half of ours made it we’d be ok going to day 5.
They’re going to check on them in the morning and give me a call hopefully by 9:00 which is the time we would need to get on the road to be there for when my ET would be scheduled for if we did a day 3 transfer. It’s kinda complicated, but it looks like unless everything goes to hell between now and tomorrow morning that we’ll be doing a blast transfer on Sunday.
On a different note, I did my first Lovenox injection last night. Holy crap, that sucker burned. I mean, I thought Repronex stung, but it’s got nothing on Lovenox. I sat there in shock at how much it hurt. Maybe I’ll try icing tonight. I never ice before I inject, but this situation might call for that.
I’ve been keeping up my OHSS prevention diet and have been watching my body closely. I know that symptoms don’t usually start this early, but I still want to be aware of what’s going on. I’ve been weighing myself in the morning (as I usually do) because it’s important to keep an eye on the whole weight gain situation. I have yet to gain any weight this cycle, and somehow I even managed to lose a pound between yesterday and today.
I know, I know. Getting 18 fertilized eggs and actually losing weight during a cycle is insane to me, too. Now before anyone starts hating me, let me please remind you of my track record. It’s over there on the right if anyone needs a reminder. No one wants to be the girl on cycle #6. The thing is that it doesn’t matter how great my luck may be going, at some point it’s all going to go to shit. It’s just a matter of time before the other shoe drops.
So until it does I’m just going to enjoy the fact that right now, at this very moment, things are going ok. Who knows what’s around the corner. Stalled out embryos? OHSS? A failed cycle? Another freaking miscarriage? They’re all possibilities. The truth of the matter is that we have no way of knowing if our luck will hold out this time or not. It hasn’t in the past. Could it this time? Only time will tell. Too bad I’m so freaking impatient.
Icing on the Cake January 25, 2006
I was really hoping that we’d end up with 10 embryos today. Last cycle we had 4 the day after ER, and that just made me too nervous. So, I’ve been sitting here with my fingers crossed for 10 knowing that anything more would be icing on the cake.
I got my fertilization phone call this morning. We actually ended up with 30 eggs, not 28. I guess they found a couple more in there. 22 were mature and 18 of those fertilized with ICSI. I cannot freaking believe we have 18 embryos. I just can’t believe it.
They won’t make the 3 day vs. 5 day decision until the morning of day 3. So the plan is for us to hit the road Friday morning in time to be there at 1:00. They may call us while we’re on the road and tell us to turn around and come back on Sunday.
Obviously it depends on how the embryos are faring on Friday, but I don’t think that they’ll automatically plan on a blast transfer just because we have a good number of embryos. We did a day 3 transfer last cycle, and it worked. I know that fact will play a role in the decision making process. Also, they only do assisted hatching on day 3 embryos, so that’s another thing to consider.
I just want to make it to transfer. I’m all about taking it one step at a time this cycle, and that’s my immediate goal. Most of the time OHSS symptoms don’t start for at least 3-5 days after ER and peak even later than that. Right now I’m doing ok, but I know that how I’m feeling right now is no indication of how I’ll be feeling a few days from now.
I got my Lovenox delivered today, and I’ll start that tonight. The oh so fun PIOs start tomorrow. So for the next couple of days, I’ll be shooting up, drinking Gatorade, and hoping that those embryos hang in there. That’s about all I can do at this point. The rest is out of my hands.
A Personal Record January 24, 2006
We got 28 eggs at ER this morning. That’s more than double the amount we’ve gotten in any previous cycle, and it sure beats the 7 we got last cycle. Obviously they won’t all be mature, but it’s a good start. I’m pretty sore but am faring ok as long as I keep popping Tylenol.
I am back home now and am very glad about that fact. It’s so freaking good to be home.
I’ll get the fertilization phone call sometime tomorrow. Until then I’ll be sucking down Gatorade like it’s going out of style.
The “I’m Too Exhausted to Think of a Title” Post January 23, 2006
Trigger went off without a hitch last night. I triggered with only half the usual dose because of the high E2 situation. Dan’s a pro at those IM shots. He should be by now. He hit the road after triggering me at 11:30 and made it back home around 1am.
After about 5 hours of sleep, I survived my 6 hour jaunt from my parent’s house over to Houston and back this morning for my 2 minute blood test. My E2 from this morning was 7799. It went up from yesterday which is good because they don’t want it falling, but it didn’t go up too much (only about 250) which is very good given the high E2 situation.
I’m doing my best to head off this OHSS stuff with the Gatorade and protein approaches. I’ve learned that not only do protein shakes taste like crap, that my digestive system isn’t really a big fan of them. Gatorade, I like, though, and I’m drinking plenty of it. I’m really hoping that I don’t blow up to the size of a Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade float at some point down the road. Thank you everyone for all of the good anti OHSS thoughts. I think I’m going to need them.
I’m really not looking forward to getting back in the car tonight. Dan is hitting the road after work and swinging by here around dinner time. We’ll then head over to Houston again tonight in preparation for ER tomorrow. So yeah, I’m going over, back, and over again in one day. That’s the only way it would work so that we wouldn’t have to abandon a car in Houston since I won’t be able to drive after ER tomorrow. I have to say that if I never get on the interstate again after this cycle that it will be too soon. The driving is kicking my ass.
I am so ready to be done with the back and forth. I’m looking forward to being able to spend time with my husband again, to cuddle with my kitties again, to sleep in my own bed again. Oh, I cannot wait to get ER over with tomorrow and be able to go to back home tomorrow afternoon. That and the yummy IV drugs should make for a good day.
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