Thanksgiving Post: Take Two November 23, 2005
Let’s try this again. I’m done with my pity party. I hate being a whiny blogger, but I’m just so damn good at it. It’s not one of my favorite traits, though, I must admit.
I’m hoping the Thanksgiving fairy (there’s one of those, right?) brings me my period. Not that I’m a total fan of the whole period experience, but it’s got to beat this raging case of PMS that’s plaguing me at the moment. I swear, I have a major urge to rip out all of my girly organs. Plus then I can schedule my hysteroscopy and get this show on the road.
Wait, was I whining and complaining again? Shit, I can’t even control it when I’m trying.
Sometimes I have to vent to preserve what little remains of my sanity, but there comes a time when I really must give myself a big kick in the ass. Yeah, things aren’t always rosy, but there is more to life than constantly dredging up the bull shit.
So, I’m going to attempt to have myself a good holiday weekend. It might be hard at times when my inner scrooge comes out to play, but I’m going to make an effort.
I hope all of my blogland friends have a very happy Thanksgiving. I sure am thankful for all of you guys.
Sometimes It’s Hard to Feel Thankful November 22, 2005
I know I have many things that I am thankful for, but I’m finding it hard to feel thankful in general. It’s just one thing after another these days, and it’s enough to wear me down.
Should I be thankful that after five IVF/FET cycles that I finally got pregnant past the initial positive beta stage only to miscarry a matter of weeks later? Should I be thankful that I lost my sweet kitty companion of 17 years? Should I be thankful that I got to watch a massive hurricane tear through the city where I grew up and where my parents and other family members still live?
Should I be thankful that I got an email from my mom letting my know that they had to put one of our family cats to sleep yesterday, a cat who I had found in middle school and had grown up with? Obviously this is not as hard as losing my sweet Dixie, but it’s still hard.
There have just been so many shitty things happen these past few months. How can I be thankful that my world has been turned upside down too many times to count?
When I take a step back it is possible for me to focus on the things that I am thankful for, though. I’m thankful for my hubby. I’m thankful for my kitties. I’m thankful that my family is ok. That even though Rita ripped that city to pieces, that they’re ok. I’m thankful for all of my friends who I’ve met through the internet.
I wish I could just focus on the good stuff. I’m trying, but it’s so hard sometimes. I’m sure the fact that I’m majorly PMSing at the moment doesn’t help. That never helps. I just want to be happy and not worry about the bad stuff. I’m not even necessarily asking for the universe to start treating me well, just to leave me alone for a little bit. Just some peace and quiet would be enough to make me feel thankful.
Climbing Back on the Wagon November 20, 2005
Thank you. How the hell I would make it through all of this crap, especially the really low points, without my blogland friends is beyond me. When I was way down in the rut on Friday, it was impossible to remember that it was normal to feel that way given the circumstances . Thank you for reminding me that I was not a total freak for feeling that way.
I woke up with a lovely hangover Saturday morning but decided that wasn’t going to stop me from attempting to climb back on the wagon. I got my ass on the treadmill and worked out. Yeah, I felt like total shit doing so, but it was necessary. I worked out again this morning and managed to walk three miles. Not bad.
I’ve also relegated the vodka bottle to the back of the fridge and am back on my no sweet treats diet. It is ok to indulge every now and then, but I am so bad about the whole moderation thing. Soooo bad. So, it’s just easier if I abstain altogether.
I’m feeling better. No, I’m not skipping around with a big smile on my face, but I’m definitely doing better. One thing that’s helped is doing stuff. I’ve had a pretty darn productive day today, and it feels good. I feel so beyond unproductive reproductively speaking right now, and that depresses me to no end. Getting some other stuff done helps a little.
It definitely takes effort to keep from feeling the need to crawl into a cave. Sometimes all the effort in the world isn’t enough. Sometimes it helps, though. And sometimes you’ve got to crawl into the cave in order for things to look brighter when you crawl back out.
I’ve Fallen Off the Wagon November 18, 2005
Just a warning. I’m posting drunk. I cannot be held responsible for what follows. Oh, and just so you know up front, this is a major venting post. Anyone who wants to tell me to get therapy can just save their breath.
I haven’t been doing that well lately. I’ve fallen into a big giant rut, one that is very hard to climb out of.
It’s no big secret that I’ve been depressed lately. Hell, I lost a potential baby and my sweet furball in a matter on months. Who could blame me for feeling like shit?
