You Think I’d Be Better in the Patience Department by Now September 27, 2005
I had yet another beta today, and it’s still freaking positive. 16, to be exact. I really thought it be all the way down by now, but I guess not. Fuckity fuck. That means I have to go back again next week. You know I’m looking forward to that. This miscarriage stuff is just dragging on for far too long. It’s frustrating to not be able to close the book on this cycle yet.
My parents were able to find out a little more about their house. Apparently they have damage to their carport in addition to the other stuff. It looks like it’s going to be a while before they can see it with their own eyes, though. They have not announced yet when the parish will be reopened, and it’s looking like it could be up to a month before power is restored in Lake Charles. I don’t think it will be that long before they let people return home, but it’s going to be quite a while.
We’re seeing the affects of Rita here even though it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was in the parishes to the west of us. I met my husband for lunch today and noticed (how could you not notice?) that a humongous tree had fallen on the house across the street from the courthouse. The entire front of the house was smashed. Also, on the way to and from my beta appointment this morning I saw big convoys of national guard troops and equipment in the middle of town.
I so wish there was something I could do right now. I sent my family a care package with toys for the boys and a gift card for my parents, but that is so not enough. I know I’ll be able to help more once we can get into Lake Charles, but who knows how long that will be.
I’m a tad on the stressed side right now. I guess that’s to be expected. I can literally feel the tension in my shoulders. You know, I bet I could convince my hubby to give me a massage tonight. That’s got to help.
Not Another One (Now With Update) September 22, 2005
It looks like another biatch hurricane is going to hit the Gulf coast, and it looks like we’ll be on the edge of this one, too. I guess we’re actually still in the “cone of uncertainty” for this one. Those weather people love that term. They use it all the time. Right now it looks like it will hit just on the east side of Houston, though.
I really don’t know how we ended up being about halfway between where Katrina hit and where it looks like Rita will hit. We live 135 miles west of New Orleans, and 215 miles east of Houston. It looks like we moved out of Houston just in time.
I’m nervous for my old hometown and the people who live there. The only family we have in Houston is my brother in law, and he has already evacuated to Baton Rouge, thank goodness. I know some of our friends have gotten out, but I’m not sure about others.
I’m scared about what might happen to the city. Houston floods really badly. A lot of it flooded from Tropical Storm Allison in 2001. I can only imagine what a category five hurricane might do.
Another concern at the top of my list is the safety of our sperm. I know that sounds weird, but I really am worried. We have three vials of sperm left from my husband’s surgery being stored at my RE’s office in Houston. It’s not like that is replaceable, since I’m not about to ask my husband to go through all of that again.
I’m assuming that our RE’s office has a good backup power system in place. It’s scary to think of what might happen in a prolonged power outage situation, though. I saw someone posting on IVFConnections wondering about her frozen embryos that were stored in New Orleans. Can you imagine losing those?
I know it’s not something I should be really worried about, but I can’t help it. I know that our RE’s office is top notch, so it’s not like they wouldn’t take the proper precautions. It’s just that the thought of losing that sperm is just too much to handle. (Oh, yes. I’m sure this says a lot about where I am in terms of dealing with what comes next.) Anyway, I’ll just be keeping my fingers crossed over here and keeping a watchful eye on Rita.
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I’m so nervous. My parent’s parish has just been put under a mandatory evacuation. The path of Rita has shifted to the east, and they live in SW Louisiana. They’re packing up everything right now and will be heading to Fort Worth, TX today. They’re trying to get my grandparents to come with them, but my grandparents are fighting it. My mom’s not supposed to drive more than 30 minutes at a time because she just had surgery, but they have to take both cars, because they’ll be taking along the two youngins and their five cats (and hopefully my grandparents). I can’t imagine my parent’s losing their house, the house we all grew up in. So scary. I’m glad they’re getting out of town, though. We only live an hour east of them, so if Rita shifts any more to the east, we’ll have to leave, too.
