Doing What I Do Best Most
March 19, 2006
Yeah, that would be waiting. I am such a pro at that now. I don’t like it any more than I did when we started this crap, but the wait never seems to disappear.
Right now I’m waiting for my period to show up so I can get this long ass FET protocol started. My cycles are always pretty long after a failed cycle or chemical, so I’m not surprised that I’m still waiting. That doesn’t make me any less impatient, though.
I guess my life is pretty darn boring when I’m not cycling or in beta hell or miscarrying or anything else of that nature. Let’s see, today I did our state income taxes and unclogged the shower drain. Boy, now that’s something I can blog about.
You know what scares me the most about the possibility, no make that the probability, of this FET failing? What it will mean in terms of waiting. If I think this one month wait to cycle again is tough, I have no clue how I will make it through the wait to start the adoption process (assuming that’s the road we take which is what I’m assuming at this point) not to mention the wait of the process itself. I’m going to have to have someone put me in a coma or something.
Waiting drives me crazy because it feels like I’m making zero progress. In fact, sometimes it makes me feel like I’m actually going backwards.
After this FET is over we will have been waiting four and a half years. Can I survive another two after that? I guess I won’t have much choice in the matter, will I?
I guess I just need to focus on the “one step at a time” thing. It’s hard, though. The wait can just wear a person down.
***Note to self: Don’t use strikethroughs in post titles. Apparently Bloglines doesn’t pick up HTML in post titles and thus your title ends up making no sense whatsoever.
Big Easy Photo Album March 12, 2006
I wanted to take more pictures in New Orleans than I actually did, but since most of my out and about time was done solo, I didn’t always feel comfortable whipping out my camera and writing tourist across my forehead. Not that it’s not safe to go out by yourself during the day, but it is a big city and things have changed since Katrina.
The damage around the city wasn’t hard to find. (All pictures are clickable to enlarge.)
Here’s a building with significant damage that I snapped a picture of on the way out of town.
This is a blurry shot of a totally blown over billboard taken while we were driving on the interstate.
Blown out windows were a common sight.
Fencing down along the side of the road.
Piles of debris along side a building. Proof that there is still much work to be done.
This high rise with massive window damage is right by the Superdome.
Speaking of the Superdome, here’s a shot of that infamous building. It’s scheduled to reopen in late September.
A refrigerator thrown out on the curb, a common site after a major hurricane. In Lake Charles after Rita they took all of the discarded refrigerators all to one location. It was quite a sight to see such a massive fridge graveyard.
I don’t know if anyone remembers the reports of fire in the French Quarter in the aftermath of Katrina, but here’s where that building used to be. It was right across the street from the hotel we stayed at.
The streets of the French Quarter were so empty in places that it was eery.
This photo speaks volumes to me. An entirely empty section of Cafe Du Monde with members of the waitstaff sitting in the background. I never thought I’d ever see that place not buzzing and overfilling with customers.
It wasn’t all depressing. Beignets and hot chocolate from Cafe Du Monde can put a smile on just about anyone’s face.
All I can say is YUM!
The Saint Louis Cathedral was just as beautiful as ever as we strolled past it after our beignet feast.
The sight of this gorgeous arrangement of roses inside our hotel lobby was a nice little pick me up every day. I loved looking at them because they reminded me so much of the roses we used in our wedding.
This shot taken from our hotel room was a nice reminder that rebuilding is taking place and progress is being made.
After seeing what New Orleans looks like six months after Katrina, I can only imagine what it looked like immediately afterwards. It truly is humbling. New Orleans will rebuild, though. People down here are tough. I’m sure it won’t ever truly be the same, but I’m looking forward to a time when the streets are bustling with people and music once again.
Putting Things Back Into Perspective March 9, 2006
I remember the feelings I had when Hurricane Katrina hit over six months ago and then again when Rita hit. Katrina hit New Orleans and the surrounding areas between the time that I found out on ultrasound that things were over with my pregnancy and the time that I physically miscarried. It was such a difficult time, but the aftermath of the storm gave me perspective. It all just hit so close to home. Rita hit even closer to home since it affected my family directly.
