A New Addition to the Family January 20, 2008
Oh, don’t worry. There will be no surprise pregnancy announcements on this blog. Last time I checked you need sperm and eggs for that, and given the whole azoospermia thing plus the fact that I haven’t ovulated since before Adam’s FET there’s no chance of that happening around here.
No, I’m referring to our new furry member of the family. His name is Winston, and he’s a 6.5 month old sweetie. He’s only been here 24 hours, but he’s quickly making himself at home.
I’d almost forgotten what it’s like to have a young cat around. He’s got a ton of energy and is already showing off his personality.
Salvador isn’t exactly happy that he’s got a new brother, but I know that he’ll come around soon. It actually hasn’t been that bad. Salvador’s shared a few words with Winston, but there has been no fighting or slapping. Earlier today Salvador was following Winston’s every move. I have a feeling they’ll be playmates soon enough.
I’m really impressed with how quickly Winston is acclimating. He’s explored the house top to bottom already and has staked out a favorite spot behind the big TV in the living room. He’s a very friendly and sweet cat and is good with Adam. Adam has already grabbed a handful of fur petted Winston, and Winston didn’t bat an eye. I think he’s going to fit in quite nicely.
A Broken Heart and an Empty Lap December 8, 2006
I miss her so much. I know it will get better with time, but oh how I wish so much that she was still here.
The box of her fluids that was delivered two days after she died is still sitting unopened by the front door. I don’t know what to do with it.
All of her “babies” are still right where she left them. They look like stuffed cat toys to the rest of the world, but to her they were her babies. She used to carry them from room to room throughout the day, into the living room when she was out here and back to the bedroom for night time. At the end she was too sick to care for them, but I know how special they were to her. Yesterday I bought a special box in which to store them, but I can’t bring myself to put them up yet.
I just feel so lonely without her. She always kept me company during the day while Dan was at work. I never had to worry about having an empty lap. My lap just feels so empty now.
She was my lap kitty from the very start. My mom picked her out from the animal shelter 15 years ago intending for Muffy to be her cat. That didn’t last long at all. Muffy and I immediately hit it off and that was that. My parents have a picture taken right after we got her of her sitting on my lap. She was so teeny tiny then. I know I’ll always treasure that picture.
I take comfort in the fact that she lived a good life, but it’s still so hard to grieve the fact that she’s gone. I know it’s a process, a slow one at that. And I know that some days are bound to be harder than others. I’m holding onto the fact that it will get easier over time, but it’s just impossible for my heart not to ache right now when it’s still in pieces.
Choppy Seas November 29, 2006
I don’t always expect things to be smooth sailing. I truly don’t. I’ve learned that’s impossible. However, it is hard when things seem to pile on at once.
I haven’t blogged about Thanksgiving yet, because Muffy deserved her own post. That was enough tough stuff to put out there at once. Thanksgiving sucked, though. Boy, did it suck.
My mother in law came into town early which turned out not to be a great thing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like my toes were stepped on more. I spent a ton of time and energy planning everything out in advance, and it was beyond frustrating to feel like someone else was taking over my gig.
Things came to a head right as we were all getting ready to sit down for dinner Thursday night when my MIL turned to me and in a not so pleasant tone said, “Amanda, just relax.” Oh, you know I can’t get enough of that phrase. She kept going, and I lost it and headed toward the bedroom in tears. Dan tried to explain things to his mom, but she laid into him, too. He joined me in the bedroom, and we hung out in there with the kitties while everyone else ate dinner. Lovely, huh?
Things just went downhill later in the evening when we were attempting to “discuss” things with his mom. It was pointless. Hell, she even accused me of hating Dan’s brother. I have no freaking clue where she got that one since there’s not a hint of truth there.
One thing I’ll never forget is that when I mentioned that watching my cat grow closer and closer to death by the day was putting me under a tremendous amount of stress without having to deal with the other drama, she stood up and yelled at me, “This is not about the cat.” Three days later Muffy was gone. If you can’t understand how having my beloved furball go downhill affects me then you’ll never be able to understand me period.