PITA Beta September 20, 2005
Post miscarriage betas are pretty much torturous on their own, but today’s was even more so. My blood draw totally sucked. After much poking and prodding by the phlebotomist on the vein in my left arm accompanied by a few choice words by me, she declared it non compliant. It didn’t want to give up a single drop. I guess that vein is so used and abused that it has decided to retire. Thankfully my right arm cooperated.
This afternoon I called the RE’s office here to get the results. I was told that I couldn’t have them. They said that they had faxed them to my RE in Houston and that I had to call them. So I did, only my RE in Houston hadn’t received the fax. I then called the RE here back to request that they fax it again. Ugh. Such a pain in the ass. I mean, it’s my info. Shouldn’t it be a tad bit easier for me to get it?
I finally got my results, though. Today’s magic number was 73. That’s much better than last Tuesday’s 594. I have to go back in another week to see if it’s fallen all the way down. It better be getting close, because I’m running out of arms.
At an Impasse September 18, 2005
There are two words that I never wanted to hear uttered from my husband’s mouth. This morning I heard them. “I’m done,” he said, and he truly meant it. He didn’t just mean with IVF. He meant with everything. No more cycles, no adoption, no nothing.
How, as someone who knows without a doubt that they want children, do you deal with that? I know in my heart that I was meant to be a mother. That yearning for a child just cannot be turned off. I want it so very badly.
My husband, like many men, has been keeping stuff bottled up inside. This morning, it all came out. He’s hurting. We’re both hurting. We’re just dealing with it in very different ways.
This morning was tough. How can that not be tough? I know that my marriage is strong enough to survive this, though.
All I can do now is love my husband and give him time. I need to do the very thing that I am worst at, be patient. Oh, that’s so hard, but I know it’s what he needs. He needs me to back off, and I’m going to try my hardest. It’s just so contradictory to what comes natural to me. I need to push on, but right now I don’t have anything to push on to. I know that I need to do this patient thing right now. The pushing on will have to take a back seat for the time being.
I can only hope that my husband will change his mind. That after he’s had a break from all of this that he’ll reconsider moving forward with IVF or adoption or something else that will hopefully get us closer to our child. I know I can’t just tell him what to do or how to feel, though. That’s just not fair to him or to our possible future child.
I haven’t given up hope. I can’t. A piece of my heart is missing, and I can’t give up until it’s filled. I can give my husband what he needs right now, but I will not give up on that dream.
We all know that infertility is tough on a marriage. The further you travel down that road, the harder it gets. It’s no surprise that after almost four years trying to conceive, nearly two years of infertility treatment, and five IVF/FET cycles that it’s getting really tough. I know that we’ll make it, though. I have no doubt.
I honestly don’t know how this will work out. Only time will tell. Until then I will hold my husband close and hope with all of my heart that we come through this even closer than we already are.
Follow Up Fun September 15, 2005
I had my follow up over the phone this afternoon. I’ve learned not to expect answers from these things. I mean, there really aren’t any to be had.
I talked to my RE about how to proceed should we choose to do another cycle. I really don’t need to do much additional testing, because I’ve had it all. I would need to have another hysteroscopy done because of the miscarriage factor, though.
We discussed protocol options. He suggested using a microdose Lupron protocol in hopes of getting a better response than last time. I asked about doing a pure FSH stim since I had a better response during my first cycle in which I stimmed with only Gonal-F. I also think the additional LH could be affecting my lining. I don’t know if that could actually be the case, but on the cycle where I stimmed with only FSH my lining got to a nice plush 12mm. On both of the cycles where Repronex was used, my lining actually shrunk towards the end of stimming and ended up being not as thick as I would have liked. I don’t know if it would make a difference, but if we do decide to do another cycle I think going back to an FSH stim might not be a bad idea. My RE did point out that my lining thickness this cycle obviously wasn’t a factor since I did get pregnant. Good point, but I still think eliminating the Repronex is worth considering.