It’s gotten worse lately, though. I’m just not functioning the way I should be. It’s like I’m watching myself fall apart, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.
This evening I went to the store and bought a package of cookies and a bottle of vodka. What can I say? Desperate times call for desperate measures. I almost made it to the three week mark of the no sweet treats diet, but that’s all been thrown out the window now.
I know self medicating is not a real solution. I freaking know that. It’s just going to have to do, though.
Sometimes I really hate living in my body, living in my head. It’s hard. It’s hard waiting for good things to come and then never having those dreams realized.
Maybe this is why I haven’t had a kid yet. Maybe the world doesn’t need another me.
It will get better. I know it will. I won’t let it get to the point of no return. I can’t. How much more shit will I have to put up with, though? Why does it have to get harder before it gets easier?
Scratch That November 15, 2005
Please disregard my previous post. I’m just a big whiner. I mean seriously, there are a ton of worse things than having your pants fit a little tighter than you would like. Hell, I’ve got real things I could complain about like the fact that I’m missing my kitty so much or that every time I think about how much I want to get pregnant again the whole miscarriage thing pops into my brain. Weighing a little more than I’d like to is small potatoes when you think about it.
I guess sometimes it’s just nice to vent. I haven’t been Miss Suzy Sunshine lately, more like a big Grump-a-mump. Sometimes it’s hard to deal with it all. Even the little things start seeming like big things. It helps to get it all out.
The Scale Can Kiss My Fat Ass
I’m trying. I really am. It’s not working, though. I’ve been working out consistently (and by consistently I mean a minimum of three days per week, usually at least four) since the week after my miscarriage. That’s a total of nine weeks of good solid exercise.
Plus, I’ve been faithful to my new endeavour, the no sweet treats diet. I have eaten no candy, cookies, brownies, cake, ice cream, etc. for 2.5 weeks now. It’s definitely not been an easy undertaking, but somehow I’ve managed to keep it up. This has meant not only forgoing the pleasure of filling up my shopping cart with yummy snacks on a regular basis but also not allowing myself to buy any half priced candy the day after Halloween (unheard of in my world). Plus, I was the only one not to order dessert when we went out to dinner while we were in Houston. Do you know how hard it is to sit and watch other people eat scrumptious desserts? (Ok, it’s a tad bit easier when you’re drunk.)
Speaking of alcohol, with the exception of my Houston trip, I’ve cut that out, too. What else is there? I’m exercising, not eating yummy treats, and forgoing alcohol. That should be enough, right?
I guess I’m getting my due because I’ve never really had trouble losing weight in the past. There was no reason to think that it could last forever.
I think the whole pregnancy/miscarriage thing has reset my body. Before all of that, my body had a set weight where it liked to be. It was really into the homeostasis thing. Every now and then I might lose a pound or two or gain a couple, but my body always went back to that set weight.
It seems to be doing the same thing now except my new homeostasis point is five pounds heavier than it used to be. Blah. I’m not happy about that at all. I know it could be worse than five pounds, but those five pounds really make a difference on my body. I’m little. I’m short and have a tiny frame. You can tell when I’ve gained five pounds.
It’s more about how I feel about my body, though. It all goes back to how my self esteem is tied into my body image and all that good stuff. I know if I let the magic number (or not so magic in this case) slip, I probably wouldn’t gain much sympathy. Honestly, I’m not technically overweight. That’s not how I feel, though. I’m overweight for me.
So, I guess I’ll keep on with my new diet and exercise plan. I’m not enjoying it one bit, but I’d like to think that it might work one day. I told myself that I had to lose this weight before my next cycle. Who knows if that’s actually going to happen, but I won’t be able to say that I didn’t try.
Although, I guess I could switch to my husband’s strategy. When I whined to him that I was making all of this effort and that it wasn’t making any difference he said that I might as well just enjoy my yummy sweet treats then. He’s such a good influence. I know those Snickers are calling my name…
Nope, I’m not gonna do it. I can’t hear you, Snickers. La, la, la.
Ready to Get Back on the Horse November 13, 2005
I’ve been very anti IVF lately. I guess that the whole miscarriage/death of a pet double whammy thing will do that to ya. Taking a break was not only a good idea, it was essential.