It was all just a mess, and I’m glad it’s over now. I don’t think I’ll be hosting another holiday like that again anytime soon. Or ever for that matter.
The stress of the past couple of weeks is taking its toll. I had an OB appointment today, and I’ve only gained 1.5 pounds since my last visit 4 weeks ago. I had actually gained more but ended up actually losing weight over Thanksgiving. My fundal height measurement is now behind by a week and a half as a result. I know it’s the stress. I’ve cried more tears in the last week than I have in a really, really long time.
I go back to the OB in 2 weeks. Hopefully things will pick up, both on an emotional level and from a weight perspective, by then. I know I have to live the grief that comes as a result of Muffy’s death. Oh, how I miss her so very much. However, I’m choosing not to focus on my MIL’s drama. I’m venting about it to get it out of my system, but there are so many more important things in my life to focus on right now: honoring Muffy’s memory, making sure Salvador is loved and snuggled, taking care of the little guy, and getting through it all with Dan. How can the drama be more important than all of that? It just can’t.
Goodbye Sweet Muffy November 26, 2006
I really wish I didn’t have to write this post, but our dear kitty, Muffy, is no longer with us. The end stage renal failure symptoms kept progressing this week, and she kept getting sicker and sicker. The last thing either Dan or I wanted was for her to suffer, so we took her to the vet today to have her put to sleep.
I know without a doubt that we did what was best for her. She lived a very happy 15 years, and she deserved not to suffer at the end. My heart is just in pieces, though. Oh, it’s such a hard thing to do.
I have no clue what I believe in regards to the whole afterlife thing, but it gives me comfort to think of Muffy and Dixie together again. This is one of my favorite pictures of the two of them. They were the very best of friends.
I really can’t believe that Muffy’s gone now, too. We knew this day was coming, but I still can’t believe it. I just can’t believe Salvador is an only cat now. Just over a year ago we were a three cat family. It’s just so hard to lose both of my sweet girl kitties. They were such a huge part of my life, and they’ll always have such a huge piece of my heart.
I miss you sweet Muffy. I love you, my princess kitty.
Poor Kitty November 12, 2006
I haven’t had much to really say the past few days. Our sweet Muffy is not doing as well as she has been, and it just makes me sad. She’s been refusing her subq fluid treatments lately, and it’s hard. I wish I could explain to her that the treatments are what help her feel better, but all she can understand is that Dan and I stick her with a needle and let fluids run in her.
We did manage to get about two-thirds of her dose in the other night which is definitely a step up from where we had been. She’s just really caught on to the whole process lately and doesn’t hesitate in letting us know that she’s not a fan. I don’t want to torture her. I just want what’s rest of her time with us to be good time. We’re doing our best to make that happen.
I don’t think this would be quite as hard if we hadn’t just watched Dixie go through the whole renal failure thing a year ago. I know what’s down the road for Muffy, and it’s hard to watch her get closer and closer to that.
She’s still hanging in there, though, and despite everything is still a very happy and sweet kitty. I just wish things were easier.
I Hate These Kind of Anniversaries October 18, 2006
One year ago we lost our sweet Dixie to renal failure. I miss her so very much. At random moments Dan or I will say to the other “I miss Dixie.” She was, and continues to be, much loved.
Now we’re watching one of our other kitties, Muffy, deal with the same thing that took our Dixie. Muffy’s renal failure is progressing much more slowly than Dixie’s did. We have time to treat her, and she seems to be doing ok for the time being.
She’s tolerating her subq fluid treatments as well as can be expected. I mean, who can blame her for not really enjoying them, but we can definitely tell that they help her feel better. I have to admit, though, that it is kind of odd to be sharing my sharps container with my cat.
