Today’s the Day January 10, 2007
I rightly assumed that today wouldn’t be a day that I could sleep until the alarm went off even though it’s set for the crack of dawn. I can’t believe today is finally here. It seems like it took forever to get here, yet it feels like it flew by at the same time.
I’m nervous. When Dan and I were getting ready for bed last night I couldn’t even talk about today. Dan would start saying something, and I’d have to cut him off. It’s just too huge, and unfortunately that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop just won’t leave me the hell alone.
As I laid in bed this morning, knowing that I wouldn’t be falling back to sleep, I thought of all of your comments to my last post. Thank you so very much for all of that support. I think of the combined strength of everyone who left a kind word, because I know that behind each name, each email address, and each url is a story of strength, no matter what you’re dealing with currently. Thinking of that reminded me of my own strength, the strength it took to get to this point in the first place. I will be drawing on that today for sure, so thank you.
Well, there goes the alarm. I’m off to get ready for what I hope will be a day (or two) that will lead not to an ending but rather a beautiful beginning.
Still on for Wednesday January 8, 2007
I had my last appointments with both the peri and my OB this afternoon. First up was my ultrasound with the peri. Things looked good with the little guy, and he’s estimated to weigh 6lbs, 12ozs. The peri was totally on board with the Wednesday induction plan.
Then it was on to see the OB. As promised, today was the day that she dealt with my wonky cervix. Let’s just say that it was a not so pleasant reminder of why 6 of 7 of my embryo transfers were done under anesthesia (and why the first one was utter hell). She manually broke through the scar tissue in my cervix, and I have no doubt that everyone in the office heard my response. There was no way I was getting through that without yelling some choice profanities. She said that lovely experience is actually supposed to be more painful than labor. I guess we shall see.
The good news is that she did manage to get the scar tissue broken up, and as a result could get through my entire twisty turny cervix. She said that doing that should shave 12 hours off of what my labor would have been otherwise. Now the contractions that I’m having will actually be able to make some progress on the dilation front in addition to the effacement front.
So, I’m all set to check into the hospital on Wednesday morning. Now that my cervix has been dealt with I’ll be starting straight with the Pitocin when I get there. Tonight I’ll do my very last Lovenox injection so that it will be done about 36 hours before the induction starts. Who knows how long the induction will actually take, but just in case anyone is curious, Dan will be updating my blog when the time comes.
I don’t really know how to feel right now. There are so many emotions flowing through my body. I know without a doubt that I am so incredibly grateful to be where I am right now. I still can’t believe our 7th and final cycle worked, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that the little guy is almost here. It’s so surreal.
This pregnancy has been a wonderful experience and has enabled me to relearn what it feels like to be happy. I worried throughout the IVF stuff that I was building up the pregnancy experience in my mind as a way to make myself keep going. I have to say that it’s been even better than I could have imagined. I will admit that my history has brought a lot of anxiety to the experience, but it has also brought so much appreciation and perspective to it.
I wish I could say that I’m not still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I never thought that would be possible anyway. It’s been too long of a road for that. The anxiety is tempered with excitement and anticipation, though, and that’s all I can really ask for.
So, two more days. Five years of waiting comes down to two days. I still can’t believe it.
Offically in the Home Stretch January 3, 2007
I have to admit that my anxiety levels have been peaking the past couple of days. I just cannot stop worrying that something’s going to happen to the little guy. We’re so close, but the thought of losing him at the last second stays with me.
Thankfully I had another non-stress test and OB appointment today. Waiting a week between appointments feels very similar to waiting a week between those early ultrasounds. I do fine for the first few days afterwards, but I start to lose it in the last couple of days of the wait. Hey, I’ve never claimed to be a patient person.
The little guy passed today’s non-stress test with no problems whatsoever. The monitor picked up a few contractions as well which is no surprise given that they’re a daily occurrence around here these days.