Throughout this break I’ve been waffling on the whole IVF thing. I guess that’s pretty natural considering. It’s hard enough to decide to do IVF in the first place. Going through five attempts with nothing to show for it makes that decision even harder. I mean, I am sick of many aspects of IVF: feeling like a guinea pig, handing over thousands and thousands of dollars, getting my heart stomped on over and over. You know, none of that is much fun.
I’ve felt my outlook on IVF change the past few days, though. I’m ready now. I’m ready to go through it all one more time. I’m not exactly looking forward to going through all of the total bull shit that accompanies an IVF cycle, but I want another shot.
It’s really hard for me to sit here and know that my body is ovulating and doing all that good stuff while knowing that there’s absolutely no chance of me getting pregnant right now. Sometimes I consider that a good thing, because I don’t get my hopes up on natural cycle. But most of the time it’s a bad thing, because I have no reason to get my hopes up.
I want to do another IVF cycle, because I want that chance. I don’t expect to finally put the rabbit out of the hat, but I want to be able to at least try.
I still have over a month before I’ll be starting birth control pills for this next cycle, so I have more of a wait to get through. I’m ok with that. It just feels good knowing that I’ll be ready when the time comes.
Home Again, Home Again November 11, 2005
It was nice getting away for a few days, and it was nice being back in Houston again. I don’t think I mentioned where we were going, but that’s where we were. I got to go to some of my favorite places while I was there, so that was fun. I had fun with a little retail therapy, too, although upon reflection I realized that I didn’t buy anything for myself. Oh well. That’s how it usually goes.
I also got to hang out with one of my IF friends. Melissa and I have been posting together on an IF board since before our first IVFs way back when. I even had the pleasure of meeting her once before when I lived in Houston. It’s always nice to sit down with a fellow infertile, one you know really gets it. Melissa and I had had a fun afternoon of yummy food, even yummier margaritas, and great conversation.
Wednesday night we went to dinner with my husband’s old law firms friends. That was fun as well, especially since I got really drunk had an opportunity to enjoy some more tasty beverages. Of course, I paid for it yesterday, but it was fun while it lasted.
It was nice being back in Houston. I think I’m ready to move back. Of course, I could do without all of the valet crap and fancy smancy stuff that comes along with staying in a nice hotel downtown . (I mean, I’m not complaining about being able to stay in a nice hotel. Just about all the BS that comes along with it.) I’m a park my own car, carry my own bags, fold down my own comforter, down to earth type of gal. (Plus, is it really ok to pay $18 for cereal and juice? I mean, that’s just crazy to me.) Anyway, I guess I’m just more comforable in my jeans and t-shirt world. It guess a change is nice sometimes, though.
We had a good time, but it’s nice to be back home now. I missed my kitties tons. I always miss them when we’re away, but I missed them even more this time. I’ve been holding my kitties really close since Dixie died. It’s good to come back home to furry snuggles.
It’s kind of weird feeling like going to Houston was going home but then coming back here was also going home. I guess I don’t really have a city that I call home right now. Home is just where my husband and kitties are. I guess that’s how it should be.
Time for a Much Needed Getaway November 7, 2005
Right off the bat, I want to thank my husband for his post. It took some nagging encouragement to get him to do it, but I really think he enjoyed it once he got going. He even sent me an instant message after he had finished writing it asking me what he should entitle his category. I was like, “You want your own category?” He replied that he thought he might post again someday. Fine by me.
Dan left yesterday to go out of town for work. I’m leaving tomorrow to go join him. I probably would have gone the whole time, but I didn’t want to leave the kitties for too long.
Sure it’s not a real vacation, but it’s as close as we get these days. I’m not about to complain about being able to stay in a very nice hotel for a few days while someone else foots the bill.
I’ve been in a bit of a funk again lately, so it will be good to get away for a little bit. I’m still having trouble with my damn body. I’ve been exercising a lot, and I’m still sticking to my no sweet treats diet. (I’m currently on day 10. Who would have thought I could go this long without sticking candy, cookies, or ice cream in my mouth?) It’s still not doing a ton to help, though. Blah.
I’m still grieving, too. I guess I didn’t really think I was, but last night as I lay in bed sans husband with my two kitties up to other things in other parts of the apartment, it hit me how much I’m still grieving Dixie’s passing. She would have been curled up in my arms right then if she wasn’t gone. All I could do was cry. I miss her so much.
I know all of this takes time. It takes time to mend a broken heart. It takes time to heal a broken body. I know I just need to keep on keeping on. I think a little break will be nice, though. I think a little retail therapy couldn’t hurt either.