I don’t really talk much about our other kitty, Salvador, because at least for now things are status quo with him. He is loving the fact that we now have a back yard. I take him out every now and then so he can graze a bit. I have no idea why we hired people to cut our lawn when we’ve got Salvador.
So, today is a bittersweet day. I love thinking about Dixie memories, but it’s still hard. Thank goodness we still have our other two. They’re wonderful furballs.
Practice Makes Perfect July 23, 2006
Dan and I have shared the shooting up responsibilities throughout our cycles, but he’s ended up doing the majority of them. That shot giving expertise came into play nicely when Dan gave Muffy her fluid treatment yesterday. I was impressed.
The largest needle I’ve ever had plunged into my flesh is a 22g for the PIOs. Muffy gets an 18g. Ouch. Plus, it’s not like a shot where it’s in for just a second or two. Poor kitty has to sit there for multiple minutes while the fluids drip in. Both she and Dan did a great job, though. I’ve been overwhelmed at the thought of giving her these treatments, but I think we’ll be able to do it. I just hope they help.
On a completely unrelated note, I’m starting to get nervous about our ultra-screen test results. After making 49 embryos, 21 of which made it to transfer, with only 4 of those implanting, with only 1 of those sticking around for more than a few weeks I’d be crazy not to suspect that some kind of chromosomal issue might have been at play.
Oh, and I have a little vent to add, too. The doctor/genetic counselor I saw after my nuchal translucency ultrasound told me that I should think of myself as only having had one loss, because if I was a normal person that’s all I would have known about. What? As far as I know, chemical pregnancies are thought to be caused be chromosomal issues a good amount of the time. Isn’t that relevant? Plus, having gone through seven IVF/FET cycles pretty much knocks me out of the “normal” ballpark, don’t ya think? I won’t even get into the emotional aspects of just trying to erase those from my history. Ugh.
So, yeah. I think I have at least one or two reasons to worry. My age is something I’ve got going for me, but there are several other issues at play here. While the nuchal measurement was in the normal range, I happen to know that it was on the high side of normal. That info doesn’t help.
I know that whatever the results are that they won’t be definitive. They’ll give us our odds, and we’ll go from there. I just hope that things are ok in there. I can’t stand the thought of the alternative.
Best. Invention. Ever. July 13, 2006
My doppler arrived yesterday, and I have to say that I’m in love. It took me a while to find the heartbeat at first, and of course I have to admit that not so wonderful thoughts crossed my mind while lying there searching for it. I finally found it, though, and man that is some sweet relief. I even found it again this morning with minimal searching. I think that’s the best $25/month I’ve ever spent.
It makes me feel better going into my OB appointment tomorrow knowing that things aren’t dead in there. Of course, I still feel totally weirded out by going to a normal OB instead of my oh so familiar RE. I mean, I am so not normal.
Tomorrow is going to be an action packed day. We need to hit the road by 7:00 in order to make it over to Houston in time for my appointment. We also have our house inspection scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I imagine neither one of those are going to be quick. We also have to squeeze in a trip to the insurance company and a meeting with our head builder. We might even manage to find a minute or two for a quick meal while we’re at it. Then it’s back on the interstate for the long drive back home tomorrow night.
I imagine we’ll be stumbling through the door around bedtime, so there probably won’t be any updates posted until Saturday. I really hope things go ok tomorrow. On a different note, here are a couple of updates.
House update: We got our appraisal info yesterday and all looks good. The house appraised for more than we’re paying for it, so we have one more thing we can cross off of the list.
Kitty update: I took Muffy to the vet yesterday for her fluid treatment. She was not a happy camper as evidenced by the slashing she gave my arm. We’re going to do one more treatment at the vet’s office at a time when Dan can accompany us and then we’ll try to do it at home from there on out. I think it will be less stressful for her that way. Hopefully the subq fluids combined with the continued use of her prescription food will keep her feeling ok for the time being.
Furball Update July 11, 2006
I just got back from a quick trip to New Orleans. Dan’s last sitting of his clerkship is this week, so I tagged along for the first half. Unfortunately, I came home to not so great news. I knew the streak could only last so long.