Then I headed over to my OB’s office for my appointment there. My cervix is still closed, but it’s now 80% effaced and the little guy’s head is very low. After checking out the goings on of cervix land, my OB and I discussed induction plans. She let me know of possible things that could happen as a result of the little guy coming a little early, but we both agreed that it’s a good idea to get him out and safe.
So, the plan as of right now is to induce on the 10th, a week from today, which would put me at 37.5 weeks. It’s a tentative plan based on how my ultrasound appointment with the peri goes on Monday. If the peri suggests waiting a little bit longer, we will, but right now I’m scheduled into the hospital for next Wednesday. I honestly don’t think he’ll recommend waiting any longer based on what he said at my last appointment, but I guess you never know what will show up on ultrasound.
So, ummmmm, a week. One week. 7 days. Holy crap!
It’s a good thing, though. The last thing I could handle is my body doing something to screw this up in the home stretch. I honestly don’t think I’ve wrapped my brain around the possibility of having an actual baby and becoming a mom, but I do know that every time I think about the possibility of losing him, I freak out.
So, there’s the plan. I’ve always done better with a plan in place. I just hope this one works out. It’s just way too important to screw up.
What a Difference a Year (or Two or Three) Can Make January 1, 2007
I just went and read through my last posts of 2004 and 2005. It’s not like I don’t remember, but reading it brings it back to the forefront.
We’ve had some tough years. We started trying to conceive at the end of 2001. Dan got his azoospermia diagnosis towards the end of 2003. 2004 was spent with a ton of testing on Dan’s part, some on mine, two surgeries for him, and IVF #1 and FET #1.
2005 brought IVF #2 and my first chemical, FET #2, IVF #3 and the miscarriage that followed, as well as the passing of our sweet kitty, Dixie.
Then came 2006. We started the year off with IVF #4 in January and ended up with another chemical. Thankfully we had some to freeze and spent April and May doing FET #3.
And then, somehow, our luck changed. I’ll never understand it. Not in a million years, but it did. After some concerning non doubling betas, we got to the part that we never had before, a heartbeat. I continued to be scared ultrasound after ultrasound, but somehow they all managed to go well.
Then at the end of July we bought our first house, a definite milestone for 11 year veteran apartment dwellers. A couple of weeks later we moved back to Houston from our one year jaunt over to Lafayette.
2006 wasn’t all smooth sailing. Our Level II brought some concerning news at the end of August. (Thankfully most of it has now been resolved.) Then we lost our sweet kitty, Muffy, at the end of November to renal failure.
December was spent in an attempt to prepare for the little guy’s arrival. Yesterday, the last day of 2006, marked 36 weeks of this pregnancy. It was definitely a nice way to bring in the new year.
This pregnancy made 2006 an unbelievable year. I never thought it would happen. Throughout every episode of anxiety, every second of disbelief, I have truly enjoyed this experience. Now I sit here at the beginning of another year anxiously awaiting the little guy’s arrival. We’ve only got two weeks left, give or take a little bit.
I honestly don’t think I would have been able to appreciate this experience as nearly as much as I have if we hadn’t gone through all of that other crap to get here. It sucked beyond belief to have to go through, and I hate so much that other people are going through that kind of hell right this very minute, but I have no doubt that it changed my outlook on things.
I am still incredibly nervous that something will happen in the next couple of weeks to make my dream turn into another nightmare, but I’m hoping with all of my heart that 2007 brings with it a safe entrance into this world for the little guy. That would truly be a dream come true and would make the long journey more than worth every second of it.
Lots of Updates on the Little Guy Front December 27, 2006
Where to begin. I guess I’ll start with today and work backwards. I had another non-stress test this morning followed by an OB appointment. The little guy passed the NST with flying colors, so that was a relief. The monitor also picked up a couple of contractions about 10 minutes apart. I thought that might happen since I started really noticing them yesterday.
My OB appointment went fine, too. I wasn’t exactly sure if the whole contraction thing was a good thing or bad, but my OB said it was good. I guess my body is starting to warm up a bit. It looks like my fundal height measurement has peaked at 32 weeks. She said that’s nothing to worry about, though, since we know the little guy is growing well, and it’s probably just due to my petite nature.