We also discussed how much of a break I should take. He wants me to have two or three rest cycles, so it looks like ER/ET would be in January if we decide to take the plunge again. I’m not big on waiting, but my body probably does need a break. Plus, I’m not about to do another cycle where beta ends up being a week or two before Christmas. No siree. That sucked. The truth of the matter is that we need time to be able to decide what comes next anyway.
I did appreciate the fact that my RE didn’t make me feel like this was our fault. My previous RE had a knack for doing that. I didn’t get the donor sperm speech or the donor egg speech. Not that those aren’t options worth considering, but my former RE used the donor sperm speech as a way to deflect any responsibility for our failed cycles. I hated that. I also wasn’t told that it wasn’t worth trying again. Although, I did get the “silver lining” talk. You know, the “well, you did get pregnant, blah, blah, blah” stuff. I was fully expecting that, though.
So now comes the hard part. Do we or don’t we? I really do think we’ll be able to answer that question in the weeks to come. Obviously there’s no rush. We’ll have to search our hearts to see if we can take another cycle emotionally, break out the checkbook and calculator to see if our finances can stand yet another bigillion dollars going to the RE’s office, figure out the logistics of cycling out of town, a new one for us, and most importantly just decide if this is what feels right in terms of what comes next. It won’t be easy, but is this crap ever easy?
That’s an Empty Ute September 14, 2005
My ultrasound went well this morning. There was no retained tissue, my ovaries were clear, and my lining was thin. It was definitely empty in there. I was relieved, though. The thought of medical intervention after going through the stuff I’ve already gone through was not something that I wanted to deal with.
I found out my actual beta number from yesterday, too. It was 594. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be that high if there’s nothing left in there, but hopefully it will continue to fall at a decent rate. I have another beta scheduled for next Tuesday, so I guess we’ll find out what it’s up to then.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading and thinking the past few days. It’s definitely a process to go about trying to figure out how you feel about what comes next. As part of all of that, I did some thinking about the comments to this post. Please excuse the discombobulated nature of what follows.
The age factor does play a role in all of this. On one hand, we should have an advantage since we’re young, I’ve got youngish eggs, etc. On the other hand, it’s frustrating that it’s not working even with all of that going for us. It makes it harder to walk away because it should be working. Along with that comes the fact that no one can tell us why it’s not. I think if someone could give us a reason why that it would be easier to accept that our chances aren’t great.
Technically speaking we do have time to make this decision since we’re still young. However, we’ve waited long enough. Hell, we’re coming up on the four year mark of this trying to conceive business. I don’t want to take a break. The waiting is one of the hardest parts for me. I want our child yesterday. That’s why I’ve been able to cycle back to back this past year.
It’s been ingrained in a lot of our brains that if you work hard enough and long enough that you can do anything. That’s the tough part about IVF. That just doesn’t apply. It’s hard to accept that.
Now with regards to our other options: donor sperm, adoption, etc, I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to fully put my heart into any of those things unless I close the door on IVF. That’s just me. I can see the appeal of knowing that the option is available in the future, but I don’t think I’ll be able to move on if I don’t say the end with regards to IVF.
I think sometimes it does make it harder to consider other family building options after we’ve been given the opportunity to do IVF/ICSI. I think it might have been easier if we would have never had that choice in the first place. Not that I’m not thankful for the opportunity. That’s totally not it. I just think switching gears from trying to conceive a biological child to something else is harder since we’ve come so close with IVF. I mean, we’ve have conceived with my eggs and my husband’s sperm. We just haven’t made it to the live baby part.
That’s another thing. It’s hard for me to think that my only experience with pregnancy might be miscarriage. That’s really hard to wrap my brain around.
I know I’m just rambling, but it helps to get all of this stuff out. Thank goodness for my blog, because I’m sure I’d drive my husband crazy talking about all of this stuff all the time. Hell, I do anyway, but it would be much worse.