Saturday Dan and I took Muffy to the vet to have her kidney bloodwork redone again. I got her results today, and they weren’t as great as last time. Her numbers stayed stable from December to April but have now started to increase. They’ve gone up enough that the vet wants to start her on fluid treatments. I’m bringing her in tomorrow to start that.
It just makes me so sad to know that my kitty is getting sicker. Renal failure is fatal. We can only hope to keep her feeling well for as long as we can. I know that the fluid treatments will help do that, but oh, it just hurts me to put her through that. I know I need to do what’s best for her, though.
I guess I’ll talk to the vet tomorrow about doing her treatments at home in the future. I think it would be less stressful for Muffy. Now, I’m a pro when it comes to sticking myself with needles. I can do it anywhere at anytime. Sticking my cat is another story all together, however.
I’m sure we’ll figure all the details out eventually. I’m going to attempt to leave that for another day, though. Right now I just want to snuggle my kitty.
I Love Good News April 6, 2006
Last December my sweet kitty, Muffy, was diagnosed with renal insufficiency. It freaked me the hell out given the fact that it was just months after we had lost Dixie to renal failure.
The plan was to put her on special prescription food and retest her levels in a month. We’ve had a hard time with the new food system. She still wakes me up at least once or twice a night, but things are better since we started leaving out canned food at bed time.
Her little body had a hard time transitioning to the new food, and as a result we had to take her off of it and reintroduce it. Then we had to switch to a different brand altogether and introduce that very slowly. Her body is finally doing ok with it as long as I mix a little bit of her old food in with the prescription food.
With all of the food issues, the month wait to retest turned into four. I took her to the vet yesterday to have her kidney function levels run again. It was not a fun experience for our little princess. She was terrified, but she behaved very well. I think she was too scared for the alternative. We found out that she’d lost half a pound since December so that made me nervous. The vet said it could be a result of the change in food, though.
While we were there the vet also gave her a subq fluid treatment in case that was our next step. I was really afraid that it would be.
This morning the vet called with her blood test results and her levels have remained stable since December. Woo hoo! This is good news. He said just to keep doing what we’re doing. We don’t have to start her on the fluids yet. We go back in 6 weeks to have her numbers checked again.
This makes all of the sleepless nights worth it. I’m just so glad that she’s not getting worse yet. I know that day is coming, but I’m just not ready for it right now.
So, yay! My little princess is hanging in there.
Looks Like I Spoke Too Soon March 5, 2006
Well, things aren’t exactly as fixed as I thought they were. I didn’t get a ton of sleep last night or the night before. Muffy woke me up several times each night. I think two things were/are going on here.
One: Muffy has lost interest in the prescription canned food. She didn’t really love it the first time we introduced it to her, but I guess since it seemed new again, she decided to give it another try. She ate it really well the first couple of nights I gave it to her, but the trend has not continued. She hasn’t eaten a ton of it the past few nights and, as a result, has come begging to be fed her crunchy food.
Two: I think she wasn’t feeling too well the other day when she let me sleep through the night. She had been spending more time under the bed that day and just didn’t really seem like herself. It’s obvious that she’s feeling better now and is raring to go during the night.
So, I guess we don’t have a solution after all. Damn. I’m sure we’ll figure out something at some point.
I will be getting a decent night’s sleep starting tomorrow, though. Dan is going on a work trip to New Orleans, and I’m tagging along. It should be nice to get away for a couple of days.
I’m interested to see how New Orleans looks now. We won’t be going into any of the areas that were hardest hit by Katrina, but I wouldn’t doubt if where we do go doesn’t look like I remember from past trips.
I have to admit that I haven’t been doing that well lately. It’s hard. Waiting is hard. Grieving yet another fucking failed cycle is hard. You would think it might get easier the more times you go through it, but I don’t think it does. I think the opposite could very well be true.