I had my Group B Strep test done today along with my first internal. The little guy’s head is low and my cervix is 70% effaced, but it’s still closed tight. This is to be expected since I’ve got the wonky cervix filled with scar tissue to contend with. There’s no telling what that darn thing is going to decide to do.
I go back for another NST followed by another OB appt next Wednesday.
I’ve really been trying to get things done considering the fact that we’ve got about 2.5 weeks left give or take. (I’m 35.5 now with plans to induce around 38.) I had an interview with a pediatrician last Thursday. I wish I could say I really liked him, but I didn’t so the search continues. I’m hoping to find someone whose philosophies on important issues are in at least in the same ballpark as ours. Finding someone who doesn’t make me feel like taking five minutes of his time is an imposition would be great, too. I have another consult scheduled with pediatrician prospect #2 on Friday.
We’ve also been continuing along with our hospital classes. We took the breastfeeding class on the 16th and have the infant CPR/first aid class on Saturday. Last up will be the infant care class on the 6th.
Dan and I had a nice low key Christmas and used a lot of the time to get things ready around the house. Now you can hear me walking around this place muttering things like, “What the hell is a baby swing doing in the middle of our living room?” It’s so surreal. We got the swing, bouncer, co-sleeper, and crib all assembled, and we got the car seat installed. It is so freaking weird to be driving around in my car with a car seat base in the back seat.
I really am trying to keep myself busy with the preparations, because the alternative is to let my mind go to not so nice places. I told my OB today that I’m still very afraid that my body is going to decide to kill the little guy before he’s out. I can’t help but think it. It’s just that after everything, I have little faith in my body. Two and a half weeks seems like such a short time, but on the other hand it seems like an eternity. I’m definitely not sick of being pregnant. I just want to know that he’s safe.
Christmas Wishes December 25, 2006
There are lots of things swirling around in my head right now that I could have blogged about today. However, there’s one thought that keeps coming back to me.
I know how hard the holidays can be when you’re infertile. The past few Christmases have been extremely hard for me to get through. This is the first year in a long time that I haven’t cried sad tears this time of year, and I so wish that the holiday season, and today in particular for many people, didn’t have to be so heartbreaking.
So, my wish this Christmas is that if you’re still in the trenches, whether it be that you’re dealing with the aftermath of another failed cycle, or popping pills and shooting up in anticipation of starting a new one, or waiting for a referral, or just waiting to figure out what comes next, that this is the last holiday season that you have to spend in that place. I wish for that so much.
Stress and Non-Stress December 20, 2006
Throughout this pregnancy my anxiety levels have ebbed and flowed. They’ve been flowing pretty good lately thus the lack of posting. I think now that we’re getting so close that the fears about not actually leaving the hospital with a take home baby are peaking. Even after coming this far I still feel like we could lose it all in a second.
I’m feeling a bit better today after my first non-stress test, though. The little guy passed just fine, so that helps me breath a little more easily.
They really should schedule those things in the evening. The little guy much prefers to move around a lot at night, and he showed his opposition to having the test done this morning by refusing to wake up for a good bit it. The nurse gave me some juice to get him going but eventually had to resort to using the buzzer. Man, he did not like that one bit and promptly woke up. He moved around just fine with appropriate heart accelerations from there on out.
I think the juice buzz finally hit me when I was leaving the parking lot. I managed to let my parking ticket fly out of my hand when I stopped to pay at the booth. Of course I had to get out of the car and go chase the darn thing down so I could pay. I think the parking attendant felt sorry for me after that, because he gave me a piece of chocolate with my receipt. How nice is that?
So, hopefully I’ll manage to chill out for a bit now. I’ll keep having the non-stress tests done once a week for the duration. I’m hoping between that and my upcoming OB and peri appointments I can keep myself from freaking out too much.
Update from OB Land December 13, 2006
I had another OB appointment today. For some reason today was the day they decided to skip over me after misplacing my chart, so I was there a good while. The billing lady didn’t accost me today, though, so that made up for it.