I Want My Body Back November 2, 2005
My body just hasn’t been the same since the miscarriage, and it’s driving me a tad bit crazy. It’s not like I was a huge fan of it beforehand, but I’m even less now.
One of my major issues at the moment is my weight. The weight I gained during this last cycle just won’t come off. I’ve been working out, and I even cut all the yummy things I live for (candy, ice cream, cookies, etc.) out of my diet. Nothing.
I’ve always gained weight during IVF cycles, but in the past I’ve been able to drop it with no problems. In fact, I’ve always seemed to lose it all during the two week wait. That was actually one of the differences this time around that led me to suspect that it might actually have worked. I didn’t lose a single pound during the 2ww.
I really thought that I’d be able to lose it after my hormones had settled down a bit after the miscarriage. Nope. I really think my body has changed now, and I’m not liking it.
Another issue I have is with my skin. While I was pregnant it was awesome. Now I’m breaking out like I’m a teenager. Damn hormones.
It sucks that I got some of the crappy pregnancy mementos but none of the good stuff. I mean, I’ve got the weight gain thing going on, and I got to deal with some fun contractions of my own, but I didn’t get the newborn baby part.
Oh, and while we’re on the topic of contractions, the nurse who told me to expect period like cramps during my miscarriage can kiss my ass. Um, hello. Those mother fuckers were contractions. Not something I’d recommend experiencing if all you’re going to get out of it is the passage of a sac. There’s no way I’m going through that again unless I know there’s a live baby to be had at the end of it. Ok, stepping off my soapbox now.
Back to the topic at hand. I want my skinny, clear skinned body back. I know it’s superficial, but I really don’t think it’s too much to ask given the shit I went through to get this way in the first place.
Whew. That felt good to get that off my chest. Nothing like a good vent to make you feel better.
Oh, and I have an editorial note to share. I will be having a guest blogger this week. My husband has agreed to blog about all of this crap from his perspective. A while back, Carrie asked how I thought dealing with male factor infertility affected my husband. (Sorry it took me so long to get to this, Carrie. I’ve been a big slug lately.) I thought, well why not just have my husband answer that. So, he’s going to. I don’t know what day he’ll be posting, but I’ve been promised it will be this week. It’s always good to hear different perspectives, and I’m sure my hubby will have an opinion or two to share about all of this.
More Plan B Ramblings November 1, 2005
I have to say that I feel really good about our Plan B. It was definitely a process to get to this point, but it feels damn good to get here.
Last night my husband and I watched a short video that was included in one of the agency info packets that I had requested. Afterwards we talked some more about Plan B. You know, I think if it was up to my husband that Plan B would become the new Plan A. I think he’d rather just bypass this last IVF cycle all together.
Sometimes I think I might be inclined to agree. There are a few issues keeping me from doing that, though. One major one is the wait. Since we can’t start the process for a year, we’re looking at approximately a 2.5 year wait. That’s so freaking long.
Sometimes it feels like we’re doing this next cycle because we’ve got nothing better to do while we wait. At least we’ll be doing something, ya know. We’re definitely not going into it thinking we’ll pull the miracle pregnancy out of the hat. I guess, for me, it’s a way of finally being able to close the door. I guess I need a final farewell cycle.
Going into this IVF crap, we had a plan. That plan has definitely changed over time. I don’t think it’s realistic to go into IVF thinking that “we’ll only do two cycles” or whatever number you want to stick in there. It’s not like we didn’t do it, but it just doesn’t work that way.
Some people are lucky and never have to readjust their plan. They get their take home baby on cycle #1 or 2 and don’t have to reevaluate the situation time and time again. There are others of us who aren’t that lucky. After you use up your preplanned number of cycles and are left empty handed, you have to do some real soul searching. Not to say that you don’t have to soul search in order to jump into the IVF world in the first place, but, for me, the major soul searching began after we had gone through a number of failed cycles.
I know that I couldn’t have come to this place after cycle #2, 3, or 4. It’s obvious from my previous posts that I wasn’t even close. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that adoption is something that we think is a good option, but that we’re just not there yet. Well, we’re there now, and I know that we had to go through five cycles to get there. We couldn’t have gotten here anyway else.
Sometimes it’s easy to regret throwing all of this time and money away trying IVF again and again. I have to remember that this is how it had to be. I wouldn’t be in this place if things had gone any other way.