Maybe a change of scenery, staying in a nice hotel on someone else’s dime, eating some yummy food, and just getting my head to focus on something other than this crap will help. We shall see.
I Think We’re Onto Something March 3, 2006
After reading all of the comments on my post about how the heck to deal with Muffy wanting fed multiple times during the night and letting those suggestions ruminate for a while, it finally dawned on me what I needed to do. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.
We can’t leave Muffy’s food out overnight because Salvador will eat it. I managed to forget one important detail, though. Salvador doesn’t like canned food. He really wants nothing to do with it. When we first started Muffy on the prescription food, we let her try both the canned and dry forms of it. She seemed to prefer the crunchy kind and that was definitely easier for us since she likes to eat multiple little meals throughout the day, so that’s what we went with.
We still had a couple of cans of the prescription food in the pantry, so I decided to give her some right before bedtime in enough quantity that I knew she wouldn’t eat it all right then. Sure enough, she snacked on it throughout the night, and we made it until 6am before she woke me up to be fed. The second night I left out even more canned food, and we made it to 6:30, an all time record. Last night I gave her even more, and she didn’t wake me up at all. I couldn’t believe it when I woke up at 7:00 on my own!
Hopefully her digestive system will decide that this is an ok arrangement. It’s been so very nice to not be woken up at 3am. I don’t think my husband is totally into this new plan, because he thinks it’s gross to leave out canned food overnight. He doesn’t want bugs to come out of nowhere to feast on it. He’s not the one who’s been losing sleep over this, though, so I say we’re going with it.
These recent happenings have made me very happy, but I think it’s quite pathetic that I woke up touting, “My baby slept through the night!” over my cat. I would very much prefer to be celebrating this milestone with an actual baby. Ok, I’m totally not going to continue down this trail of thought. It could get ugly fast. Let me just be happy of the fact that I’m getting some sleep now. Woo hoo!
The Measure of Progress February 23, 2006
I think sometimes it’s really hard to see that we’re making progress even when we feel like we’re stuck or even moving backwards. Obviously I have no major accomplishment to celebrate at the moment, but I’m trying hard to notice the small things, the things that in the grand scheme of things really do mark progress.
The situation with Muffy has been a little better the past two nights. We’ve made it to 6am which is definitely progress. Tuesday night I just decided to be more stubborn than she was and last night I think I was too tired to even realize if she was trying to bug me to get up.
Oh, and for those who asked, Salvador cannot eat Muffy’s prescription food. That would probably be worse than if she ate his food. In July and November of 2004, Salvador fought two very serious bouts of Pancreatitis. We almost lost him the first time. He wouldn’t eat or drink, was throwing up bile, and ended up in the kitty hospital for a week. He ended up having major surgery. It was a very hard time, and it was a hard recovery for him. Pancreatitis is very hard to diagnose, but once we figured out what it was we put him on a very low fat diet. He’s doing fine now and has not had another episode.
It’s very important that we keep him on a low fat diet so that he never has to go through that again. Muffy’s new food has almost twice the fat content of Salvador’s food. That would not be good for him to eat at all.
We may end up having to put Muffy back on normal food anyway. Her body is having a very hard time adjusting to the new prescription food. We started her off on Hills K/D, but it gave her intestinal troubles. Even after reintroducing it to her at a very, very slow pace, her system never got used to it. We are now in the process of switching her over to Purina NF, another prescription kidney food, to see if she does better on it. So far not so much, but we’re giving it some time. I know the prescription food benefits her, but I’m sure she’d just assume do without the side effects.
On to other areas of progress. There’s that whole infertility thing going on (always, always) that needs to be dealt with as well. Some days are easier than others. Some days are down right impossible.
It’s hard for me when I’m having a down day thinking about the fact that I will probably never get to experience a pregnancy that doesn’t end in miscarriage, one that actually results in a real live baby, to realize that processing that grief is actually progress. But it is. Reevaluating our options for after we do this final FET even though I’m pretty darn sure of my opinion on the matter is also progress. It’s important.