Things looked pretty good including my blood pressure and the little guy’s heart rate. I’m still measuring a week and a half behind in my fundal height measurement, but my OB thinks it’s just due to my small frame. We know he’s growing well in there, so she’s not concerned. I did manage to catch up on my weight gain since last time, so that was good.
One thing I forgot to mention in my peri appointment post on Monday was that the peri recommended that I get weekly non stress tests starting in the 34th week, so I got those scheduled through my OB’s office today. They’ll be done at the hospital, and I start them a week from today.
So, all in all a pretty routine appointment. I’ll gladly take routine any day.
Little Guy Update December 11, 2006
Dan and I attended our first hospital class on Saturday. It was the all day childbirth preparation one. It was definitely a surreal experience.
The one part that sticks in my mind the most happened when we were doing a relaxation exercise. I was lying on my side while Dan massaged my back (that was worth the price of admission right there) while the instructor talked through some relaxation stuff. She told the class to imagine what our babies looked like, to visualize their toes and fingers, etc. Even though I was lying there with my eyes shut, I couldn’t help but let the tears roll down my cheeks.
I had not allowed myself to picture the little guy before then. Sure, I’ve seen him on ultrasound, but that always feels like I’m watching a TV program. I hadn’t allowed myself to actually picture him in my mind before that moment.
In addition to the instruction we also toured the hospital. I thought all of that would help things sink in some. However, even when I was standing there staring through a nursery window at babies who were literally only a few hours old, I could not connect that with what was going on in my belly. I just couldn’t.
It’s not that I’m not excited about meeting the little guy. It’s just that I can’t believe that we could actually get a happy ending like that. Oh, how I want it so much, though.
We still have three more hospital classes to go. Breastfeeding is this coming weekend. Hopefully they’ll help prepare us, but I don’t think they’re going to really make the situation sink in. I guess that’s what delivery day is for, right?
On a slightly different note, I had another appointment with the peri today. Things looked good in there, and the little guy is estimated to weigh 4 lbs, 13 oz. Cervix, placenta, and fluid level looked good, and his echogenic focus was completely gone. He had even turned head down since last time.
The peri is going to make his final recommendation on a delivery date at my next appointment in 4 weeks (which will put me at just over 37 weeks) but we did discuss it some today. From what he said today, it looks like he’ll be recommending an earlier induction than my OB, more like 38 weeks than 39. So….um….that would mean that the little guy could be here in 5 weeks or less. (knock on wood) Holy crap.
There Appears to be a Crib in Our House December 4, 2006
What the heck? At least it’s still in the box so it can only freak me out so much. Yep, our furniture that we ordered for the little guy was delivered today. I hit the 32 week mark yesterday, but it still seems crazy for there to be a crib in our house.
I don’t know if the whole nesting thing is kicking in or if I’m just using retail therapy as a way to deal with heartache, but I have to admit that I’ve been buying/ordering quite a few things for the little guy recently. Dan and I even went out and bought a car seat yesterday. An actual car seat, holy crap.
It’s all still very surreal, but in a good way. I keep thinking that maybe one day all of this will really sink in. You would think that having actual baby related gear in my house would help, but it still doesn’t feel real. I guess it doesn’t really have to, though, because I’m enjoying and appreciating every second I get to live this dream.
Choppy Seas November 29, 2006
I don’t always expect things to be smooth sailing. I truly don’t. I’ve learned that’s impossible. However, it is hard when things seem to pile on at once.
I haven’t blogged about Thanksgiving yet, because Muffy deserved her own post. That was enough tough stuff to put out there at once. Thanksgiving sucked, though. Boy, did it suck.
My mother in law came into town early which turned out not to be a great thing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like my toes were stepped on more. I spent a ton of time and energy planning everything out in advance, and it was beyond frustrating to feel like someone else was taking over my gig.