So, we will be doing this final farewell cycle. I guess there’s a chance, albeit a small one, that it could work. If it does, great. If it doesn’t then that’s ok, too. We’re now at the point where we’re not focusing on a kid with my husband’s eyes, or my hair, or our color of skin. We just want to be parents. And we will be.
The Infamous Plan B Post October 27, 2005
If there’s one thing that’s apparent about me, it’s that I’m a major fan of having a Plan B in place. I just did a Google search of my blog and came up with 56 hits for “plan b” and 33 hits for “backup plan.” That’s a lot of posts that I have devoted to the topic.
It’s important to me, though. It has been from the very beginning. It’s a way of knowing that no matter what happens, it won’t be the end. Options are so important.
My Plan B has changed over the years. (Oh, how I hate to say years. We’re coming up on the 4 year mark, and it makes me sick.) Anyway, it has changed, and that’s a good thing, I think. Each leg in this “journey” has affected Plan B. That’s the way it should be.
I’d be lying if I said the miscarriage didn’t affect our plans for the future. Of course it did. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant this last cycle, then I doubt we’d be doing another. Even Dixie’s passing affected how I feel about all of this trying to conceive business.
With all of that said, it’s time to unveil the current Plan B. We will be doing another fresh IVF cycle in January. I’ll be having a hysteroscopy done with my November period and then will be starting birth control pills with my December one. Since I’ll be doing the shorter microdose Lupron protocol this time, complete with a much shorter stint on BCPs, ER/ET should fall in the latter half of January assuming my cycles cooperate from here on out. (I’m not totally assuming that since I have no clue what my body will end up doing post m/c, but that’s a rough estimate.)
This will be our last fresh cycle. Yes, I’ve said that before. The thing is, though, that this time I actually mean it. Before I said it because either my husband agreed to no more or because it seemed like the smart thing to do financially speaking or for who knows what other reason. However, my unspoken philosophy has always been, “We’ll do this however many times it takes.” I really felt like I could keep going indefinitely.
I no longer feel that way. Finally, I know in my heart that this will be the last time. We will of course do a FET if we are unsuccessful with the fresh cycle and actually have something to freeze this time, but I am so not counting on that.
If we do not find success this time (and I mean live baby success, not getting pregnant success) then that will be it. We will close the door on IVF for good. It will be time, and I am prepared for that. We can’t keep doing this forever. I can’t keep doing this forever.
The truth is that I am tired. So freaking tired. This IVF crap is wearing me out both emotionally and physically. I figure I’ve had over 250 injections over the course of my cycles so far, and of course countless blood draws and ultrasounds. I’ve had so many freaking tests, many of which were beyond painful. (Can we say HSG and hysteroscopy?) My body has been through the ringer.
Let’s not forget the emotional ups and downs.
- Oh look, things are going so well. Surely you’ll get pregnant this cycle. Oh, not so much.
- Oh look, you got a positive beta. Surely you’ll get a doubling beta this cycle. Oh, not so much.
- Oh look, you got a doubling beta. Surely you’ll have great ultrasounds and actually stay pregnant this cycle. Oh, not so much.
Yeah, the trend isn’t great. It takes a toll.
Where was I going with this? Ah, yes. Back to Plan B. We will do this last cycle (and any possible FETs- yeah, right) and then say goodbye to IVF for good. I’m actually down on cycling again at the moment, but I know I need to do it. I know that I need to say that I tried everything I could before we walk away from IVF, because when we do, we won’t be going back. Once the door is closed, I don’t ever, I mean ever, want to open it again.
So, what’s the actual Plan B? China. Adoption has always been on our list of options we’ve been considering. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve researched adoption, checked out books from the library, spent hours and hours pouring over adoption websites, etc. I’ve done it throughout all of this IVF crap. Only now does it feel right. And it does feel right.
Adopting from China would mean taking a break for a couple of reasons. Most importantly, we’re not old enough yet. You have to be 30 when you submit your dossier to China. We’re not quite there. Most agencies recommend getting the ball rolling on the home study and dossier when the youngest member of a couple is 29.5. That would be about a year from now for us. Also, we’re most likely moving out of state in approximately 10 months. That throws even more wrenches in the scenario even if we were over 30 right now.
So, if this IVF doesn’t work then we will take some time off. We will do what people do when they’re not stuck in trying to conceive hell. (What’s that again? I’d have to go back and relearn that part.) We would most likely move in September of ‘06 and then start the adoption process a month or two later.