I got the same overwhelming feeling driving into New Orleans on Monday that I did the first time we drove into post Rita Lake Charles. The feeling of loss was just palpable. It’s so hard to see that damage firsthand.
New Orleans is definitely different now. I mean, how could it not be? A lot of things struck me about how things look now, but a major one was the lack of people. It’s not like the city is empty, but I’m so used to the crowds of New Orleans that it just felt weird there this week. It was eery.
It’s sad to see how many places are still closed. Those local business make their livings off of tourists, and it’s sad that that’s not happening right now.
Last night we walked down into the French Quarter and walked by Jackson Square and the Cathedral to get to the restaurant we were going to eat at. It just felt empty. Usually there are a bunch of artists in that area and many street performers ranging from musicians to mimes. There was not a single one there yesterday evening. Not one.
I did try to have a good time while I was there, though. I ate a lot of yummy food. You have to do that in New Orleans, ya know. Unfortunately I got sick from some Mahi Mahi on Monday night and wished I was dead, but I made up for it the rest of the trip. I skipped lunch on Tuesday in an attempt to recover from the night before and played it safe with some chicken for dinner but feasted on some fabulous chocolate hazelnut mousse for dessert. Yesterday was a magnificent food day consisting of a fried oyster poboy for lunch and gumbo for dinner followed by the heavenly beignets from Cafe Du Monde for dessert. I had been drooling over the thought of those beignets since I found out we were going to NO, and they didn’t disappoint. Those are always a highlight of any New Orleans trip.
After dinner last night we stumbled upon the shooting of Deja Vu. We already knew that Denzel Washington was staying in our hotel (although we didn’t ever get to see him) because he was making a movie in town, and we found it. We didn’t get to see much movie action, because they were restricting the area some, but we did get to watch a helicopter that they were obviously filming sweep down and around the Cathedral over and over again.
Also, on Tuesday I managed to come back into the hotel at the same time as the entire Hornets professional basketball team. I’ve always felt short with my 5′3″ frame, but stepping into an elevator filled with pro b-ball players made me feel teeny tiny.
I managed to do a little shopping, although a lot of stores still hadn’t reopened, and I walked down and spent an entire afternoon at the D-Day museum. It was great.
You know, I didn’t use this trip as a way to escape infertility for a few days. I still read blogs and posted on my boards. I even brought one of my adoption books along. I didn’t need to escape that.
I did need to put in all in perspective, though. There were people, including one of the judge’s former clerks who we ran into in the lobby, who are living at the hotel we stayed in, and I’m sure in hotels around the city. That’s their home now because they lost absolutely everything in the hurricane. Can you imagine that? And think about all of the people who aren’t fortunate enough to be able to afford to live in a hotel, people who cannot afford to return to their hometown. It’s all very sad.
We didn’t venture into the hardest hit areas of the city, but I saw enough to really leave an impact on me. It all served as a reminder to appreciate what I have and not to constantly focus on what I don’t.
Looks Like I Spoke Too Soon March 5, 2006
Well, things aren’t exactly as fixed as I thought they were. I didn’t get a ton of sleep last night or the night before. Muffy woke me up several times each night. I think two things were/are going on here.
One: Muffy has lost interest in the prescription canned food. She didn’t really love it the first time we introduced it to her, but I guess since it seemed new again, she decided to give it another try. She ate it really well the first couple of nights I gave it to her, but the trend has not continued. She hasn’t eaten a ton of it the past few nights and, as a result, has come begging to be fed her crunchy food.
Two: I think she wasn’t feeling too well the other day when she let me sleep through the night. She had been spending more time under the bed that day and just didn’t really seem like herself. It’s obvious that she’s feeling better now and is raring to go during the night.
So, I guess we don’t have a solution after all. Damn. I’m sure we’ll figure out something at some point.
I will be getting a decent night’s sleep starting tomorrow, though. Dan is going on a work trip to New Orleans, and I’m tagging along. It should be nice to get away for a couple of days.
I’m interested to see how New Orleans looks now. We won’t be going into any of the areas that were hardest hit by Katrina, but I wouldn’t doubt if where we do go doesn’t look like I remember from past trips.