Things came to a head right as we were all getting ready to sit down for dinner Thursday night when my MIL turned to me and in a not so pleasant tone said, “Amanda, just relax.” Oh, you know I can’t get enough of that phrase. She kept going, and I lost it and headed toward the bedroom in tears. Dan tried to explain things to his mom, but she laid into him, too. He joined me in the bedroom, and we hung out in there with the kitties while everyone else ate dinner. Lovely, huh?
Things just went downhill later in the evening when we were attempting to “discuss” things with his mom. It was pointless. Hell, she even accused me of hating Dan’s brother. I have no freaking clue where she got that one since there’s not a hint of truth there.
One thing I’ll never forget is that when I mentioned that watching my cat grow closer and closer to death by the day was putting me under a tremendous amount of stress without having to deal with the other drama, she stood up and yelled at me, “This is not about the cat.” Three days later Muffy was gone. If you can’t understand how having my beloved furball go downhill affects me then you’ll never be able to understand me period.
It was all just a mess, and I’m glad it’s over now. I don’t think I’ll be hosting another holiday like that again anytime soon. Or ever for that matter.
The stress of the past couple of weeks is taking its toll. I had an OB appointment today, and I’ve only gained 1.5 pounds since my last visit 4 weeks ago. I had actually gained more but ended up actually losing weight over Thanksgiving. My fundal height measurement is now behind by a week and a half as a result. I know it’s the stress. I’ve cried more tears in the last week than I have in a really, really long time.
I go back to the OB in 2 weeks. Hopefully things will pick up, both on an emotional level and from a weight perspective, by then. I know I have to live the grief that comes as a result of Muffy’s death. Oh, how I miss her so very much. However, I’m choosing not to focus on my MIL’s drama. I’m venting about it to get it out of my system, but there are so many more important things in my life to focus on right now: honoring Muffy’s memory, making sure Salvador is loved and snuggled, taking care of the little guy, and getting through it all with Dan. How can the drama be more important than all of that? It just can’t.
The Big 3-0 November 20, 2006
I hit the 30 week mark yesterday. That’s just unreal to me. I mean, we have at most 9 weeks left. I can’t wrap my brain around that at all.
There are other things going on right now that are keeping me from really digesting the whole 30 week milestone. The big one is that Muffy isn’t doing well at all. We’re watching her display the same exact symptoms that Dixie did towards the end of her battle with renal failure. It’s impossible to predict how much time she has left with us, but I don’t think it’s a whole lot. I’m trying to stay strong and make sure she’s well taken care of and loved, but it’s impossible for me not to feel like an emotional mess over the whole situation.
We’re also hosting Thanksgiving for the first time this year. Both Dan’s family and mine will be in attendance, so that makes for a total of 14 people including the two of us. Everyone except one of Dan’s brothers who lives in town will be staying over at least one night. We’ll have 13 people sleeping here Thursday night. It’s going to be a full house. I guess those 4.5 bathrooms will finally come in handy.
While I’m glad everyone will be able to get together for the holiday, the timing isn’t too great given the whole Muffy situation. It’s not like these things can be planned, though. I just hope it all works out.
Good News All Around November 16, 2006
I got the result of my three hour glucose tolerance test back this morning. I passed. All four of my levels, fasting and then each of the three hours, were below the cutoffs. That is definitely a relief.
I also had another appointment with the perinatologist today. I love the detailed ultrasounds I get at those appointments. All looked good.
The little guy’s growth is on track, and he’s estimated to weigh 3 lbs, 4 oz. My amniotic fluid level is good, as is my cervical length. The echogenic focus on his heart is almost completely resolved now. And drum roll please… I no longer have a low lying placenta. I’m glad to know that the darn thing finally got the right directions.
When my appointment was wrapping up my peri said something that threw me for a loop. He said that at my next appointment we would start talking about delivery. What? Delivery? I guess I never thought I’d make it to the point to be discussing actually delivering a baby. Crazy.
A Much Anticipated Milestone November 7, 2006
If I can just make it to 28 weeks.