The wait would be worth it for us. I’ve looked at other countries in depth (we’ve always felt international was right for us) and China is at the top of our list for numerous reasons. Many of those reasons are practical (stability of program, predictability of process, support network of other families in US) but more than that, our hearts are drawn to China.
One thing I’ve learned throughout all of this is that it’s important to do what feels right. I can do countless hours of research, educate myself on anything and everything, but it’s the feeling deep in my core that lets me know when something is right for me and right for our family. A lot of times that feeling hasn’t been there, my core has been empty. I haven’t known what to do. Right now, I know. It’s that knowledge that’s going to get me through all of this. Whether it’s Plan A, Plan B, or Plan Z, we will have a child. That I know for sure.
Home Sweet Home October 26, 2005
I never expected to miss living in Houston, but I do. If you had told me that I would be missing it down the line when we first moved there, I would have thought you were insane. I do, though.
It’s just easier to live in a big city. You don’t have to drive a million hours to get to a good IVF clinic, you don’t have to spend a full day traveling to visit the in-laws for the holidays because you have to fly out of a tiny airport or drive 4-5 hours to get to a major one. Any weekend of the year you can find a Broadway show, a ballet, or some other kind of wonderful performance to attend. You can actually find good grocery stores. There are just so many options in a big city.
It’s not just that I’m missing Houston, though. I’m ready to get out of Lafayette. There are just too many sad memories here. I miscarried in this apartment. We lost our dear sweet Dixie here. It’s just too much.
I’m ready to move. Obviously, that’s not going to happen right this instant. My husband’s clerkship doesn’t end for another 10 months. We’ll be here at least that long.
Dan and I have been discussing it, and it looks like there’s a good chance that we’ll be moving back to Houston after his clerkship ends. He’s leaning towards going back to the firm. There are definitely pros and cons to that, but it looks like it might be the best thing in the long run.
I think it’s a good idea for a number of reasons. The only down side in my mind would be that Dan would be back to working long hours. That’s never fun. It’s still something to consider.
I think it would be good to move. I just don’t feel like I’m at home here. It’s too unsettling to feel that way all the time. I guess only time will tell where we’ll end up, but it sure would be nice to find a place we’re comfortable enough in to really call home.
♥ October 21, 2005
We’re all missing our sweet Dixie so very much. It’s been one major cryfest since we took her to the vet on Sunday night. The last couple of days have been really, really hard.
I feel badly for my other two kitties who have no clue why she’s not here anymore. I can tell they miss her. They’ve been trying to find her. Salvador has been scratching on the glass of the balcony door asking to go out there to look for her, and Muffy has been poking her head under the covers on the bed looking for her there. Those were her two favorite spots.
I feel the worst for Muffy. Dixie and Muffy grew up together. They had been best friends for almost 14 years. We called them the two-headed cat because they were always curled up together.
Muffy has been glued to me ever since we took Dixie to the vet. Poor kitty. We’ve been trying to make each other feel better as much as possible.
On a completely different note, my period showed up this morning. I guess a little over 6 weeks post miscarriage is about average. I can already tell that it’s going to be a total bitch of a period. Fun.
I am so glad we’re not jumping into another cycle right now. I never, ever thought I’d be thankful for a break, but I am. The thought of starting all of that crap again right now is so not appealing. There is just too much grief flowing through my body to even want to think about IVF. I’m sure my body will thank me for a little time off, but my heart and mind need it even more.
A Damn Tough Day October 17, 2005
Dealing with a really sick kitty, going in for yet another damn beta, and spending time at the DMV is just really too much to handle in one day. Just too fucking much.
Dixie is not doing well at all. She kept getting worse and worse last night, so much so that we weren’t sure if she would even make it until morning. At around 11:30 last night we packed up and headed to the emergency vet. My poor kitty couldn’t even hold her head up when we brought her in. Oh, how it just breaks my heart.
They ran a ton of blood work and took some x-rays and found that she is in severe renal failure. Her numbers were off the charts. I stood there in tears asking whether or not we should pursue treatment for her or let her go. The vet thought it was worth going ahead with treatment for at least a little while, so they gave her a mega dose of antibiotics, put her on IV fluids, and kept her for the night. This morning we picked her up and took her to the regular vet where they have continued the IV treatment.