Thank you for all of your comments and insight. It’s so helpful to know that I’m not the only one that’s been put in this position. Although, I hate that any us have to be here. I’m glad that each of us has been or will be able to determine the right thing for our families. That’s what ultimately matters most.
The Not So Fun Beta September 13, 2005
Not that any betas are fun, but some are definitely worse than others. I had to go in for my first post miscarriage beta this morning, and it sucked big time. I’m so sick of RE’s offices. I’m also sick of being in between RE’s offices.
I’m getting stuff done at the RE’s office here so I don’t have to make the 8 hour round trip drive to Houston to get things done with my actual RE. It’s nice not having to make the drive, but it sure is a pain in the ass other ways.
Today, they didn’t call me with my beta results. They just faxed them to my RE in Houston. At least they did that. However, it’s very hard for my RE’s office to get through to me here due to the problems with the post hurricane phone lines. It only took my IVF coordinator eight tries today.
Anyway, my beta came back in the 500’s. I didn’t get the exact number because of this lack of communication issue. Now I have to go and get an ultrasound done tomorrow to make sure there’s no retained tissue. Fuck.
When I called to schedule the appointment with the RE here, I got the run around because I’m not an actual patient. Like I need that on top of everything else.
Oh, and another thing that really added to my fun today was seeing “abortion, spontaneous” on my lab sheet. That just made me feel peachy.
I eventually got an ultrasound appointment scheduled for tomorrow, so hopefully we’ll find out what’s going on. I swear, if I have to have a D&C after going through the hell of a natural miscarriage, I am going to freak.
On another note, I fully intend to respond to some of the comments on my last post. You guys really gave me a lot to think about. I’m just not up to it today. The past fews days have been really, really hard. I really do want to post about it at some point, though.
So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for whatever would be good news tomorrow. I really don’t want to have to deal with a “retained tissue” situation, but I also don’t want to deal with a beta that won’t fall fast enough without any real reason.
I have a follow up over the phone scheduled with my RE on Thursday. At least I’ll actually get to talk to someone about what the hell is going on. Right now I just feel like I’m in limbo.
Look! They’re On Sale! September 11, 2005
That’s about as good an idea as I can come up with. It’s either that or steal one. My husband says I can’t do that, though.
I’ve been making a major effort to educate myself about our various options. I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff online, I’ve ordered some books on adoption and donor sperm, and have basically just tried very hard to make myself realize that IVF is not the only thing out there. It’s hard, though.
After we found out about the impending miscarriage, I was 100% for doing another IVF cycle. Then something changed after going through the physical process of miscarrying. I mean, going through that hell definitely has the power to change a person. I started thinking about and researching adoption. I started trying to wrap my brain around the use of donor gametes.
This IVF stuff is a hard habit to break, though. Even though I’ve been focusing on other options recently, I woke up this morning wanting to do another cycle so badly. I guess it’s hard to understand unless you’ve been through multiple failed IVF cycles. I mean, if I was someone on the outside looking in, there’s no way I could understand why someone like me, who has been burned by IVF so many times, would even consider doing it again. I am, though. I just can’t help it.
It’s like we’ve gotten so close. Each time we’ve done a fresh cycle (those stupid FETs don’t count,) we’ve gotten closer to the ultimate goal. IVF #1: BFN, IVF #2: chemical, IVF #3: miscarriage. Who knows what IVF #4 could bring. That’s the thing, though. There’s just no telling. We could finally hit the jackpot or be right back in hell. I’ve never considered myself a gambler, but I guess I really am.
It’s so hard to invest so much emotionally and financially and then be able to walk away from it all. I think that takes so much strength. I look at others who have done it and am in awe.
This decision would undoubtedly be easier if we weren’t talking mega bucks. What I wouldn’t give for some freaking insurance coverage. Obviously we’ll be adding to our $50K total no matter what we decide to do. We just have to decide how much we’re willing to spend and how big a gamble we’re willing to take.