I can’t tell you how many times that thought has crossed my mind. Well, here I am. I hit the 28 week mark on Sunday.
I wish I could say that making it to this point would allow me to really relax, but there’s no way that’s going to happen. I do think that I’ve been able to exhale at least a little bit, however. I am now planning not only for what would happen if things went to hell but also planning for the opposite, more positive, possibility.
Case in point, I went and ordered furniture today. Yes, that kind of furniture. Even though Dan and I had already decided what we wanted to get, I was pretty darn nervous walking into the store to actually place an order for it. The whole experience was surreal, very out-of-body like.
In other news, I just got my glucose tolerance test results back. I flunked. Now I have the 3 hour version to look forward to on Monday. That should be a fun way to spend a morning.
Umm, Fruit Punch November 2, 2006
I had another OB appointment today complete with glucose tolerance test. I got handed the fruit punch variety, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had planned for. I should get the results back on Monday.
Other than chugging a sugar loaded fruity drink not too much went on at today’s appointment. My weight and fundal height measurement are measuring on track, so that’s good.
I’m sure the people in the waiting room today thought I was weird. I brought in a bag full of six sharps containers. (And I knocked the darn thing over at one point dumping multiple sharps containers out onto the floor.) Now, people wouldn’t blink an eye at that at the RE’s office, but I guess it’s not the norm to be toting a bunch of used syringes into the OB’s office. Oh, well. I never claimed to be normal.
Trimester Numero Tres October 29, 2006
I seemed to have made it to 27 weeks and am now in the third trimester. I honestly have no idea how that happened, but I’m so grateful to have made it this far.
I figured it was about time to start looking at furniture for the still empty bedroom that I so hope will become the little guy’s room, so Dan and I went on a researching expedition yesterday. Oh my goodness. It was so overwhelming. I’ve spent the last few years avoiding baby stores at any and all costs. I almost didn’t know how to walk into one.
I came home totally confused. I’ve done all of the Baby Bargains reading and all of that, but actually looking at cribs and such just left my head spinning. It’s very hard to wrap my brain around the need for a crib. I mean, babies go in cribs.
I think I’m going to go back later in the week after my head stops spinning and take another look. It was just too much to take in in one day. I’m still trying to really get the fact that I’m pregnant to sink in. I think it’s going to take quite a bit for the thought of the possibility of getting an actual baby out of this, a baby who requires things like cribs, to permeate my brain.
Thank Goodness They’re Only Guidelines October 26, 2006
I’ve read the talk around the web regarding the advisement by fertility experts to limit embryo transfers. I first saw it mentioned on a message board and then saw that Julie was talking about it as well. It got me thinking.
I feel fortunate to have done IVF in a country that does not have mandated limits on the number of embryos you can transfer. I highly doubt that I’d be in my current situation if that was the case. Now, don’t get me wrong. I do feel that guidelines are a good thing. It’s just that IVF is not a one size fits all kind of proposition. It’s my opinion that the number of embryos to transfer needs to be based on the details of each individual situation.
We all know of the lucky ones who get pregnant with twins on their first cycle, but we also all know that there are many, many people out there who undergo cycle after cycle with no such luck. The complexity of IVF can vary from person to person. I am so grateful to finally be pregnant, but I definitely wasn’t a lucky first timer. Just for the sake of review, here’s how my cycles went.
IVF #1: transferred 2 blasts- negative
FET #1: transferred 3 blasts- negative
IVF #2: transferred 3 blasts- chemical
FET #2: transferred 3 blasts- negative
IVF #3: transferred 3 day-3 embryos- miscarriage
IVF #4: transferred 3 blasts- chemical
FET #3: transferred 4 blasts- current pregnancy
I’m thinking 7 transfers was plenty. I couldn’t imagine having to go through 21 single embryo transfers instead.
Obviously I wouldn’t have transferred 4 blasts on my first cycle. I remember going into my first transfer saying that I didn’t want to transfer more than two because of the risk of triplets. Pretty funny now, but it was an appropriate thought at the time. My thoughts on the issue changed along the way, though. It honestly didn’t phase me to transfer four on my last cycle. I think patient history should play a huge part of the “how many to transfer” discussion.