I talked to the vet this afternoon, and my baby is doing about the same. She still won’t eat anything and isn’t peeing enough for the amount of fluid being pumped into her, so that’s not good news. I asked if we should keep going, and our vet said yes for now. She’ll stay on the fluids and have her kidney function blood work redone tomorrow or Wednesday to see if it’s helping any. We’ll get another report when the vet goes up to check on her around 10:00 tonight.
My face is beyond tear stained and all I’ve had to eat so far today has been two cookies and a little pudding. Yeah, I’m doing well. This is just too hard.
On a different note, my beta finally came back negative today. 1.3 to be exact. Thank fucking goodness. It only took 6 weeks post miscarriage to drop all the way. Fucking beta.
My IVF coordinator called me with the results and then started talking about plans for our upcoming cycle. I just wanted to cry into the phone that I couldn’t even begin to think about that today. I’ve got enough to deal with right now. More than enough.
A Brief Reprieve From the Funk October 16, 2005
As expected, this past week turned out to be really good for me. I worked my ass off, and we got a shitload done. We got my parent’s front yard, my grandparent’s front yard, and my parent’s neighbor’s front yard done in the first few days. My parent’s next door neighbor is currently in the hospital after having to have quadruple bypass surgery after evacuating from home. It felt good to help out.
We also got a ton accomplished in my parent’s backyard. Almost every one of their trees were down or coming down, so we got a good number of them down, cut up, and dragged to the curb. I cannot even begin to count the number of bags of leaves that we raked up, too.
It also felt good to work, I mean really work. My body is bruised, scraped up, and really sore, but it was so worth it. When I was outside hauling branches or doing one of the other forms of manual labor that made up the week’s work, I didn’t think about this infertility crap once. It was the first time in years that I was able to make that shit disappear at least for a little bit.
Some other highlights from the week included me getting a tetanus shot (boy, does that make your arm sore,) using a chainsaw for the first time (and I didn’t even lose any fingers,) and getting another car. My dad bought a new truck and gave us his car, so my husband and I are now a two car family. We have shared a car for almost 10 years thanks in part to these mounting IVF bills. Our second car will definitely come in handy when I have to make the 8 hour round trip drive to Houston numerous times when we do our next IVF cycle.
So, with things going well and me getting out of my funk, it was only a matter of time before I was brought back into the land of the stressed. I was planning on staying at my parent’s house until Saturday night, but I got a call from my husband when he got home from work on Friday letting me know that our old lady kitty, Dixie, wasn’t doing well. I hightailed it back home as soon as I got off of the phone.
Dixie is 17, so it’s no surprise that she’s not doing well, but it is so hard to watch. She’s fighting some kind of bad upper respiratory infection and is having a very hard time. We took her to the vet first thing Saturday morning, and she got some subq fluids, an antibiotic shot, and some antibiotics and an antihistamine to take at home.
She’s not doing any better today. She won’t eat or drink, can’t walk very much at all, and won’t even purr when I pet her. It’s breaking my heart to watch her just sit there limp and crying. If she doesn’t show any improvement by tomorrow, I’ll be taking her back to the vet.
I know 17 is very old for a cat (in fact, the receptionist at the vet’s office thought I had made a mistake when I put 1988 as her birth year) and I know she has lived a good and happy life. I just can’t stand the thought of losing her, though. I just can’t.
So, dealing with all of that plus coming home to be reminded of all of the other crap that I tried so hard to forget has got me feeling pretty darn badly again. It sucks when happiness is so damn hard to come by.
In a Major Funk October 7, 2005
I haven’t been doing fabulously the past few days. I know the symptoms of depression well, not because of my lovely degree in Psychology which I never use, but because I’ve lived it. I can feel myself slipping back into that dark hole, somewhere I never ever want to go again.
It’s not a good thing that I haven’t been able to do the simplest tasks or make the simplest decisions. It’s not a good thing that I’ve popped a Vicodin each of the past couple of days just to make me feel a little better. It’s not a good thing that I’m just not me right now.
I have no doubt that the change in hormones that happens when you go from being pregnant to no longer being pregnant helped jump start all of this. I’m sure the grief that accompanies a miscarriage doesn’t help either.
I know how bad this is, but I also know how bad it isn’t. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it does for me. I guess what I mean is that I can recognize what’s happening to me and what’s not good about the situation, but I can also recognize that the situation is not at the critical point right now. I’ve been there before, and I am not there right now. I guess this is my way of saying that I’ll know when/if I need outside help. I’m not there yet.