I hate that money has to play such a huge role in our decision making process, but it does. Shit, sometimes I just want to keep going until there’s nothing left. I know I can’t, though. We’re already pushing it. All of the money that should be going to massive student loans has gone to IVF. We’ll be paying those things off until we’re senior citizens. I can’t even bring myself to say how much we have left.
I know that one of these years we will decide what comes next. I don’t expect it to be easy. I have no doubt that it will be many times harder than the decision to get on the IVF roller coaster in the first place, and to be honest, I’m not really looking forward to having to go there. Can’t I just get one of the babies in the ad instead?
Magic Words September 8, 2005
Last night was hard. My husband and I were both not in the best of moods. It’s really hard to pick yourself up off of the floor and still have the energy to pick your partner up, too.
One of the hardest parts for me is seeing how hard all of this is on my husband. It really is ok that I don’t get pampered right now, because he’s hurting, too. It’s hard to be there 110% for your loved one when you’re struggling to make it yourself. I understand that. I know that the most important thing is that we stick together.
Last night before we went to bed my husband took me in his arms and told me that it wasn’t over. That he’s not giving up. He said that he didn’t know what he wants to do next, but that there will be a next. That’s all I wanted to hear. I cried when I heard those magic words.
I know there will be ups and downs in the days to come. Today is a down day. I’m feeling like total crap, but I have to be mindful of the fact that today is not everything. Today is just today. Tomorrow I may feel better, at least a little bit.
I finally spoke to my IVF coordinator this morning. She said she couldn’t get through yesterday, and I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt since the phone lines have been wonky around here post hurricane. I found out that I need to have weekly betas done starting Tuesday until my levels drop all the way down. I’ll also be having a follow up consult with my RE over the phone next Thursday.
I’m not sure how I’m feeling about everything. A few days ago I was sure I wanted to do another IVF cycle. Now, I don’t know. I do know that I’m allowed some time to find my way. I do know that it’s going to be impossible to know for sure how I feel about things until a little time passes. Things will come together eventually. I don’t know how or when, but I know they will.
Frustrated September 7, 2005
So many things are frustrating me right now that I feel like my head might explode. I called and left a message for my IVF coordinator in Houston first thing this morning so I could figure out when I’m supposed to go in for a beta and if I need to have an ultrasound done. I’m going to get that stuff done here, but I need to know what and when, etc. Well, she never called me back. This miscarriage cost us a fortune, and I can’t even get a phone call about how I’m supposed to proceed now? Lovely.
My husband is also frustrating me. I love my husband with all my heart, but he’s not reacting to this whole miscarriage thing as I expected. I’m not talking about how he feels about the whole situation emotionally. I’m talking about how he’s treating me.
Last night he complained about having to fix dinner. I’m sorry, I just didn’t feel up to it. Plus, it was heating up leftovers. Give me a break. Then, I practically had to beg him to come help me with all of the stuff I do before bedtime, like feeding the cats, cleaning stuff up, etc. I didn’t want to have to ask for help. I wanted to be taken care of. I didn’t want to have to say, “I had a miscarriage today. Can I get some freaking help around here?” Oh, and I did actually say that.
I just want to be pampered a little. I think if he had come home yesterday to find me curled up in a ball on the floor writhing in pain he might have acted a little differently. Instead, by the time he got home I had survived the worst of it and was feeling much better thanks to my friend, Mr. Vicodin. I don’t know if he really gets what I went through. Maybe he does and just doesn’t know what to do. I know he’s dealing with his own stuff, too, but I honestly went through hell yesterday, and I’d like to think I deserve a little bit of special treatment because of it.
Plus, I’m getting a freaking cold sore or something on my lip. I know it’s because of the stress, but all it does is stress me out more. Like I don’t feel disgusting enough with these extra five pounds sitting on my gut.
Oh, and speaking of disgusting, can I just say that I HATE PADS! Holy shit, I hate those mother fuckers. I think miscarriage would be easier to deal with if tampons weren’t on the forbidden list. The last time I bought pads was in middle school. I’m not liking the flashback one bit.