I have to admit that I haven’t been doing that well lately. It’s hard. Waiting is hard. Grieving yet another fucking failed cycle is hard. You would think it might get easier the more times you go through it, but I don’t think it does. I think the opposite could very well be true.
Maybe a change of scenery, staying in a nice hotel on someone else’s dime, eating some yummy food, and just getting my head to focus on something other than this crap will help. We shall see.
Lost Faith February 27, 2006
I’ve been doubting myself a lot lately. I’ve been wondering if I’m putting up a strong front while not truly being strong. I’ve been wondering if I’m just fooling myself and everyone else.
The other day I had about convinced myself that was what’s going on. After I gave myself a few days to cool off and come to my senses I realized that’s not really the case.
I don’t know why I have such a hard time giving myself credit. Boy, do I have a hard time with that. I never feel strong enough or skinny enough or happy enough. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough wife and I have serious doubts that I’ll be a good enough mother. Yeah, you could say that I have some self esteem issues.
Some days, like today, I can take a step back and see that I really am ok. I truly have gained perspective and strength from going through all of this crap. Other days, it’s hard to see that. It’s hard to believe that.
I really need to learn that it’s ok to have faith in myself. I think that’s a hard thing to teach yourself, though.
I’m thankful that I have a husband who has faith in me regardless of whether I have it in myself. He reminds me of how much we really have survived throughout all of this. He reminds me of how it’s made us better. He tells me that after everything I’ve been through that there’s no way that I’m going to be a bad mom. He reminds me that I want it so much more than most people do.
I think traveling the hard road really does force you to be introspective. It forces you to confront the things you don’t like about yourself. But it also lets you see, if you let it, the things that make you proud, the things that give you faith in yourself. I just need to let it.
The Measure of Progress February 23, 2006
I think sometimes it’s really hard to see that we’re making progress even when we feel like we’re stuck or even moving backwards. Obviously I have no major accomplishment to celebrate at the moment, but I’m trying hard to notice the small things, the things that in the grand scheme of things really do mark progress.
The situation with Muffy has been a little better the past two nights. We’ve made it to 6am which is definitely progress. Tuesday night I just decided to be more stubborn than she was and last night I think I was too tired to even realize if she was trying to bug me to get up.
Oh, and for those who asked, Salvador cannot eat Muffy’s prescription food. That would probably be worse than if she ate his food. In July and November of 2004, Salvador fought two very serious bouts of Pancreatitis. We almost lost him the first time. He wouldn’t eat or drink, was throwing up bile, and ended up in the kitty hospital for a week. He ended up having major surgery. It was a very hard time, and it was a hard recovery for him. Pancreatitis is very hard to diagnose, but once we figured out what it was we put him on a very low fat diet. He’s doing fine now and has not had another episode.
It’s very important that we keep him on a low fat diet so that he never has to go through that again. Muffy’s new food has almost twice the fat content of Salvador’s food. That would not be good for him to eat at all.
We may end up having to put Muffy back on normal food anyway. Her body is having a very hard time adjusting to the new prescription food. We started her off on Hills K/D, but it gave her intestinal troubles. Even after reintroducing it to her at a very, very slow pace, her system never got used to it. We are now in the process of switching her over to Purina NF, another prescription kidney food, to see if she does better on it. So far not so much, but we’re giving it some time. I know the prescription food benefits her, but I’m sure she’d just assume do without the side effects.
On to other areas of progress. There’s that whole infertility thing going on (always, always) that needs to be dealt with as well. Some days are easier than others. Some days are down right impossible.
It’s hard for me when I’m having a down day thinking about the fact that I will probably never get to experience a pregnancy that doesn’t end in miscarriage, one that actually results in a real live baby, to realize that processing that grief is actually progress. But it is. Reevaluating our options for after we do this final FET even though I’m pretty darn sure of my opinion on the matter is also progress. It’s important.
I’m not cycling right now, not even close, but that doesn’t mean I can’t move forward even when it feels like I’m moving sideways or standing still. Sometimes just making it through the day in one piece is progress enough. In the end, I hope I can look back and see how far I’ve come, how much progress I really did make along the way even if it didn’t feel like it. I guess I already can to some extent. I guess that in itself is progress.