I guess it’s not surprising to take someone with not only a family history, but a personal history, of depression and put her through the hell I’ve been through and have her end up being depressed. I guess what I’m surprised about is that it’s taken this long to hit me.
I know I’ll be ok. I have no doubt. I will come out of this in one piece. Like everything else, it’s just going to take some time.
The good news of the week is that my parents and grandparents are now at home. They got power back and made the trip home on Wednesday. I’m sure they are all relieved to be sleeping in their own beds again.
My husband and I are making the trip over there tomorrow morning to help with the clean up effort. My husband will be coming back home on Sunday because of work, but I’ll be staying all week. I really think this will be good for me for a number of reasons. It always makes me feel good to help other people. Plus, it will be good for me to get outside and work my ass off. I’ve been working out a lot lately, but doing manual labor outside will do me good. I think the distraction from all of this infertility stuff won’t hurt either.
This is just another bump in the road. It’s a pretty big one, but there is more road to be traveled on the other side. I will make it over the bump and keep on my merry way someday, hopefully someday soon. I haven’t let any of the other bumps stand in my way, and I won’t let this one either.
Could This Drag On Any Longer? October 4, 2005
I really thought that my beta today at 4 weeks after my miscarriage would be negative. Hell, I thought it would be negative last week, but it came back at 17. You would think a week would be long enough for it to drop down from 17. Oh, but no. Things can’t be that easy.
Today’s magic number was 5.65. It has to be less than 3 to be considered negative. Do you think my RE’s office is going to let me get away with forgoing another beta? Nope. I have to go back again. Fuck!
It’s been six weeks since we learned that we weren’t going to have a happy ending from this last cycle. I’m ready to move on. I don’t feel like I can really do that when I have to keep going back for blood work every week. Who’d have ever thought I’d be wishing so much for a negative beta?
One More Time October 3, 2005
I think that’s the mantra of a lot of IVF vets, me included. Oh, you know where this is going, right? We’ve decided to do another cycle.
When we started with this IVF crap, we decided that we would do two fresh cycles and any FETs we could get from them. That was it, and we’d move on. After we had gotten through our two fresh cycles and resulting two FETs and still hadn’t found success, we decided that we’d do one more fresh cycle with a new RE so that we wouldn’t have any “what ifs” to worry about with regards to only doing cycles with one clinic. That was really going to be it, though. No more.
Well, we got pregnant. We had finally made it after all of that crap. And then as soon as it had come, it went away. It changed things, though. How could it not?
So, even though we said never again, we will be doing another fresh cycle. Shit, who would have thought I would have to add an IVF Part 6 category to my blog? No one ever thinks that it’s going to be them who ends up doing multiple IVF cycles. No one ever expects the worst, at least not at first. If you had told us before we had started our first cycle that we’d be doing a fourth fresh cycle down the road, we would have never believed it.
This is our reality, though. We’re not ready to give up, so on we go. I literally had to shake on it that this really would be the last fresh cycle, though.
We still have a few months to wait because of all of this miscarriage business, but it’s nice knowing that limboland will not last forever. We have another chance. Who knows what will happen with it. We may be devastated once again. The truth of the matter is, though, that it won’t ever work it we do nothing, so we’re going to give it another shot. Just one more time.
At an Impasse No Longer September 29, 2005
All of this hurricane stuff has taken the focus off of our infertility crap a bit. I haven’t been thinking about it as much (oh, I’m still thinking about it, just not 24/7) and I don’t think I’ve been talking about it as much. I’ve even been keeping some important happenings on the down low.
A couple of days before Rita hit, my husband and I had a conversation in which he revealed that he was no longer thinking in the “I’m done” mindset. He told me that he wasn’t sure what road he thought we should take from here on out, but that he wasn’t giving up.
Giving him time to deal with all of this shit was just what he needed. He told me that just because we deal with things differently, it doesn’t mean that we aren’t on the same page. It was hard to see that while we were in the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage, but it’s true. We both still want to have a child. We are both definitely on that same page.
We haven’t made any definite decisions about doing another IVF cycle, but the lines of communication are wide open. Even though we have been through so much shit and faced disappointment after disappointment, there are still possibilities worth exploring. We are not done fighting. Maybe we’re determined, maybe we’re just hard headed, but we are not going to let this infertility crap win.
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