I’m not cycling right now, not even close, but that doesn’t mean I can’t move forward even when it feels like I’m moving sideways or standing still. Sometimes just making it through the day in one piece is progress enough. In the end, I hope I can look back and see how far I’ve come, how much progress I really did make along the way even if it didn’t feel like it. I guess I already can to some extent. I guess that in itself is progress.
Who Says Pets Aren’t Like Kids? February 21, 2006
I love my kitties so very much, but I’m exhausted. Just bone tired.
Muffy was put on a prescription food for her kidneys back in December and since then the only times I have slept through the night were when I stayed over in Houston during this last cycle.
You see, Muffy is used to eating whenever the mood hits her. She’s had 24/7 access to food for all of her 14 years up until this kidney issue came up. She’s really not into waiting until one of us gets up in the morning to eat.
When she wants food, she lets me know. Only me, not Dan. She does this by standing on my head, digging through my hair with her paws, meowing, and generally just bugging the crap out of me. She won’t stop until I’ve gotten up and fed her.
And it’s not like this is a one time a night deal. I have to get up at least twice every night to feed my hungry munchkin, and it’s killing me.
Obviously some nights are worse than others like Saturday night when I had to get up three times to feed the hungry monster and then a fourth time to clean up Salvador’s hairball induced puke. Good thing my kitties are so cute and sweet. I just can’t stay upset with those furballs. Plus, I know it’s not their fault.
Now you would think I could just put Muffy down at the end of the bed or throw her out of the bed altogether and she’d stop. No way. She’s a determined and stubborn little thing. (She must get that from me.) Of course it would seem logical just to lock her out of the bedroom until she learned she can’t eat while we sleep, but we can’t do that. Salvador, our other precious kitty, cannot handle closed doors. He would literally scratch at the door and carpet all night if we closed the door.
I have no clue what to do. I feed her plenty throughout the day and always make sure she eats right before bedtime, but that only gets me to about 3am. My husband says I just need to let her learn that she can’t have food overnight. Well honey, you’re not the one she’s going crazy on when she’s hungry. If I don’t get up to feed her, I don’t sleep at all. Plus, she’s a cat. You don’t train cats. They train you. And yes, it’s apparent to me that’s what we’ve got going on here.
I’m really stuck as to what to do. She can’t eat Salvador’s food and he can’t eat hers so we can’t leave either of them out on the floor overnight. We leave Salvador’s food up on the counter where Muffy can’t get it, so he can eat whenever he chooses (not fair, I know.) I just don’t know what to do about Muffy. I know she needs her special food, but I also know that if I don’t get a decent night’s sleep one of these days I’m going to fall over.
What to do, what to do? Hell, if I know. I guess I should start taking naps.
Time For a Few Updates December 15, 2005
I hate when I leave stuff hanging, so I’m going to try to post the latest on a few things.
Dan never got sick. Lucky bastard. I don’t know how he managed it since everyone else who was exposed to the virus got sick. Very sick. I guess he’s just a tough cookie.
Muffy is doing well. She’s finished her course of antibiotics and is very happy that we are no longer shoving meds down her throat on a daily basis. She is doing well with her new prescription food. It’s been a bit of a challenge to feed two cats two separate foods, but we’ve settled into a bit of a routine. I was afraid she’d have a hard time switching over to the new food, but I mixed the foods for a while and she’s done fine. At the suggestion of our vet, I bought the kitties an automatic fountain water bowl since Muffy is supposed to drink as much as possible. They love that thing.
I am no longer wanting to puke every time I look in the mirror. My body seems to be cooperating a little better. I even got into my skinny pants today. I’ve been working out really hard, and I guess it’s starting to pay off.
As far as the latest goes, I haven’t been sleeping well. I don’t know what’s up with that, but it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’ve been waking up between 4 and 5am every morning and having the darnedest time going back to sleep. I’ve also been having freaky, freaky nightmares. It hasn’t been pleasant.