Whew. I feel better now. I guess it’s good to get all of that off of my chest. I know this is all stuff that will pass. I guess it’s just when things hit all at once that it gets upsetting. Plus, I think I’m dealing with some hormone crash related crankiness.
It’s weird that I can bitch and moan and still feel lucky. I do, though. I’m glad I have a home to hide out in through all of this. I can’t imagine having to be anywhere else yesterday. I’m glad that I was strong enough, even though I didn’t feel like it at the time, to make it through that hell yesterday by myself. I’m thankful I have a husband who envelopes me in hugs even though he can be a pooterhead sometimes. And I’m thankful that I can look ahead, to what I’m not sure, but that I can imagine the possibilities of the future even when I’m a bit on the cranky side.
Do Not Try This At Home September 6, 2005
Holy crap. Today sucked. Yesterday I started bleeding, and today the wrath hit. Of course, my body decided to miscarry while one dose of Vicodin was wearing off and the next had yet to kick in. Oh, my.
I really don’t get why people say that a miscarriage is like a crampy period. That was true for my chemical, but miscarrying at 8.5 weeks is another story all together. I was expecting some pain, but I could have never imagined what it was really going to be like.
It was so much more than cramps. Those mother fuckers were contractions. I alternated between rocking back and forth on the toilet and writhing in pain on the bathroom floor. It was so bad.
After so much of that hell that I really didn’t think I was going to make it, I finally passed the sac. It was so much bigger than I expected. Scary stuff.
I know one thing. I will never go through that again. If I ever have the misfortune of miscarrying again (please, oh please, don’t let that happen) I will be signing up for a D&C in a heartbeat. This crap is hard enough without having to survive utter agony.
I think the worst is behind me now, though. I’m doing so much better now. Of course, I’m doped up on Vicodin, thank goodness, but it’s still obvious that my body is happy to be done with the expelling portion of the event.
Hopefully my body did its job completely. It sure as hell better have after all of that. I’ll have to go back and have betas done to watch my levels drop, so that should be fun. I’m just hoping that I’ve survived the worst of it. I really, really don’t want to experience any more of that any time soon.
What Now? September 5, 2005
I talked to my mom the other night and that was what she asked me. I told her that we honestly have no clue. Oh, how I wish I had an answer to that question, though.
It’s very obvious to me that my husband and I are dealing with things differently. That is so ok, but we definitely have different coping styles. For me, it’s easiest to get through the bad times if I have something to look forward to in the future. With no Plan B in place, it’s much harder. My husband, on the other hand, needs time. He doesn’t even want to start thinking about what comes next for quite awhile.
I have been trying really hard not to push, because I know it’s important for him to handle things in his own time, but I have to tell ya that I’m getting a little antsy. It’s not like a decision has to be made anytime soon because my body won’t be ready to do anything for two or three months anyway, but it still makes me feel restless. I want to be able to have something in sight, something to focus on while I make my way through this hell. I know it’s just as important, though, for my husband to have time off from thinking about this stuff.
I’m sure one of these days we’ll find ourselves on the same page. I sure hope so anyway. I guess the thing that scares me the most is that he’ll be ready to call it quits before I will. I can tell you right now that I’m not ready to be done. I’m not even close to being ready to walk away from my dream of having a child. I don’t know what will come next, but I don’t think I could handle walking away from everything with nothing to show for it.
I know we have options, and I know we’ll discuss them. They’re the same options we’ve always had: do another IVF cycle, look into donor sperm, or get off the trying to conceive roller coaster and start the adoption process. I know what I want to do, but I’m only half of the equation.
Right now I’m going to focus on a few things:
- Getting through this whole miscarriage business in one piece (which may be easier said than done).
- Giving my body at least a little break (Hell, I’ve cycled back to back for a year. I think it deserves it.)
- And losing the five pounds that I gained this cycle that are currently making me feel beyond disgusting.
I guess everything else will come in time. I just hope I’m not certifiable by then.
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