For us it took 61 eggs retrieved, with 51 being mature enough to fertilize, resulting in 44 embryos, 21 of which made it to transfer, to get 1 pregnancy that would stick. I am glad that I got advice from my RE’s along the way, but I am so thankful that no one but Dan and myself got to make the decision about how many of those embryos to transfer and when.
Nothing in this IVF world is black and white. Guidelines most certainly have their place, but we have to remember that the IVF population is made up of individuals each with their own issues. What’s appropriate for one couple may or may not be for the next. It would be wonderful if everyone who needed IVF could get and stay pregnant after one or two single embryo transfers. That’s just not reality. Options are a very good thing. I just hope people continue to have them.
Two-Thirds October 23, 2006
There’s not too much excitement happening around here these days which I consider a good thing. I reached the 26 week mark yesterday, so I’m two-thirds of the way there (knock on wood).
I know 40 divided by 3 is not an even 26, but I’ll be induced at 39 weeks if I manage to make it that far. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before, but it’s due to my Lovenox usage. You can’t have an epidural while taking Lovenox, so one approach is to stop the Lovenox at a specific time and then induce 36 hours later. Then you have the option of an epidural while not forgoing the Lovenox for too long.
I know a lot of people count pregnancy time in months. I still count it in days. Each day is a little milestone. Each week is a big one. 26 is amazing to me.
I still wake up most days and have to take a moment to realize that I truly am pregnant. It’s the opposite of what happened after my miscarriage. Then I would wake up, and it would take a few seconds before I realized I wasn’t pregnant anymore.
You would think that it would have sunk in by now, but I’m still having a hard time believing that this is really happening, that it’s not just a dream. I guess it is a dream, though, isn’t it? I just hope no one wakes me up.
Progress October 16, 2006
All of this pregnancy stuff still feels very surreal to me, but I’ve made a little bit of progress recently.
- I registered for hospital classes today. Given Dan’s busy schedule, I knew I needed to get that done sooner rather than later so that he’ll be able to go. I was totally nervous as I signed up for them (thank goodness you can do that sort of thing online) but I did it. I guess it’s easier to do that than to shop for furniture and the like because it’s non tangible. Plus, there’s a refund policy in place just in case. (I can’t stop thinking that the other shoe might drop even while attempting this progress thing.)
- I told my mom that I didn’t want a shower. I was totally dreading that conversation, because I knew what her reaction would be. She started right in with the “why not’s?” I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable having one, but apparently that wasn’t enough of an answer. I wasn’t budging, though. Ever since I decided that I wouldn’t be having one, I’ve felt so much better. It’s like a weight has been lifted off of me. One less thing anxiety producing thing is always a good thing in my mind.
- Dan and I decided on a name. We’re not referring to the little guy by it yet, but he does have one. I didn’t get around to telling my mom that we’ve decided to keep it to ourselves for the duration (she’s been asking quite often). I figured one thing at a time.
So, I figure all of that buys me a little time before I need to attempt anything else. As scary as it is and as much as I am still terrified that all of this won’t end up working out in the end, I have to admit that I feel a tiny sense of relief that I’ve let myself move forward just a tad.
A Morning at the Peri’s Office October 12, 2006
I had another appointment with the perinatologist today. I have to admit I was nervous. It didn’t help that the doctor was running an hour and a half behind so I had extra time to worry about things not going well. Things did go well, however.
My placenta is still low lying, but it’s moved up almost 3cm and is now 3.9cm away from my cervix. The echogenic focus on the little guy’s heart is still there, but it’s smaller than last time so the peri thinks it will end up resolving itself. Growth looks good, and he’s estimated to weigh 1lb, 13oz right now. My cervix still looks good at 3.5cm. All in all, it was a very good appointment. I think I audibly exhaled as I left the building. I go back to see the peri in 5 weeks.
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