It looks like this cycle is going to be another longish one. I should still be starting birth control pills by the end of the month, though. Hopefully having all of the holiday stuff between now and then will help that time go by more quickly. I’m definitely ready to get this next cycle started.
Ok, all caught up. I feel better now.
Not Again December 6, 2005
Yesterday I took our kitty, Muffy, to the vet because I found a bump on her side and wanted it checked out. The bump turned out to be a cyst. The vet aspirated it and found no abnormal cells, so the cyst was drained and cleaned out, and Muffy was put on a course of antibiotics. I was so relieved to learn that it was nothing serious.
While we were there I asked the vet to run a full blood work panel on her. She just turned 14 and is now getting to the age where things start to go wrong. It’s not liked I’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary with her, but I wanted to make sure all was well.
Our vet called me back today with the results. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Muffy’s kidney levels are elevated. They’re not so high as to suggest renal failure but definitely higher than they should be. The vet called it renal insufficiency.
As of now we are going to put her on a prescription diet and see how she does on that. She’ll go back in a month for more blood tests.
This just breaks my heart. We just lost Dixie to renal failure and now this. It pains me to think that Muffy might be headed down the same road. I am thankful that I had the vet run that blood work, though. It’s good that we caught it early so we can treat it. I just hope that Muffy is going to be ok. I just can’t bear to think of losing her, too.
♥ October 21, 2005
We’re all missing our sweet Dixie so very much. It’s been one major cryfest since we took her to the vet on Sunday night. The last couple of days have been really, really hard.
I feel badly for my other two kitties who have no clue why she’s not here anymore. I can tell they miss her. They’ve been trying to find her. Salvador has been scratching on the glass of the balcony door asking to go out there to look for her, and Muffy has been poking her head under the covers on the bed looking for her there. Those were her two favorite spots.
I feel the worst for Muffy. Dixie and Muffy grew up together. They had been best friends for almost 14 years. We called them the two-headed cat because they were always curled up together.
Muffy has been glued to me ever since we took Dixie to the vet. Poor kitty. We’ve been trying to make each other feel better as much as possible.
On a completely different note, my period showed up this morning. I guess a little over 6 weeks post miscarriage is about average. I can already tell that it’s going to be a total bitch of a period. Fun.
I am so glad we’re not jumping into another cycle right now. I never, ever thought I’d be thankful for a break, but I am. The thought of starting all of that crap again right now is so not appealing. There is just too much grief flowing through my body to even want to think about IVF. I’m sure my body will thank me for a little time off, but my heart and mind need it even more.
Goodbye Sweet Dixie October 18, 2005
My sweet baby continued to fare very badly today and her blood work results came back even worse than they were on Saturday. It was obvious that she was ready to go. My husband and I got to spend some time with her giving her lots of pets and kisses before we let her go. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
Dixie has been part of my life for over 17 years. We adopted her from the pound when I was 11. She is my baby. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.
Who’s going to curl up in my arms under the covers while I sleep? Who’s going to meow at the balcony door asking to be let out to go lay in the sun?
I know we did what was best for her, and that’s the most important thing. The last thing I wanted was for her to suffer. She had a good, long, and happy life, and she brought so much joy into mine. I will miss her with all my heart.
The grief is overwhelming. Here I am still grieving from the miscarriage and now I’ve lost my beloved furbaby. It’s just too much.
I love you, Miss Dixie. So very much. I’ll miss you, baby.
A Damn Tough Day October 17, 2005
Dealing with a really sick kitty, going in for yet another damn beta, and spending time at the DMV is just really too much to handle in one day. Just too fucking much.
Dixie is not doing well at all. She kept getting worse and worse last night, so much so that we weren’t sure if she would even make it until morning. At around 11:30 last night we packed up and headed to the emergency vet. My poor kitty couldn’t even hold her head up when we brought her in. Oh, how it just breaks my heart.
They ran a ton of blood work and took some x-rays and found that she is in severe renal failure. Her numbers were off the charts. I stood there in tears asking whether or not we should pursue treatment for her or let her go. The vet thought it was worth going ahead with treatment for at least a little while, so they gave her a mega dose of antibiotics, put her on IV fluids, and kept her for the night. This morning we picked her up and took her to the regular vet where they have continued the IV treatment.
I talked to the vet this afternoon, and my baby is doing about the same. She still won’t eat anything and isn’t peeing enough for the amount of fluid being pumped into her, so that’s not good news. I asked if we should keep going, and our vet said yes for now. She’ll stay on the fluids and have her kidney function blood work redone tomorrow or Wednesday to see if it’s helping any. We’ll get another report when the vet goes up to check on her around 10:00 tonight.
My face is beyond tear stained and all I’ve had to eat so far today has been two cookies and a little pudding. Yeah, I’m doing well. This is just too hard.
On a different note, my beta finally came back negative today. 1.3 to be exact. Thank fucking goodness. It only took 6 weeks post miscarriage to drop all the way. Fucking beta.
My IVF coordinator called me with the results and then started talking about plans for our upcoming cycle. I just wanted to cry into the phone that I couldn’t even begin to think about that today. I’ve got enough to deal with right now. More than enough.
A Brief Reprieve From the Funk October 16, 2005
As expected, this past week turned out to be really good for me. I worked my ass off, and we got a shitload done. We got my parent’s front yard, my grandparent’s front yard, and my parent’s neighbor’s front yard done in the first few days. My parent’s next door neighbor is currently in the hospital after having to have quadruple bypass surgery after evacuating from home. It felt good to help out.
We also got a ton accomplished in my parent’s backyard. Almost every one of their trees were down or coming down, so we got a good number of them down, cut up, and dragged to the curb. I cannot even begin to count the number of bags of leaves that we raked up, too.
It also felt good to work, I mean really work. My body is bruised, scraped up, and really sore, but it was so worth it. When I was outside hauling branches or doing one of the other forms of manual labor that made up the week’s work, I didn’t think about this infertility crap once. It was the first time in years that I was able to make that shit disappear at least for a little bit.
Some other highlights from the week included me getting a tetanus shot (boy, does that make your arm sore,) using a chainsaw for the first time (and I didn’t even lose any fingers,) and getting another car. My dad bought a new truck and gave us his car, so my husband and I are now a two car family. We have shared a car for almost 10 years thanks in part to these mounting IVF bills. Our second car will definitely come in handy when I have to make the 8 hour round trip drive to Houston numerous times when we do our next IVF cycle.
So, with things going well and me getting out of my funk, it was only a matter of time before I was brought back into the land of the stressed. I was planning on staying at my parent’s house until Saturday night, but I got a call from my husband when he got home from work on Friday letting me know that our old lady kitty, Dixie, wasn’t doing well. I hightailed it back home as soon as I got off of the phone.
Dixie is 17, so it’s no surprise that she’s not doing well, but it is so hard to watch. She’s fighting some kind of bad upper respiratory infection and is having a very hard time. We took her to the vet first thing Saturday morning, and she got some subq fluids, an antibiotic shot, and some antibiotics and an antihistamine to take at home.
She’s not doing any better today. She won’t eat or drink, can’t walk very much at all, and won’t even purr when I pet her. It’s breaking my heart to watch her just sit there limp and crying. If she doesn’t show any improvement by tomorrow, I’ll be taking her back to the vet.
I know 17 is very old for a cat (in fact, the receptionist at the vet’s office thought I had made a mistake when I put 1988 as her birth year) and I know she has lived a good and happy life. I just can’t stand the thought of losing her, though. I just can’t.
So, dealing with all of that plus coming home to be reminded of all of the other crap that I tried so hard to forget has got me feeling pretty darn badly again. It sucks when happiness is so damn hard to come by.
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